Not tonight
by Rain-love-fucking-sucks
Summary: Sara is a mystery for Tegan even though she's known her for nine years. What happenes when she finally gets the courage to actually talk to her? (was on tnsfic and I thought I would upload it here too i case anyone liked it) TEGAN AND SARA FANFICTION, HIGH SCHOOL AU, QUINLOVE, QUINDOM
1. Chapter 1

**CHAPTER 1**

 **Tegan's POV**

I am going home from library, I have no idea why it's opened so late but I don't care. Good for me. My friends don't understand why I love books so much and let's be honest I don't know either. I just do. I think it's really amazing that someone can write something so good that people want to read it. It's rare. I mean most of the people in my age don't read at all. I find it really sad. You can find yourself in books, they can help you. That's why I would like to be a writer. To help people with my words. It's the most amazing feeling when somebody says to you that what you wrote is beautiful or deep.

It's autumn and it's really cold here in Calgary. I can't wait to be home. I will make some tear and curl up in my blanket with a book. I just started reading biography of Edith Piaf. I like that kind of music. I like most kinds of music but right now win Edith. I'm afraid that I will cry at the end of the book. It happens to me a lot.

I am just a few houses from mine when I see someone in front of me going in opposite direction. As we come closer to each other I see that it's Sara, a girl from my school. I've known her since we were seven that's when she and her family moved here. I don't know much about her. We're not friends. I don't think she has any friends but she doesn't seem to mind. There's something about her that pulls me to her. I really want to know her. Sometimes I get this feeling in my chest, I don't know what it is. I just guess I want her to be my friend. I really want her to be my friend.

She's wearing black convers, dark skinny jeans that hugs her legs perfectly, some black band T-shirt a bit big for her and a gray opened hoody that is slipping of her left shoulder. She really is skinny. _I wonder if she isn't cold_... She has short shaggy brown hair and those perfect hazel eyes and... _Wait what is that? Is that blood? Oh my god, it is. It is blood_. She has a little cut on her lower lip and beside her eye. The other eye seems somehow puffy. There is also some dried blood around her nose.

She's not really looking at me as she comes closer. Her head is down, eyes on the ground.

"Hi," I say, my voice a little shaking. I stop in front of her.

"Hey," she mumbles and tries to pass but I don't let her.

"What happened to you, Sara?" I ask reaching for her face. She jerks away.

"Nothing. Can you, please, let me go? You're blocking me," She says in a stern voice. She's still not looking at me. Why won't she look at me?

I don't move an inch, "Who did this to you?"

"Nobody.. ugh, Jesus! Let me pass, okay?" Now she's annoyed. But she finally looks at me and I wish she

didn't. There's this anger in her eyes, there is so much of it. I'm a little scared but I want to help her.

Come on, I live two houses away I'll clean your cuts," I say and grab her by her wrist. _Wow she has really soft skin. It's so... nice._

"Tegan, you don't have to," Her voice is softer now, it makes me smile.

"You know my name?"

She looks at me like I just said the most absurd and ridiculous thing.

"God, of course I know your name, Tegan. I know you since grade two."

I smile wider. She remembers. I didn't like my name but the way it sounds in her mouth.. I think my name is not bad at all.

"See? We know each other. And people who know each other help each other, so let me help you. Please."

She sighs, "Tegan, I can't."

"Why?"

"I'm still really pissed off and I don't wanna say something that might hurt you," she says looking into my eyes. _Oh god. Am I blushing?_

"Y-you won't hurt me. I promise. Please, Sara."

She searches my face for a while, then sighs again and nods. I smile wide and drag her to my house.


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 2**

 **Tegan's POV**

"How come there's nobody in here?" Sara asks confused as I lead her to living room.

"Parents went to my aunt to show my sister off."

"Oh.. since when you have a sister?"

"Since the end of August," I say loudly from the bathroom where I went for a first aid kit.

"Two months, huh? What's her name?"

"Jessica," I say as I sit on the couch next to her, "I couldn't decide between that and Jamie. Those are my favorite names."

"So you picked the name?"

"Yup," I smile and she smiles back. She has so beautiful smile... _Wait, why am I thinking that? And why am I staring at her?_ I stand up quickly and go wet some tissues.

I go back and clean the dried blood around her nose and mouth. Then I grab an alcohol towel.

"This might sting."

"Think I can handle it."

She doesn't flinch when the towel touches her open skin. She just sits there looking at my face and I'm glad she has just a few cuts. I don't know why but she's making me nervous. And the fact that she's looking at me with those deep sparkling eyes doesn't help either. She just.. stares. And for a while I stare too. I could get used to these eyes... looking at me... while we do whatever friends do. Because that's what I want, right? To be friends with her.

I have to look away. I'm scared that I would get lost. They say you can't get lost when you don't know where you are. I'm a little confused about that too. I don't know where I am or what I'm doing or why I'm feeling the way I do but I'm deadly sure I could get lost in those eyes. Again and again. They're just so... _Okay, stop. She has nice eyes. And lot of other things, so what. Don't be creepy, you won't make friends if you're creepy like that._

I grab the used towels and tissues and go throw them away. Sara is still sitting on the couch but she's looking at the floor. She seems sad.

"Hey, you're okay?"

"Yeah..."

I sigh. "Who did this to you?"

She looks away from the ground and on me now leaning against the back of the couch but remains quiet.

"You got into a fight?" I try again.

"Kind of."

"Kind of? Did you started?"

"Depends... I hit first, yeah, but I didn't start."

"Did they, I don't know, insult you or something?"

She scoffs. "Oh, please. You really think I would get into a fight because someone insulted me? Jesus...

that happens at least twice a day. I don't care. I don't care what they say, I don't care what they think about me. I am not important." _Oh, Sara... You are important, you have no idea._

"So... did they insult somebody who _is_ important?"

For a moment she doesn't say anything.

"Yeah..."

"Oh..."

One thing I know about Sara is that she is gay. I don't think she ever really came out it's just something everyone knows. I can't remember if she ever had a girlfriend. However, I'm pretty sure she.. you know. And I don't know why but I'm not really into the idea that she likes someone. It's not that I'm jealous or anything, I mean, I'm straight but... I guess I don't believe there is someone good enough for her. Yes, I know that I don't know her but there is something about her that makes me think she is different from everyone else. Better that everyone else. Is it stupid? Yeah, I think it's stupid.

It has been quiet for a moment much longer that can be considered not awkward and she finally says something.

"Okay, thanks for everything, Tegan. I'll better be going. See ya tomorrow," She stands up and goes to the front door.

I follow her.

"Yeah. Bye..."

She gives me a sad half smile and leaves the door.

If it hadn't been so cold I would watch her till I couldn't see her anymore but I'm freezing. I just hope she's not.


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER 3**

 **Sara's POV**

 _Shit. Shit, shit, shit! Why does she have to be so sweet? Why is she doing this to me? I'm trying so hard to stay away from her. Just like I'm staying away from everyone else. She shouldn't be different. But who am I trying to fool? She is the only reason why I'm still in this school, why I'm still in this town, why I look forward to another day._

We have english together and, oh my god, that essays she writes... She's so talented. And, shit, she's too good. She's polite to everyone, she smiles at everyone. But, god, when she smiles at me... Like today. She seemed so sad that I didn't want to go with her, that I acted like an asshole. Maybe I look like that but I'm not heartless and when I saw her beautiful face being so sad and because of me... What was I supposed to do? Okay, I know what I was supposed to do. I was supposed to walk away. But I couldn't, I just couldn't! Then she smiled and I thought I died and it was so worth it. It is worth that pain that I'm feeling everyday because of her.

She has no idea but I'm in love with her. I have been for so long. But I know she could never return the feelings I have for her so I'm trying to be distant. But that smile, god, that smile...

I think this all is bad for me because I'm seeing things I'm absolutely sure cannot be real. Like the look in her eyes when she saw I was beaten. Or that faint blush on her cheeks when I stared into her eyes. Or how her whole face fell down when I said there is someone I care about. It's unreal, impossible. She's painfully straight. And painfully beautiful.

I didn't want to sound like some creep but I knew that she had a sister. I know what day she was born. I know what's her name and how her laugh sounds because somehow I'm always near when she's talking to her friends. It's not my fault! She's like a magnet. And she's also the first girl I didn't want to sleep with. She's worth so much more than just sex. I want to take care of her, tell her how beautiful she is, how much she means to me, how I would never let anything happen to her. And I think I fucked it up because I was defending her when those three assholes started saying horrible things about her. When they saw I wasn't going to do anything when they were shitting on me they started to shit on Tegan. I don't know how they figured out I care about her but they did and now I'm afraid she knows too.

One of those three jerks was Jake, Tegan's ex boyfriend three years older than her. He's just a grade above us because he failed two times. Idiot. He says he fucked her and dumped her but I know it wasn't like that. I don't know what happened between them but I'm sure she didn't sleep with him. She's not like that. She's sweet, caring, innocent, smart, talented... And he's not good enough. Fuck, I'm not good enough. I'll never be. That's why I have to stop thinking about her. That's why I have to stay away from her. And from now it will be like that. I don't want to hurt her but I can't keep doing this. I just can't.

 _Shit, it's cold. Why am I wearing just a hoodie?_ About two more minutes of walking and I will be home. Hopefully, I can avoid my mum and Kyle. I never knew my father and Kyle is adopted. But I love him more than myself. No, I love him more than anything. I can't compare something like that to me. Most times I hate myself.

"Hey, mum, I'm home!" I scream from the front door. I take my shoes off and head to the stairs to my room.

"Hey, Sara! Aren't you hungry?" My mum screams from kitchen.

"No, thanks!" I scream back. "I'm going to take a shower and then I'll go to bed!"

"Okay, honey! Goodnight!"

"Night!"

I go to my room and grab the clothes I sleep in - blue flannel pyjama pants and old grey tee. I go to the bathroom and undress myself. As I'm stepping to the shower I catch a glimpse of my face in the mirror. I stop and go back. I have a swollen lip and eye and my nose doesn't look good either. _Oh, crap._ It's going to take good two weeks for my face to look normal again. I sigh and go to wash myself.

"Jesus, Kyle! You almost scared me to death!" I say to my brother who was standing outside the bathroom and close the door. "You need something, bro?"

"What happened to you?"

"Let it be, Kyle, okay?" I smile at him and head to my room.

"You said fighting was bad and not worth it. And now you're doing it," I stop and sigh.

"Kyle..."

"Don't 'Kyle' me, you always lie to me!"

"No, that's not true."

"So how do you call someone who says not to do something and who then do it?"

"I don't know... a bad sister?"

He shakes his head lightly and turns away walking to his room. He stops before his door and says something that breaks my heart. "You're not my sister."

I single tear breaks from my eye.

Later that night, I know he's not asleep, he has troubles with sleeping when it's storm while I absolutely love it. I gently knock on his door and crack it open. He's lying on his bed.

"Can I come in?"

He shrugs. "It doesn't matter what I say. You wouldn't respect it anyway."

"Well, that is not true!" He gives me an "oh, please!" look. "Okay, but that's not because I don't respect you, Kyle. I just came to apologize, and you know how hard it is for me to apologize, and explain to you what happened."

"I don't care anymore," He says and turns his head away from me.

I sigh and close the door. I go to sit on the floor by his bed.

"I know I said that fighting is bad, and it is, but sometimes you have to do it. Not to look tough but to protect yourself and the ones you love, ya know? Those guys insult me all the time and I ignore it because they are jerks and I don't care what people like that think about me. I care what _you_ think about me and that's why I'm telling you this. I wouldn't normally tell anyone but you're the most important person and I don't want to have secrets and let you down so listen carefully, okay?"

He nods.

"Okay, so... there is this girl, Kyle, who I care about very much-"

"Are you in love with her?" He interrupts me.

"Yeah, Kyle, I am."

"Does she know?"

"No..."

"Why?"

"Kyle! Let me tell this, okay?"

"Sorry."

"So and these boys somehow know it and when they saw I wouldn't do anything when they were rude to me, they started saying things about her that weren't true. I didn't want to do it but they wouldn't stop so I hit. And they hit back and we started a fight. And I want you to know that fighting and hurting people is really bad but sometimes it's the only solution. They wouldn't listen to my words so they had to listen to my fists. I am supposed to tell you that it wouldn't solve anything that you have to talk to them and if that wouldn't work talk to a teacher or a parent. But that would end bad for you. The only solution, and I'm not saying that it's good it's really bad, Kyle, is for them to be scared. So I scared them away. But I want you to tell me if something like that happens to you, okay?"

"You'll help me scare them away?"

"Yep. Like I always do with your nightmares. Because we are team, Kyle, we are family. DNA doesn't make a family. The feelings do. And I love you and mum loves you and grandma and grandpa love you too, Kyle. Don't forget it."

"I'm sorry, Sara," He sniffs and hugs me tightly. I hug him back.

"It's okay, bro. And now go to bed, it's late," I pull away and put a blanket to his shoulders. I kiss his forehead and go to the door.

"Goodnight, bro. I love you," I say and turn off the light.

"Love you too. Night."


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER 4**

 **Sara's POV**

"Hey little girl is your daddy home..."

 _Mmm.. that's nice. Where is it coming from?_

"...did he go away and leave you all alone..."

 _What is Bruce doing in my bedroom?_

"...I got a bad desire..."

 _Wait.. Bruce.. bedroom..._

"...ooooh I'm on fire."

I aggressively open my eyes and look at my phone from where the music is coming.

7:15

"Shit!"

I jump out of the warm sheets of my big bed and start to undress myself. When I pull off my shirt I wince in pain. _Shit my face..._ I remember everything from yesterday and look in a mirror I have on the door of my walk in closet. Purple eye, big bottom lip... and my fabulous hair is sticking in every direction. Yep, it's a good idea to go sleep with still wet hair.

I grab the jeans from yesterday, clean boxers and mismatching socks (it's not like anybody's going to see it), a white shirt and tight dark blue v-neck sweater. I run to the bathroom and start brushing my teeth. With a tooth-brush in my mouth I run downstairs to the kitchen where I make myself a toast and pour a cup of coffee.

"Why in a such hurr- Jesus God Sara what happened to your face?" Asks my terrified mum who just stepped into the kitchen.

"Tell yah latah," I try to say and run upstairs to the bathroom again to spit the toothpaste. I clean my mouth and wash my face. _Hmm.. what to do with hair.._ I wet a comb and brush my hair. It doesn't work very well so I use my hands and it's a little better. I like it shaggy anyway, As I step out of the bathroom I almost knock down Kyle who just woke up too.

"Mornin', bro, you're gonna be late... wait are you okay?" He looks kinda.. green.

"I don't feel good, Sar. My tummy hurts," he pouts. Then I see something change on his face and I know what's coming. I quickly grab a pail we've got by the bathroom door and put it to his face just in time.

 _God, I hate that sound..._

"It's okay, bro. Let it all out. You'll feel better," I say while rubbing his back. After a while the vomiting stops and he looks up at me.

"Better?" I smile at him.

"No..."

"Come on, we'll wash your face and brush your teeth to make that taste go away."

When we finish I lift him and take him to his bed. Then I run to the kitchen again where I'm met with my mother.

"So, young lady, I want to know what happened to your face now."

"Kyle is sick. He just puked."

"What?" She says rising from her chair.

"Yeah, he's in bed. I think he has a fever."

"Okay, I'll go upstairs and take care of him and you go to school. But we we'll talk when you come back,

get it?"

"Yeah..."

She kisses my cheek quickly and then heads upstairs. I drink my coffee, grab the toast, put on my black leather jacket and tie my shoes. I grab my black beanie and put it on my head and on top of it I give my headphones.

 _Where is my... I forgot my bag at Tegan's.. Great!_ I groan and go to our garage. It's too late to take a bus so I go for my bike. I have old bmx which I was riding when I was ten. It's small for me but I love it. I turn on my iPod and I instantly hear Bruce's voice. _Oh, Bruce, you little fucker, why didn't you wake me earlier?_

I sit on my bike and start pedaling fast. I have fifteen minutes...

It's 7:58 when I get in front of school. I lock my bike and run to the building and then to my class just in time.

And there she is... standing by my desk... smiling at me.


	5. Chapter 5

**CHAPTER 5**

 **Tegan's POV**

Sara left her bag at my house yesterday. I don't have her number and I don't know where she lives so I couldn't give it back to her yesterday after she left. I couldn't sleep at night I was so excited that I finally talked to her. I hope we'll become friends. I was also so excited to see her again that I came to school a lot earlier in hopes she'll be there too. But, apparently, she wasn't. 45 minutes I was walking around school, to the entering and back to class. Lindsey, my best friend, texted me this morning that she is sick and wouldn't come to school so I don't really have anyone to talk to while I'm waiting for Sara.

When the 5 minute bell rings I sigh, grab her bag and go to her desk. She's sitting at very back next to the window. The desk is clean, not like the others. I always see her sketching or writing something in her notebooks but never on her desk. I find it kinda sweet. There's a nice view outside the window. It's peaceful. You can see school garden with orange and yellow trees. She's sitting alone so she has this amazing view just for herself. I would love to sit here. And I would love it even more if I could sit here with her. Get to know her.

The bell rings and I turn around. I face the door and as I am about to go to my desk Sara runs to the class. She's all red and sweaty, she's breathing quickly. She looks at me and I smile wide. I wave at her and she sighs and starts walking towards me. Her face is bruised and i remember it's because someone she likes.

My mood immediately drops a little.

"Hey," she says and stops in front of me.

"Hi," I say still smiling, "I brought you your bag. You forgot it."

"Yeah, thanks for that. And for helping me too," she gives me a small smile and goes to sit. I turn so I'm facing her.

"So.." I start but a teacher walks into class and says to take our seats. "See you."

Sara looks up at me and nods. I go to sit to my empty desk.

"So, class, I have a homework for you for the next Friday. You have to pick up some well-known artist and write a project about them."

 _Oh, yes! This is so cool! Edith, get ready, you'll be in my project._

"You will work in pairs so pick up your partner now and you can start working on it."

 _But.. Lindsey is not here..._

I watch everyone picking their pairs except me. And.. Sara? She just sits there looking out of the window.

"Tegan? Why are you not in pair?"

"Umm.. Lindsey is sick."

"So? You don't have to do everything with Lindsey. I said to pick your pair now. You can do it with Sara."

I look at Sara and she has kind of terrified expression on her face. "Umm.. y-yes. Sure." I get up, take my things and go to sit next to her.

"Hi.. again."

"Yeah. Hi."

Here comes the awkward silence.

After a while I hear her sigh.

"Have you already picked the artist?"

"Well.. um.. I was thinking we could do it about Edith Piaf. But I don't mind if you want to do it about someone else."

"No, Edith is pretty cool. She had very interesting life. It will be awesome to write about her."

"You like her?" I ask more excited than I probably should.

"Yeah? I don't see why anybody wouldn't like her. It's just pity she died so soon."

"Exactly! I'm reading a book about her."

"Biography? By her sister?"

"Yes. Have you read it?"

"Yep. Three times."

"Really?" _I can't believe it!_

"Really. Is it weird or something?"

"No, no! It's not.. Wow. I would never think you liked her. Or read a book about her. Three times."

"What? I love reading."

"So do I. Most people don't."

"Yeah. It's sad."

"It is."

"Have you seen the movie?"

"There's a movie?"

"Yeah, pretty good I'd say. There's not like half of things but it's good."

"We can watch it together when we'll be doing the project, right?"

"Ahh- sure..."

"Do you want to start today already? I have the whole house for myself for the weekend so.."

"Okay."

"Great!"

We spend the rest of the class talking about Edith and the project. I feel we're getting close. I seriously can't be happier.

She said she would wait for me outside when the school ends. I can't wait for that!


	6. Chapter 6

**CHAPTER 6**

 **Tegan's POV**

After what seems like forever the final bell rings and I hurry out. I immediately see Sara unlocking some old looking bike. I smile and go to her. She unlocks the bike and turns around. Her small smile makes me smile even wider.

„That's your bike?"

„Yeah.. I haven't really sit on it since I was like eleven but I still over it. Sometimes I ride it for fun but not very often."

„Isn't it small for you?"

„A little. But it's not like I'm some giant or something so it's not that bad."

„Why don't you buy a new one?"

„I'm saving money for more important things. And I don't want a new one."

 _Yeah, well.. I doubt you could look any cuter with some other bike than you already do with this one. Wait, what?_

„Um.. shall we go?"

„Sure," she says and starts pushing her bike.

„So.. what are you saving money for?"

She turns to look at me. „Hm?"

„You said you're saving money for more important things. What things?"

„Oh, well... you know.. things. For the future."

„You've got your future figured out?" I would never tell someone like Sara knows what they want to do. She seems so.. open-minded.

„Kinda."

„What do you want to do?"

„It's.. stupid."

„It can't be stupid if you love it. Come on, tell me."

She sighs. „Don't laugh."

„I would never do that," I say seriously and look into her eyes. She holds the gaze for a moment and then breaks it.

„I wanna be a musician."

„Really?"

„Yeah.. my mum doesn't like the idea very much she wants me to go to the university but I don't enjoy anything as much as I enjoy music."

„Do you play on something?"

„Guitar and piano."

„Wow. Do you write songs?"

„Mhmm."

„You have to pay for me sometime."

„Um.. I only play for my Brother. I'm a little insecure about my songs."

 _I would do anything to be her brother right now._

„Shit. Do you mind if I make a quick stop in a shop?"

„No, of course."

„Great. Can you watch the bike for me?"

„Sure."

„Thanks," she hands me the bike and runs across the street to the grocery store. I slowly follow her. When she doesn't come out for a while I get an idea.

 **Sara's POV**

I get ten oranges and a bottle of water. I pay and put the things I bought to my bag. I can't believe I opened to her like that. I'm supposed to ignore her. But she makes it so hard! And the fact that we have to do the project together doesn't help. I hoped she would want to do it about some shitty band like 1D so I can try to like her less but, no, she has to love Edith Piaf.

I go out and look around. _Where is she?_

„Wiiiiiii!"

„What the.." and then from behind the corner wild Tegan appears. On my bmx. And she looks fucking adorable. I can't help but smile at her. Her hair is wind styled and the cutest gummy smile is playing on her lips.

„It's pretty good bike, eh?"

„It's absolutely amazing! I forgot how good it feels," she says and stops in front of me, „what did you buy?"

„Something I need."

„You don't like to talk very much, do you?" She says and starts getting off of the bike.

„You can stay on it. If you want to."

She smiles big and nods. Then she punches my arm, shouts „catch me if you can" and starts pedaling.

„What? Tegan, come on!"

„Catch me, Sara Quin!"

 _This girl is going to kill me... I think and start running after her._

She stops in front of her house and after seconds I am there too.

„You're fast," she breaths.

I laugh. „I run almost every day, swim twice a week and have brown belt in karate."

She looks surprised and I swear that every face she makes looks absolutely gorgeous on her.

„And you play guitar and piano and write songs. Is there something you can't do?"

 _Yeah.. stay away from you._

„Well.. I'm not very good in math."

She laughs. „And who is?"

„Einstein was," I say as we step into her house.

„That's true but he was genius."

„And what makes you think I'm not a genius?"

„You said it yourself. You're not good in math."

I laugh.

„Plus, I think you're more super hero type with that speed and brown belt."

„Sure. And, at night, my bmx changes into cool motorbike and my guitar into ninja sword, right?"

„If you say so," she winks at me and heads to the kitchen where she starts boiling water.

„You want some tea?"

„I'm more a coffee person."

„'kay."

„Um, Tegan?"

„Yes?"

„Do you have a juicer? For oranges?"

„Yeah.. what for?"

„...oranges?"

„You don't say," she laughs, „I mean why do you need it?"

„My brother is sick and every time he is sick or feels bad I make him orange juice. From oranges."

„Aww, that's so cute. But I don't have oranges."

„That's okay. I do," I say and take out the oranges from my bag.

„So that's what you bought. It's seriously very sweet of you, Sara," she says softly and smiles the most beautiful smile I have ever seen. _Sara, stop blushing!_

„And what's that bottle for?"

„Well, um, I'm gonna empty it and pour there the orange juice."

„You're insane? I'll give you some empty bottle and we can drink this while we do the outline of the project."

„Okay, sounds good."

„I think it would be so much easier to do the project when you'll have the whole book read. When do you think you can finish it?"

„Tonight, probably. I have only 50 pages left."

„Okay, good."

„Can you come here tomorrow?"

„Sorry, my mum is working tomorrow. I have to watch after Kyle."

„Where is your dad?"

„I-ah.. I don't have any."

„Oh, god! I'm so sorry, Sara. I didn't know-"

„It's okay," I smile at her, „I don't need him anyway."

„So, um.. maybe we can do it at your place?"

„I would love to but Kyle is sick and I don't want you to get sick too."

„Oh, yeah. Right."

„Maybe in the evening when mum comes home, okay? I'll call you. If you give me your number."

She smiles big. „Sure, give me your phone. Here is mine."

We exchange phone numbers and she goes with me to the door.

„Sara, can I ask you something? I wanted to ask you the whole time you were here."

I gulp. _What does she want to know?_

„Sure, ask."

„Why do you have one sock different from the other?"

I look at my feet and laugh. „I was in hurry this morning because I didn't wake up in time and I didn't think someone would see it... And I kinda like it."

„So do I. Bye, Sara."

„Bye."

 _My plan is ruined. I'm in a friend zone. Great... Ah, fuck it! It will hurt, I know, but she is so amazing! She's funny and smart and she listens to awesome music and.. I didn't think I could fall any harder but here I am.. deeper than I've ever been._

„I'm hoooome!"

My mum comes from the living room. „Hi, Sara."

„Hi," I smile and kiss her cheek. „How is Kyle?"

„Good. We went to see a doctor. It's stomach flu. He will be okay."

„Can he drink orange juice?"

„You didn't.."

I take the bottle out from my bag. „I did."

„You're such a good sister, Sara. And what is written there?"

When I was at Tegan's we stuck a paper to the bottle and wrote there „Sara's elixir".

„Sara's elixir."

„Oh, you... Where did you do it?"

„I was at friend's house. We have to do a project together so there."

„What friend, Sara?" She asks with sly smile.

„Jesus, mum!"

„What? It's almost a year since you had a girlfriend."

„Yeah, well. Maybe I like it this way. And even if I wanted to she is straight."

„Anybody can change team."

„Are you serious?"

„No," she laughs, „I'm glad you don't push her into anything."

„I would _never_ do something like that."

„I know... But you would get into a fight with someone and didn't tell me about it."

„Ughh.. it's nothing interesting.. just these three assholes.. you don't know them.."

„Three? Jesus, Sara! How come you're still alive?"

„Brown belt, mum," I laugh and she laughs too.

„And why did you fight?"

„Well, umm... they disrespects my friend."

„The same friend you were with today?"

„...maybe."

„Who is it?"

„I'm not telling you anything, mother," I say and head upstairs.

„Come oon!"

„Nope," I laugh and go to Kyle's room to give him my elixir. I hope he'll get better soon.


	7. Chapter 7

**CHAPTER 7**

 **Sara's POV**

 _I'm on the stage with my guitar, playing my song to screaming crowd of fans when suddenly a sound of trumpet comes of nowhere. I stop playing. What the fuck?_

 _„_ _Cet air qui m'obsède jour et nuit_

 _Cet air n'est pas né d'aujourd'hui_

 _Il vient d'aussi loin que_ _je viens_

 _Traîné par cent mille musiciens"_

 _Light starts flashing in front of my eyes and the crowd starts disappearing._

 _„_ _Un jour, cet air me rendra folle_

 _Cent fois j'ai voulu dire pourquoi"_

I open my eyes and I'm met with my blinding mobile. _Why does this keep happening to me?_ I look at my digital clock on my nightstand. 4:08.

„Mais il m'a coupé la parole"

 _Ughh! Stop playing already!_

„Il parle toujours avant moi

Et sa voix couvre ma voix"

 _Oh, right. It's a ringtone. Dickhead._

„Padam, padam, padam"

 _It's a ringtone for Tegan!_ I immediately grab the mobile and answer it.

„Tegan?"

I hear sobbing.

„Tegan, are you alright?"

„S-S-Sara." More sobbing. I'm already out of bed.

„I'm right here. What happened?"

„Sh-sh-sh-she, she..." I'm putting sweat pants over my pyjama pants.

„What? Who? What's wrong?"

„She-she... she dieeeeeed!" I have my hoody on and I'm quietly heading downstairs.

„Who died, Tegan?"

Crying.

„Tegan?"

More crying.

„Tegan, are you okay? Who died?"

„E-E-Edith."

I stop putting on my shoes. „What?"

„Edith d-dieed."

„You finished the book?"

„Y-yes."

„Oh," I finish putting on my shoes and go to the kitchen to quickly make a cup of green tea.

„S-sorry for waking you b-but i-i-it's s-so saad."

„No, it's okay. I cried too. It's pretty sad."

„Yeeah," she sniffs.

„Are you okay?"

She is silent for a while, thinking probably.

„No."

I pour the boiled water into a thermo cup and put there a tea bag and a spoon of honey just like she did it yesterday.

„Just don't read the end again, okay?"

„O-okay. S-sorry for waking you. N-night."

„Night," I hang up, take the thermo cup, put on my leather jacket and go to the garage silently. I sit on my bike holding the cup in one hand and ride to her house.

I know it's a stupid idea but the moment I heard her crying I knew I needed to comfort her. I needed to see her. I can't let her be alone in that big house sad like that. And that thought is scaring me. It's just a book. It's just a girl. It's just love. _It's only love and that is all why should I feel the way I do... I'm quoting song from Beatles how cheesy is that. God, girl, what are you doing to me..._

I stop in front of her house and put the bike on the ground. Who, in this hour, would steal gross old bike?

I ring on the bell and wait.

 **Tegan's POV**

I hear someone ringing on our bell. I'm a little scared. Okay, I'm really scared. Tears are still going down my cheeks. Sara said not to read the end again but I did. Two times. It was a bad idea.

My window looks in front of our house so I open it and look down. In faint light of street lamps I see a bike on the ground. _Wait is it...? Is it Sara's bike? Would she? That's impossible._

I go downstairs and open the door. I'm met with Sara's bruised sleepy face and messy bangs that cover her sparkling eyes.

„I made you tea," she smiles and lifts thermo cup.

I'm speechless.

Sara Quin, the mysterious girl who was ignoring me just three days ago, is now standing in front of my house holding a cup of tea at 4 AM because I called her crying. _What's that feeling in my stomach? Do I have.. Do I have butterflies? Is my heart beating faster? Is the blood rushing to my face? Oh, yes it is._

„Um.. Tegan?"

I'm staring at her. And I still haven't said anything. _Say something!_

„I-I..." I don't know what to say! Nobody has ever done something like this for me. Not even Jake. But how can I compare Jake to Sara? Jake was idiot and Sara is, well, perfect.

„I just... I can't stand girl crying. Sorry if I freaked you out or something... I knew it was a bad idea. I-ah.. I'll go." She hands me the cup and turns away.

„No! No. Don't go. I'm not freaked out. I'm surprised. It's a nice surprise though. Please, don't go."

She turns to me again. „Seriously?"

„Yes. Please."

She smiles that beautiful smile of hers and steps to my house with me.


	8. Chapter 8

**CHAPTER 8**

 **Tegan's POV**

I wake up to an empty bed and a part of me feel emptiness too but then I realize it's already eleven so it's understandable that Sara is not here. She has to watch after Kyle.

I sigh happily and stretch then roll over to my stomach. I still can smell Sara's faint scent that she left on my pillow. I remember the night clearly. We were sitting on my bed and talking for an hour and half. We talked mostly about the book and how we feel about it. It was so amazing talking to her like that. I can't believe she came here and talked to me all night.

At some moment she fell asleep with her head on my shoulder. I was just reading her some of my favourite parts and when I asked her what she thought she didn't respond. It felt so nice to have her so close to me. I could smell her hair. I could watch her face. He smelled like peaches and night air and something else that made her her. It was surprising but the sweet smell went perfectly well with her hard look. She's like.. She's like a cherry pie. Hard shell on the outside but warm and sweet on the inside.

I can't believe a girl like that doesn't have a girlfriend. Or maybe she does I just don't know about her. I have to ask her who is the important person that she got beaten for. I want to know everything about her. I want to know her better than myself and I want her to know me better than she ever knew anyone. It's.. it's okay to think about friends like this, right? I know everything about Lindsey and she knows everything about me. It's normal for friends. I'm just not sure about the butterflies and that squeezing feeling in my chest every time I'm around her. I guess I'm excited? Because I wanted her to be my friend for so long and now I see we get along perfectly. It must be it.

I slept for only five hours but I am fresher than I've ever been. And so happy. So, so happy. Just as happy as when Jessica was born and I held her for the first time and she looked at me with those big eyes. I miss her... My parents with her will come back tomorrow afternoon. I wonder if Sara likes children. We could go for a walk with Jessie sometime. That would be nice. But now I'm so hungry I could eat both Jessie and Sara and still be hungry so I'm going to cook some lunch.

I choose to cook just some pasta with tomato sauce. It's easy and quick. I hope we have cheese. Oh, yes, cheese. I should go grocery shopping... And tomorrow I could cook something really amazing for mum and dad. They always make fun of me and say that I can't cook or that I never do anything but it's not true. Sometimes I clean my room. It's organized chaos. And it's not my fault that I don't cook. When I wake up it's always already cooked. I love to help them though. So I'm gonna cook something amazing that will knock them off their feel.

As the water boils I take a quick shower and dress to sweatpants and loose tee. After twenty minutes is everything done and I finally full my stomach. I could also do some vacuum cleaning and stuff so I don't feel bored and don't think about the call Sara promised me all the time.

 **Sara's POV**

I silently close the front door on our house and let out a breath I was holding.

„Where were you?"

I jump and my hand fly to my heart. I turn and see Kyle looking at me with his arms crossed at his chest.

„Jesus..." I breathe, „You almost killed me." I smile and put off my shoes and jacket. I go past him, ruffle his hair and head to the kitchen.

„You're doing it again. Where were you?"

I sigh. „At Tegan's."

„This early?"

„No... I came there at night."

„Oh..." he says and smiles at me.

„You little perv, nothing happened. She called me crying so I went there. We were talking."

„Are you dating?"

„What? No. No we are not."

„Why? You said you loved her."

„I do. But she likes boys."

„You look like a boy so..."

I laugh. „Shut up. Anyway, are you okay?"

„Yeah. I just woke up. Can I watch TV?"

„Sure. Have you taken your medicine?"

„Yes."

„Good boy. You want something to eat or drink?"

„Nope."

„Okay. If you need anything I'll be in my room. I'm going to sleep but you can wake me."

He nods and runs to the living room to watch cartoons.

I go to my room and collapse on my bed.

„Fuuuuuck!" I scream to the pillow.

I woke up at 7:30 in her bed. I was surrounded by her lovely smell and warm. We were really close to each other. She was facing me and I had my arm around her waist. I panicked. I carefully but quickly left her room and house. First, I was afraid that something could happen to Kyle and second, I fucking slept in the same bed with Tegan. I was holding her. I came there in the middle of the night because she finished a fucking book. Then we talked and then I fell asleep. In her bed. With her. That is far from staying away from her. I mean I know I can't stay away from her but I didn't have to sleep with her. I can't do this anymore... I have to be more distant. We will do the project together and then I'll forget about her. She will go on with her life and I with mine. I have to.. I have to... I want to sleep...


	9. Chapter 9

**CHAPTER 9**

 **Sara's POV**

I wake up to someone shaking my shoulder and patting my head.

"Ughh…" I roll on my back and rub my eyes.

"Sara, I'm hungry," says Kyle and pulls on my sleeve.

"Yeah, I'm coming," I sit up and look on my phone. It's past noon so I was asleep for about four hours. I don't usually sleep much so why am I so tired?

"Did mum cook something or do I have to cook?" I ask Kyle as I stand up.

"I don't know. But you will probably have to cook for yourself anyway."

"What? Why?"

"I'm sick?"

"Oh, yeah. Right. Sorry, I'm just tired I guess."

"Are you sure you're okay? Something happened?"

"No, Kyle, I'm fine," I snap.

He looks on the floor, "sorry, just asking…"

I sigh. Just because I have mental problems with my emotions towards Tegan I don't have to make other people upset. Especially Kyle. He just wants to help. "I'm sorry, bro. I didn't mean to say it like that. I just don't feel good."

"Maybe you're sick too. We can stay home on school days next week and play together," he says excitedly.

I smile. "I am definitely sick but not that kind of sick. Sorry."

"And what kind of sick are you?"

"The "sick of my feelings" kind."

"Why?"

"It's complicated."

"Why?"

"Because I fell for someone who doesn't want me back."

"Why?" I'm getting tired of this game…

"Because love is like that sometimes."

"Why?"

"I have no idea."

"Why?"

"Christ, Kyle, stop it!"

He looks at me and smirks, "…why?"

"Ughhhh! I hate kids!"

He laughs, "you're still one too."

"I am. I just don't play the "why" game anymore. It's pretty annoying, ya know?"

"It's the best way to make someone mad and also find out how much they know."

"Sometimes I don't believe you're eight years old…"

Suddenly, I hear the Disney theme song from living room and Kyle's eyes go wide.

"Disney!" He screams and runs to the living room.

"But then again…" I smile.

When I don't find anything cooked I call my mum and ask her what I should make. She says just to cook some rice and vegetables. I decide that I won't be a bitch and eat it too with Kyle while watching Cars. In the middle of the movie Kyle drifts off on the couch. I shift him to a lying position and cover him with a blanket. Then I turn off the TV and go to my room. I'll have to text Tegan when mum gets home. I'm not looking forward to it. Well, I do but I don't.

I have nothing to do so I start doing more detailed outline of the project so it's quickly finished. If we work hard the project can be done tomorrow and then I can go to my old life.

Mum comes home around three. She is a therapist. Teenager therapist so it makes her both absolutely amazing and deadly annoying. But I love her. When I came out to her.. I can't even describe how supporting and loving she was. But then a week later all the questions about girls started. Don't get me wrong I'm really grateful that she took it so well and that it isn't awkward for her to be talking with me about those things but… it is for me.

I knew I was gay since I was twelve, started messing around with girls (or more likely girls started messing with me) when I was thirteen and when I was fourteen I had my first sex. It was easy for me. I mean, yeah, I still sometimes get the weird stares or rude comments but nothing worse.

I had, I mean, I have my group of friends both gay and straight. We hung out all the time. But some of them moved away and some are on different schools but we still hang out. My seventeenth birthday is on Friday and they all are going to come over. It will be so awesome to have them all together. I already talked to my mum and she said she would go with Kyle to my grandparents so I can really enjoy it. She is amazing. I think she knows there will be alcohol and pot but she probably understands that we're young and would've done it anyway. She just said not to cause any troubles and we won't.

It will be exactly two years that I came out. I came out on my fifteenth birthday and told her I have a girlfriend. We were together year and half and then mutually broke up but we're still friends. Emy is one of my best friends and I can't wait to see her again. She moved to another city but we're still in touch. God, I miss her… And speaking of missing somebody… I should text Tegan.

I grab my phone and start typing but delete it. What should I say.. I have to sound cool and uninterested. That will be hard.

-Hey, you're busy?

I get reply after a minute.

-Not at all, I'm pretty bored actually. Can you come over? :)

Oh, shit, a smiley face.

-Yep, I'm on my way.

-Okay, see you :)

Ughh, she's sweet even through a mobile. How will I survive this?


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

 **Tegan's POV**

I don't get it. I thought Sara was starting to open up to me, I thought she wanted to be my friend. Obviously, I was wrong. The whole weekend she was so distant. She focused only on the project and refused to talk about anything else. The only good thing about it is that we finished it. But it doesn't feel good because it means she has no reason to be with me or talk to me. And you have no idea how sad it makes me. We didn't even watch the movie Sara had talked about and I don't wanna watch it without her. I don't know why but it feels like I lost my best friend.

"Tegan?" The sound of my name brings me back to reality. I look at Lindsey who is sitting next to me.

"Hm?"

"The bell rang?"

"What?" I look around the classroom and see my classmates talking and walking towards the door. "Oh, yeah. Right." I say and start packing my books.

"What's up with you today, Teegs? Are you okay?"

Just as I'm about to answer Sara walks past me and I can't help but follow her with my eyes until she disappears behind the door.

"Tegan?"

"What? Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine."

"Are you suure?"

I try my best and smile at her. "Yeah. Completely. Let's go."

As we're walking through the hall I see Jake and his two idiotic friends walking in opposite direction. Then I notice something weird. They all have slightly bruised faces and Jake is walking really funny. He looks like he's about to say something rude to me (as always) but then he looks at something behind me and his smile immediately falls and three pair of eyes hit the ground.

I turn around and to my surprise I see Sara burning holes in those boys. When she notices my stunned face fear flashes behind her eyes but she's quick to compose herself and leave.

"Woah, what was that?" Lindsey asks.

"I have no idea. Did you see how she looked at them?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever, I'm not talking about that. What's happening between you two?"

"How can you say whatever on something like that? And why do those three look like some professional boxer paid them a visit?" I ask, avoiding Lindsey's question. I would like to know what's happening too.

"Rumor has it that Sara Quin beaten up Jake and his... animals."

"What? Why would sh-," and then I start putting pieces together. How did Sara manage to beat up all three of them? They're huge! Jake alone should have been a big problem for someone as tiny as her! But I'm not surprised it was them who insulted Sara's… ugh… _interest._ They are horrible. I don't even know why I dated Jake. "Oh."

"What? Do you know something more?"

"Uhm… not really. Just that they insulted someone Sara cared about so she started a fight."

"Ooh. I see. And how do you know?"

"She told me."

"Why would she tell you? I mean, you don't even talk to each other."

"I met her on Thursday all bloody so I took her to my house and – what?" I ask when I see Lindsey's sly grin.

"You took Sara The Big Lesbian Sex Maniac Quin to your house."

"Yes. And don't call her that!"

"Why? Did something lesbian happen?"

"What? No! Of course not! Why would you even ask that?"

"Because I can feel the tension between you. I think people in Australia can feel it. So what happened?"

"Nothing. Something. I don't know," I sigh, "I took her to our house and cleaned her cuts. Then on Friday in English class we had to pick up a pair to work with on that project, you know. And you weren't there so we ended up doing it together. We have a lot in common and we decided to do it about Edith and then we went to my house and started working but I didn't have the book finished yet so we said we would meet on Saturday to do it. And then…"

"And then what?"

"Well… I was reading all night… and… I kinda broke down and called her crying at, like, 4 AM."

"Are you serious?!"

"Yes. And that's not even the best part. 10 minutes later I heard someone ringing at our door."

"No."

"Yes."

"She didn't!"

"Oh, yes, she did. She was standing there with a sleepy look on her face in a hoody and sweatpants and…" I smile at the thought.

"And what? What?"

"With hot tea in a thermo cup."

"NO! How? She- Sara- What?"

"I KNOW! I was speechless too! Then she freaked out because I wasn't saying anything but I convinced her to come in and then we talked for like an hour and half and then she fell asleep with her head on my shoulder."

"Awwwwwww!"

"Yeah… but when I woke up she wasn't there and when she came back a few hours later she was all distant and cold… And now she's not talking to me." I sigh.

"Maybe she likes you."

"What?"

"You know… like, _like_ -like you. And she's freaked out or something. Maybe she doesn't know what to do."

"That's… impossible. She can't like me."

"Why?"

"Just... because!"

"Tegan. Have you ever seen her interact with people?"

"Well, no."

"Exactly. And this girl brought you a cup of tea at 4 AM because you were sad."

"Yeah, but she said she couldn't stand a girl crying. She would do it for anyone."

"Tegan."

"Yes."

"Open your eyes. She likes you. Now I have to go I have biology but we'll talk about it on lunch, okay?"

I nodded and she left. Is it possible? Does Sara like me? And if she does… how I feel about it?


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

 **Tegan's POV**

I'm finally home. My mum is sleeping on the couch and Jessie is sleeping next to her. I put a blanket on them and go upstairs to my room. I seriously should clean it. _Nah._ I go lay on my bed and I look at the ceiling.

Lindsey and I had that talk about Sara liking me on lunch. I still can't believe that she would actually like me. Lindsey said it was probably me who Sara was fighting for too. That would be pretty romantic… _Why am I even thinking that? Do I like Sara? No, I'm straight! It's just nice that somebody likes me. And it's even nicer that it's Sara. She would be such an amazing girlfriend._

 _No, Tegan, what's wrong with you? You shouldn't be even thinking about how good girlfriend Sara would be. The only thing you two can be is friends. Nothing more. You're straight. She's just interesting._

 _Yeah, and smart, beautiful, caring, talented and she smells very nice._

 _No, shut up! She's a girl! Girls are supposed to smell nice._

 _But nobody smells as nice as she does._

 _Tegan, something is wrong. What are you thinking about? How her eyes sparkle when she laughs? Or how everything she wears is at least one size bigger? And how good it looks on her? Or how cute she looks on her bike? Let's go deeper, Tegan. What about those butterflies? Or your sweaty palms? Or speed of your heart or that tightness in your chest? You don't even know her so why are you so sad that she's not talking to you? Tegan, do you like her? Do you like-like her? She's a girl, Tegan. Do you like girls? Are you gay?_

I sit up, "no! No, no, no, no, no. I'm straight. I'm normal. I want Sara to be my friend because she's mysterious and interesting and we have a lot in common. I'm not… into girls. I'm not."

 _Why are you convincing yourself so hard? It's probably not true if you need convincing._

"Shut up, brain! I'm just confused. Because she likes me. Because she maybe likes me and I like the idea of someone liking me. That's all."

I go to my laptop and google Ryan Gosling.

Yup. Straight.

Suddenly I hear knocking on my door.

"Come in."

"Hi, honey," says my mum and goes to kiss me on the cheek.

"Hi, mum."

"How was school?"

"It was good," I lie. It wasn't good at all. "But I'm a little tired."

"I was too but then we took a nap."

"Yeah, I saw," I smile.

"Hey, don't you want to go on a walk with Jessie? I'll cook something while you're out."

"Sure thing!" It's actually a good idea. I can clear my head and spend a little time with my sister.

After about a half an hour it's starting to get dark and even though I'm really enjoying this and Jessie is sleeping peacefully I decide to go back home.

I'm going through an empty park when I hear deep voices and muffled whimpers. I'm really not comfortable and having my small sister with me isn't helping. I start walking faster. The sounds are getting louder and I try not to look to not get involved and eventually killed but I fail and look to my right. And there, under a big tree in a light of a street lamp, I see five guys standing over somebody lying on the ground and kicking them.

"This will show you not to give me those disrespectful glances, you dyke!" A familiar voice says and I know I have to do something.

Without realizing it I leave Jessie behind and start running to the group.

"Hey! Hey, stop!" I shout. They all turn to me.

"Oh, look, Quin. You girlfriend is here," Jake smirks.

That comment sends heat all over my body but I ignore it.

"Leave her alone, Jake, or I'll call the police."

He laughs.

"I'm serious," I say coldly and send him a deadly glance while showing him my phone.

"Jake, I think we should go," one of the guys says.

"Yes, Jake. You better listen to him," I smirk as I start dialing.

"Okay, okay, we're leaving," says Jake and all of them disappear.

I immediately run to Sara's wincing body. I fall on my knees beside her and put my hand on her shoulder. I feel my already fast beating heart speed even more.

"Sara, are you okay?" That is a stupid question. She's completely beaten up!

"Yeah, just peachy," she coughs.

I smile at her ability to be sarcastic even in this kind of situation and help her roll on her back. I push her hair off her eyes and her face scrunches at the touch.

"Do you think you can sit up?" I ask her.

She hesitates but then nods and I sneak my left arm behind her back and slowly help her sit up.

She whimpers.

"I think I should call the ambulance," I say.

"No! No, no, that's not necessary. I'm fine," Sara protests.

"Sara, I know you want to seem tough and strong but you are completely messed up right now. What if you have internal bleeding or something? I'm calling the ambulance."

"Don't call the ambulance. I can walk to the hospital," she says and tries to stand up.

"Yeah, sure you can."

She glares at me which makes me chuckle lightly.

"Come on, let me help you stand up. We'll go sit on the bench there," I point to where Jessie is, "and figure out what we'll do, okay?"

She nods.

I wrap both of my arms around her carefully and she grips my biceps tightly and I fight the dragons in my stomach and tingles all over my body.

She stands up and leans on me, probably searching for a support but I hug her. Just lightly but hug her. And it surprises me that she hugs me back. I smell her hair and it smells mostly like the dirt from the ground but some of _her_ is still there too and it makes me smile.

Then I help her walk to the bench where I check on my sister; still sleeping, and sit beside Sara. It looks like she's trying hard to stay sitting straight but after a while she gives up and leans on me again, putting her head on my shoulder. My heart skips a beat and for a second I can't even move but I will myself to because there's an opportunity right in front of me and I would be stupid not to take it.

I wrap my arms around her and I think I hear her sigh but maybe it was me because the sensation is just so good. But then that voice is in my head again so I speak.

"Do you want me to call your mum?"

"No way."

"So I'm calling my parents," she tries to argue but I don't let her, "no arguing allowed. They will drive you to the hospital and back home. End of discussion."

I hear a sigh and this time I'm positive it's her so I pull out my phone and dial my mum.

Sara is okay. Thank god! I mean, she will have some trouble walking and the bruises will be pretty bad but she's okay.

My parents called her mum but said they'll take her home and she doesn't have to come here.

Sara comes out of the room where the doctor was checking her and smiles slightly when she sees me. I hurry up to her and wrap her left arm around my neck while I wrap mine right around her waist (which feels strangely good) and I walk with her to our car.

On the back seat she tries to shut me out again but I don't let her and hold her hand. She tries to free it but again, I don't let her. She gives up and holds my hand back but she doesn't look at me the whole ride.

When we stop in front of her house I see her mum walk out of the door and rush to our car. I hug Sara one last time but she doesn't hug me back.

Then her mum is taking her out of the car and my parents start bombarding me with questions.

Then we drive home and I go to sleep without eating or showering, just wanting to be alone. Alone with my thoughts of Sara.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

 **Sara's POV**

 _Fuck. Everything hurts! And mum's grip on my waist isn't at all as soft as Tegan's was. Fuck. Tegan. I really fucked up today. I'm so stupid! I should-_

"What the hell, Sara?!" My mum raises her voice. I sit on our couch and look at my hands. "I'm talking to you! What the hell were you even thinking? Why were you out?"

"I went for a run," I mumble.

"You what?! Speak clearly!"

I take a deep breath and look her in the eye. "I went for a run."

"Well, now you won't be even able to run or go anywhere, really. Are you happy?"

"What? It will be fine tomorrow. I'm able to walk."

"I'm not talking about walking, Sara. You're grounded."

"What?! You can't be serious!"

"Oh, yes. I am deadly serious."

"It wasn't even my fault!"

"Don't raise your voice on me. Don't forget who I am."

"No! You're the one forgetting who you are!"

"Excuse me?!"

"You heard me! You are my mother. And you're not only that. You are a fair mother. You punish me when I do something bad or when I break your rules but what you're doing now isn't fair at all! I didn't break any rule. I was out before my curfew. You know I go running almost every day. It wasn't even 4 pm! I didn't start that fight. They did! I didn't ask for it so why am I being punished when I'm punished enough already? My every breath hurts, I can't even move without wincing in pain and my whole body will be purple tomorrow and purple isn't really my color as you may know. So, tell me, what happened to my fair mother?"

She's quiet and has her eyes fixed on something behind me. I turn around and see Kyle's scared face wet from tears.

"Oh, shit," I whisper. "Kyle…"

"Go to your room, Sara. We'll talk later."

I nod and look at Kyle again. "I'm sorry," I say and g to my room.

Don't even get me started on how fucking bad stairs hurt…

After what seems like fucking hours I climb the stairs and make it to my room where I change from my dirty clothes what again takes eternity and is pretty painful. Then I carefully lay on my bed.

My thoughts are a mess. I don't know about what to think first. What to regret first. And what to regret the most.

I regret the running pretty bad. I went running because I wanted to clear my head. And now it's even dirtier than before.

I regret I'm not strong enough and big enough to fight five guys.

I regret I couldn't save myself.

I regret Tegan had to see it. And save me again.

I regret I let her hold me and I regret that I held her back.

I regret it felt so fucking nice and that I want to do it every day for the rest of my life.

I regret I was rude to my mum. She's just worried about me.

And I regret that I'm such a shitty sister… Kyle deserves a sister he can look up to. From who he can learn things. What can he possibly learn from me? How to shut people out? How to be an asshole? How to be a shame of the family? How to let down the only people he cares about?

Fuck. Seriously. I'm such a bad person. I can't do anything right.

A soft knocking on my door rips me from my thoughts.

"Yeah?" I say and the door opens. My mum steps into my room and goes to sit on my bed. She looks a lot calmer than before. I'm really glad for that.

For a while we're in silence but then she starts.

"So… I was thinking what you said, well, shouted at me."

"I'm sorry about that," I say.

"I know," she smiles, "I'm sorry too. And I figured out it would be pretty bad if I canceled your birthday like I wanted to."

"You wanted to cancel my birthday?!"

"Yes. I did. But then I calmed down and thought about it. It really wasn't your fault. So I want to offer you a deal."

"I'm listening."

"You will be grounded-"

"What?!"

"Sara. Would you shut up for a while, please?"

I nod.

"Great. So, you will be grounded, let's say, for a week but that doesn't mean I can't change it. I'm your mother and I'm in charge here. You will go to school and then back home. No running, swimming or midnight walks."

I look at her with wide eyes and she laughs.

"You think I don't know about them? Jesus, Sara. I'm your mother. And I was a teenager once too. But back to the deal. To school, back home, no fights, no problems and you can celebrate your birthday as you planned. But, Sara, I'm begging you. No police or complaints from our neighbors, okay? And I don't want to come home and see vomit everywhere. Make sure no one dies or breaks anything. We'll leave on Thursday afternoon and be back on Saturday afternoon. I want to have cleaned house and everything illegal out of here when I come back, get it?"

"Yes! I promise, mum. We'll behave. No police, no complaints, no vomit, no bottles. I get it. Thank you. And I would hug you but my body is dying."

She laughs and hugs me softly.

"So… what about Kyle?" I ask.

"He's fine. He was just scared."

"Is he mad at me?"

"I don't think so. Should I send him here?"

"Yeah. That would be great."

"Okay," she kisses my forehead and heads to my door but she stops herself. "And Sara?"

"Yeah?"

"Tegan is pretty cute," she smirks.

"Muuuuum!" I hide my face in my hands and I hear her laugh. "Ughhh!"

After a minute or so I hear small footsteps. I look up and see Kyle.

"You should really learn how to fight, Sara. You're pretty weak."

I laugh but it hurts badly so I will myself to stop and tell him to sit beside me.

"How's your tummy?"

"Probably better than yours," he says and pokes me to my stomach.

"Ouch!"

"Knew I," he smirks.

"You little peasant, I'm gonna take all of your land and cattle from you when I'll be able to move!" I say and try to tickle him but he's fast and not suffering.

"You are a peasant!"

"No, you are a peasant!"

"You are the biggest peasant of all peasants in Canada!"

"Oh, yeah?!"

"Oh, yeah!"

"Well, then you're the biggest peasant of all peasants on earth!

"And you're the biggest peasant in the world!"

"That's the same thing, Kyle," I laugh.

"Shut up, smarty pants, you can't even move!"

"But when I can I'll take all of your land and cattle!"

"Oh, yeah?"

"Oh, yeah."

We stare at each other for a while and then we lose it and start laughing uncontrollably.

"Stop laughing, it hurts!"

"You stop first!"

I eventually stop because I'm afraid my organs might explode and that little peasant will keep all his property.

"I love you so much, Kyle, you know it?"

"I figured out," he smiles. "I love you too even though you're weak and annoying."

"Aww! Come here and hug me."

"I'm not hugging you! Hugging is for the weak."

"That's why I want it, duh," I say and motion for him to come closer.

He rolls his eyes and hugs me.

"I'm sorry I'm such a bad sister," I whisper to him.

"It's okay. I love you anyway," he whispers back and then looks at me. "Nobody's perfect," he kisses my cheek and leaves my room.

My eyes water. What have I ever done to deserve such a good brother?


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

 **Sara's POV**

These last few days were extremely boring. Every day is the same. I wake up at 6:30 because I'm not doing anything the day before so I'm not really tired and I need some extra time anyway. I slowly and carefully change to my normal clothes. Then I eat breakfast and drink my morning coffee. Then I wake up Kyle and he gets mad at me. Then I brush my teeth and style my hair. I get ready for school. I go catch the bus. I'm in school. I go home. I'm bored so I'm actually studying for once. Then I play on my guitar. Then I eat, shower and go to bed. And then again.

I've been successfully avoiding Tegan. But it seems like that's coming to an end.

It's Thursday and I'm going (oh, so slowly) to a bus stop. Suddenly, someone runs to my and slows to my pace.

"Hi," says Tegan, smiling big.

"Hey, what's up?" I ask knowing I'm too slow to run away from her.

"I wanted to ask you something. Tomorrow is Friday…"

"Yeah, I know."

"And that means we will present our project…"

"Yeah, I know."

"So I was thinking we could maybe go somewhere and rehearse it. You know decide who will say what and things like that."

"I'm sorry but I'm grounded I can't go anywhere."

"Oh. Why are you grounded?"

"Because mum's worried someone would beat me again. And it was one condition for my birthday party."

"When is your birthday?"

"Tomorrow. Mum promised she and Kyle would leave today and come back on Saturday so I can celebrate however I want."

"Oh. Nice. Your mum is pretty cool."

"Yeah, she is."

"Isn't she scared you would do something?"

"Nah. She trusts me. Nothing will go wrong."

"That's great… so, um… when you can't go anywhere could I go to your house? It wouldn't take much time."

I sigh and think about it. Tegan. In my house. With my mum who can't keep her mouth shut and Kyle who is… Kyle. But we really should prepare it. "Yeah, okay."

"Really?" She asks excitedly.

"Yup. We worked really hard on it we can't fuck it up tomorrow."

 **Tegan's POV**

Sara's family is really nice. Her brother was a little shy at first but when Sara introduced me a mysterious smirk formed on his lips. He is such a cutie. And Sara is really good with him.

Her mum was really nice too. She made us some sandwiches and offered me tea but Sara said she would make it and that she already has some experiences with my tea. That made me blush hand smile like an idiot because it reminded me that Saturday night when she came to my house.

Then we went to her room and her mum said to keep the door opened and laughed at Sara's reaction.

Sara closed the door.

"Your mum said to keep the door open," I say as I sit on her twin bed. Her room is small and it surprises me how clean it is. Complete opposite of my room – big and always messy.

"She was joking. What, are you afraid I will try something?" She asks nonchalantly as she searches for something in her closet.

 _No. I'm afraid_ I _will try something._

"Well, you never know," I joke.

"You're straight. I never try anything on straight girls. It's waste of time. And waste of tears," she looks at me with sad eyes and picks some clothes from the closet. "Would you mind if I went to change? Jeans aren't really comfortable in my condition."

"No, of course," I smile.

While she's gone I take a better look around her room. It's quite simple. White walls with posters of some of my favourite bands, a table with a laptop and a chair, walk in closet, a night stand next to her bed with gray sheets and a big window.

After a while I hear the door open and Sara walks in, now changed to black sweat pants and big white T-shirt. She smiles a little but I can't smile back when I see bruises on her arms.

"Oh, Sara. I'm so sorry," I say and take a better look.

"Nah, don't be. It's not your fault," only that… it is.

"Who is it?" I ask and look into her eyes.

"What?" She asks confused.

"Who were you fighting for? Who is it?" I need to know.

"I don't wanna talk about it. Let's prepare the presentation," she says coldly and goes to put her clothes on the chair. Great. Now she's shutting me out again. But I need to know! Just as I'm about to ask if it was me she looks at me with pleading eyes.

"Please, let it go. Please."

I nod and we sit on her bed.

After about fifteen minutes we're finished with everything.

"I don't really need to go home just yet if you don't want me to," I say and she shrugs. "So, do you have that movie you were talking about?"

"Yeah, on my laptop. Wanna watch it?"

I nod and stand up to bring her the laptop.

"You should also grab the tissue boy," she points on the box of tissues on her table.

"I'm not planning to cry in front of you again," I smirk.

"Who said it's for you?"

I smile softly and bring her the tissues. It's so cute that she's able to admit that she cries. She's not ashamed of it like some guy would be.

We make ourselves comfortable and lean against her pillows.

Half through the movie I put my head on her shoulder and I feel her freeze. But like hard core. And it makes me smile because that means she's nervous around me and I like it.

We stay like this till the end of the movie – my head on her shoulder and she frozen in place. The movie was pretty sad and I can't help but shed a few tears… okay, more than a few tears, in fact I'm crying softly. I distance myself from her shoulder and reach for the tissues. When I look at her I see her face wet from tears.

She looks at me and I pass her the box. She mumbles a little thanks and then her mum and Kyle come to say bye. They both hug Sara gently.

"Behave," her mum says.

"I will."

"And don't push anything."

"Mum-"

"I mean it, Sara. Let it go freely."

"I will," Sara says and her mum kisses her on the cheek.

"Don't have sex on my bed," says Kyle and I laugh hard.

"What the hell Kyle? Why would I even… Oh god…"

He chuckles and I say I will be going too. I say bye to Sara and leave with them.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

 **Sara's** **POV**

This is so awesome! Its five pm and my house is filling with my friends. Emy is already here for about an hour and half. She helped me prepare everything. There are sandwiches and crisps and cookies and beer and pot and vodka and good music and oh my god I'm so happy. All my friends are coming. Hesta, Ted, Rob, Adam, Jasper, John, Rachel, Alex, Taylor, Kate… Taylor is bringing his guy friends and Emy is bringing her lady friends and her new girlfriend, Sarah.

This is going to be the best party ever! There are around fifteen people already here, chatting in the living room.

"Hey, Sara!" Yells Ted from the kitchen.

"What's up?" I ask stepping into the room to see him looking through the cabinets.

"Do you have gummy bears? I can't find them anywhere…" he pouts.

"Oh, fuck! I totally forgot to buy them!" I smack myself in the face.

"What's going on?" Asks Emy who suddenly appears in the kitchen.

"I forgot to buy gummy bears. Could you go to a shop quickly and buy them?"

"Sure, no problem. How much?"

"A lot," says Ted and we laugh.

Emy lived here so she knows where to go. I give her money and go to sit to the living room to my friends. Almost everybody is here and they all seem to get along really well. I introduce myself to those who I don't know and engage myself in the light conversation.

It's been so long since I felt like this. It's only started but I never want this party to end.

Half an hour passes and it's already dark outside. There are about thirty people here - laughing, drinking, eating. Just having a good time. I can't be happier. My body still hurts but it's a lot better.

I'm sitting in an armchair with a beer in my hand when I hear a doorbell ringing. Hesta says she'll open the door and I thank her.

After a while I hear footsteps coming to the living room.

"You brought the gummy bears, Em?" I ask without looking up.

"Yup. And they're not the only thing I brought."

"What did you-" I look up and freeze. Tegan.

 **Tegan's POV**

I said to my parents I'm going out with Lindsey but I just wanted to be alone. I'm dressed in a pair of skinny jeans, my big yellow and green stripped sweater, coat and a beanie. The wind is making my shoulder-long hair tickle my neck.

I'm walking for a while when I decide where I'll go. I'll buy some water and go to the library. I need some new books anyway.

I step into the shop and warm air hits me. I smile to myself and go pick some water. I see a girl in a candy department holding a lot of gummy bears. She catches me looking so I smile at her and look away. She seems familiar I just can't remember where I've seen her. Suddenly, I feel someone tapping on my shoulder. I turn around and see the girl smiling.

"Hi," she says.

"Hi."

"You're Tegan, right?"

"Um, yeah. Do I know you?"

"Not really, no."

"So how do you know my name?"

"I guess we have mutual friends," she smirks and I look at her, confused. "I'm Emy. Sara sent me buy some gummy bears to her party."

"Oh!" Now I remember. I saw her with Sara a few times about a year ago. "Nice to meet you, Emy," I smile and shake her hand.

"My pleasure. So, do you wanna come?"

"Huh?"

"To the party, I mean."

"Oh, I don't know. Sara didn't invite me."

"I'm sure she won't mind."

"But I don't even have a present for her," I want to go, I really want to go but she didn't invite me so that means she doesn't want me there.

"I don't think that is a problem but we can buy something if you want."

"I don't know what though."

"Sara's a simple person I'm sure we'll find something she'll like."

"What are you giving her?"

"Birthday sex."

"What?"

She laughs, "I'm just kidding. I have a new girlfriend now."

"Oh. So… you were together?"

"Yeah, but she kinda fell in love with someone else."

"I'm sorry."

"Oh, trust me. You're not," she smirks. "Are you coming then?"

"Yeah," I agree. We buy the gummy bears and then we go to a bookstore to buy Sara a present.

We arrive to her house and I'm shaking from the cold air, excitement and fear.

"Are you sure it's okay for me to go?"

"Yes. Stop overthinking it, Tegan," she says and rings on the doorbell.

Some redhead opens the door and we walk in. I hear Arctic monkeys playing and people talking and laughing. We undress from our coats and go to the living room. I see Sara sitting in an armchair dressed in a pair of skinny blue jeans, a gray T-shirt with the sleeves rolled up to her elbows topped with a black vest and, of course, mismatching socks. She's holding a beer bottle and looks as handsome as ever.

Without looking up she asks if Emy brought the gummy bears and she answers that she also brought something else. Sara looks up and freezes.

I smile nervously and say hi. _I knew this was a bad idea. I knew it. What am I doing here? She hates me. Sara hates me. I shouldn't agree on coming. She didn't invite me for god's sake!_

"Hey, Tegan," lost in my thoughts I didn't notice that she stood up and walked over to me.

"Hi. Um. I-ah. Emy said it's okay for me to come. I'll leave if you don't want me here. I just came to say happy birthday. I'll go," I turn around but she grabs my wrist and chuckles.

"It's okay for you to be here, Tegan. Do you want something to drink?" She asks sweetly. _She wants me here. Sara wants me here. Act normal. Act normal._

"Uh…"

"You don't drink alcohol, am I right?"

"Um, yeah."

"Okay. Do you want some orange juice? Or do you want tea?"

"No. Orange juice is fine. Thanks."

"Good. Take a seat and make yourself comfortable. I'll bring you a drink," she smiles at me. "Em, will you help me in the kitchen?"

"Yup."

They leave and I go to sit to the living room on the armchair where Sara was sitting. I see some familiar faces, I recognize Ted, Adam, Jasper and Kate. They recognize me too and introduce me to everyone. They all seem nice and a bit drunk. But it's a party after all.

 **Sara's POV**

"What the hell were you thinking, Emily?!"

"Emily, huh? You're pretty mad, aren't you?"

"This is not a joke! You know that I'm-," I lower my voice, "you know how I feel about her. And you know how I am when I'm drunk. What were you thinking?"

"Honestly? I was thinking 'oh, this is the girl who ruined my relationship with the best human being in the world, I should kill her' but then I thought that she's cute and you love her and from what you told me she's into you so why the hell not bring her here?"

"Em…"

"No, it's fine. I 'm over it. I have Sarah now and I'm happy with her and I want you to be happy too. So do something for it."

I pull her into a hug. "I never wanted to hurt you."

"I know. Now go take care of your lady."

I nod and pour orange juice into a glass while Emy puts the gummy bears into a big bowl and we go back to the living room. I see Tegan sitting where I was sitting. I take a deep breath and go to sit on the armrest.

"I got you the drink," I whisper to Tegan. She blushes and thanks me.

"Oh, yeah. And here is your gift," she says and hands me a small colorful bag.

"You didn't have to get me anything, you know," I smile and take the bag. I look inside and see a book.

"I know but I wanted to. And I'm sorry but I didn't have time to pack it. It's one of my favorite books."

I look at the book. It's titled _The Hotel New Hampshire_ by _John Irving._ My heart starts beating fats. When someone gives you their favorite book it's like they're giving you an important part of them. It's like saying 'Here is a part of my heart. You can have it. I trust you. '. For me, it's the best and the most personal present you can give to someone.

"Oh my god! Thank you so much!" I say excitedly and hug her tightly. _Shit. I'm close to her again. I'm hugging her. She's so warm. Don't smell her. Don't smell her. Don't smell her!_ Suddenly, I feel her taking a deep breath. _She's smelling me._ Then I hear a soft sigh. _She likes how I smell. Wait, I should stop hugging her._

I pull away and smile at her. "Thank you. I'll go to take it to my room," I say and go upstairs.

 **Tegan's POV**

When Sara comes down she grabs another beer and sits on the armrest again. Her left arm rests on the top of the armchair above my head. It makes me feel protected.

I just sit there and listen to the conversation and Sara's sweet laugh. I'm quietly sipping my orange juice. I stay like that for a few minutes until I hear some blond boy call my name.

"Yeah?"

"Don't you want something stronger?"

"No, I'm fine," I smile and shake my head.

"Come oon! You can't drink orange juice all night! I'll grab you a beer," he says standing up.

"No, I really don't drink!"

"Whatever. You have to start someday."

"She said no, Alex. So why don't you sit on your fucking ass and respect her decision?" Sara says calmly. Too calmly. I look up and see her eyes burning holes into the boy, her jaw clenched. She senses me looking at her so she looks down and smiles at me, her eyes much softer. I thank her and she says no problem. We stare into each other's eyes and it's like the whole world stops and it's just the two of us.

"So… um… are you guys, like, together?" Alex asks and we break our stare.

"What? No. Of course not, no. We're not. No," Sara say quickly.

"Ooo-kay."

"So, who's in for some pot?" Sara asks, changing the subject and everyone cheers.

She stands up and brings some box with marihuana and cigarette papers and puts it on the coffee table. People start rolling joints and it surprises me that Sara's not. I look at her, confused.

"I won't leave you in this alone," she smiles. "Oh, and guys, please don't smoke here. Go to the basement or outside. I don't want our living room to smell like pot."

Half of the people stands up to go smoke and the other half decides to stay here and go smoke later. We start chatting about bands we all like and it feels amazing. It feels like I belong here.

After about twenty minutes someone rings the doorbell and Sara gets up to answer the door. Then I hear something like 'Chris' and a loud crash. I quickly get up and run to see what's happening and I feel my heart break at the sight. Sara is pinned against the wall and some blond bitch is kissing her. My eyes water and I run back to the living room.

"Alex?"

"Yeah?"

"I need a drink."


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

 **Sara's POV**

 _What the hell is happening? I can't even… what? Why are my lips moving, why am I kissing back?!_

I pull away from the kiss and push her away from me.

"What the fuck, Christina?" I say wiping my mouth.

"What? It's your birthday! I told you I'd come back," she smirks.

I roll my eyes and grab her hand, pulling her with me upstairs to my room. I close the door and I see her standing by my bed with a sly smile on her lips.

"You want a private time with me, huh?" She says and pulls me to her. I turn my head and her mouth and tongue crash against my cheek. "What's wrong, Sara?"

"What's wrong? Are you kidding me?" She just looks at me confused.

"I thought this is what you wanted."

I sigh. "Yes. This is what I _wanted_. Past tense. I don't want you anymore."

"What?"

"You fucking broke my heart! I was thirteen! You were just using me for fun, you don't even like girls! You were leading me on… do you know how long it took me to be okay again?"

"You started dating Emy very soon."

"After like a year! You were fucking with my brain for fucking seven months! You made me fall in love with you and then you just fucking ripped my heart out of my chest! I was ready to do anything for you!"

"You were thirteen…"

"Exactly! You don't use a thirteen year old girl! I thought you liked me! I was always there for you and then you just fucking broke my heart! Do you know how does that feel? When you think an older girl likes you? When she gives you hope? And then crushes you world? Says you're not ready and she isn't into you anyway? That she never was? That she was just having fun and didn't even think about your feelings? You made me fall in love with you and then you said you didn't care!" Tears are falling from my eyes. "And then you just show up at my birthday party after what three years of ignoring me? What's wrong with you?"

She's just standing there looking at me. I run a hand through my hair and shake my head. "You should go."

She nods and opens the door. "Sorry," she whispers and leaves.

I shut the door and fall on my bed. "Uggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!"

I stay in the bed just looking at the ceiling, calming myself for about fifteen minutes and then I head downstairs again. Everyone is high or drunk (or both) and happy and seeing them all like that lifts my mood a little and I smile.

That smile drops again when I come to the living room, though. I see Alex all over Tegan on the couch. She's trying to push him away but she's not strong enough and he's kissing her neck.

 _Hell no._

Anger boils in me and I jump on Alex pulling him away from her. Then I punch him in the face and grip his shirt.

"Don't you ever touch her again or I'll fucking kill you, do you understand?!"

He nods frantically and I throw him back against the couch. Then I take Tegan's hand and pull her with me to my room.

She's crying softly and she seems pretty drunk. I shouldn't have left her there alone.

I close the door and go to sit on my bed with her. I hug her to my chest and I feel my heart beating rapidly. I squeeze her and rub her back with my hands.

"Are you okay?" I whisper to her hair.

She nods and tries to stop crying. I reach out for the tissues and give them to her. She dries her tears and looks at me with red eyes from crying and alcohol and I smile at her.

"You're sooo gooood to me, Sar," she says drunkenly.

I laugh. "How much did you drink?"

"I dunno."

"And why did you drink?"

She looks down. "I s-saw you k-kissing s-some blond b-bitch and I goot mad."

"Oh."

 _What the fuck? Why does she care if I'm kissing with someone? Does she like me? No, Sara, stop. She's straight. Don't even go there._

She looks at me, her eyelids heavy and stares at me for a while. Then she starts leaning like she wants to kiss me. _Wait, she actually wants to kiss me. What do I do? Christ, Sara, think!_

I turn my head to the side and try to pull away from her as much as I can without having to stop hugging her.

"Hey, Tegan… W-what are you doing?" I say nervously.

She looks at me with angry eyes. "I thought you liked me!"

 _What the hell. How does she…_

"I… I do…"

"Then why don't you want to kiss me?"

 _Oh, fuck it._

"I want to kiss you, Tegan. You have no idea how much I want to kiss you. But not like this. I want us to be sober and you are far from sober. You are sad and angry and probably confused and I don't want to take advantage of you. It means a lot to me, you know? And I don't want you to regret it, I want you to want it just as much as I want it. So no, even though I want to I'm not going to kiss you," I say looking into her beautiful eyes. My heart is beating so fast and hard I'm sure she can feel it. Hell, I'm afraid she might hear it. I hope I just didn't do the biggest mistake.

"You're sweet," Tegan says and cuddles into me again.

"Are you sure you want to?" I ask Tegan, who's a little more sober than she was before but not much.

"Yup! Give it to me!" She says reaching for my joint.

I shake my head and hand it to her. She breaths in and starts coughing.

I laugh at her, already a little high. "Okay, okay. Give it back."

"No way! I want to smoke it!"

"You'll be sick tomorrow from all the alcohol and smoking."

"Whatever, I don't care right now," she says and takes another hit.

Tegan is standing on the coffee table with her arms up. She's completely high.

"Hey, Teegs, what are you doing?"

"I'm trying to reach heaven. Do you think I need a priest for it?"

"I dunno. I would use a ladder."

"That's a great idea!" She says, jumps from the coffee table and lands on the couch next to me. "Do you have one?"

"Naah. You don't need to go to heaven right now. It's better here, don't ya think?"

She cuddles into my side and sighs. "Yeah. So much better."

I smile and throw and arm around her. After a while a feel her breathing grow steady. "Hey, Tegan. Tegan, wake up."

"Huh?" She opens her eyes and looks at me.

"You can't sleep right now."

"Why not? I'm sleepy."

"Hey, do your parents know you're here?"

"Hmm?"

"When is your curfew?"

"Ten pm."

I look at the clock on the wall. 9:58 pm. Fuck.

"Tegan? Where is your phone?"

"Why?"

"We have to text your parents. You can't go home like this."

"They think I'm with Lindsey."

"Great! We'll text them you'll sleep in her house tonight. Now give me your phone."

She hands me her phone and I text her mother.

"Will you kiss me?" Tegan asks looking at me.

I chuckle and my heart warms. "No, you're high."

"Not even on the cheek?" She looks at me with puppy dog eyes.

"Yeah, okay," I say and kiss her on her cheek. "Now let's go eat!"

After we eat some snacks totally drunk Emy with her arm around Sarah's waist comes to us.

"Sara!"

"What's up?"

"It's time for your present from me!"

"Oh, yeah? What is it? Is it a dragon?"

"Is it a giraffe?" Tegan asks.

"Nope!" Emy shakes her head. "I'm taking you to a tattoo/piercing studio!"

"What?"

"Yup! Let's go!"


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

 **Tegan's POV**

I hear my alarm go off. 6:50. Last two nights I didn't sleep at all. I was just staring at the ceiling sometimes crying sometimes not or writing bad poems about my feelings.

For example I wrote _Forever:_

 _She held me today_

 _And I swear I felt her heart_

 _Beat a little faster_

 _As I laid against her chest_

 _She squeezed me a little more in her arms_

 _And suddenly not only my head hurt_

 _But my heart too was aching_

 _For a different reason though_

 _It felt so natural as if_

 _We've done it thousand times before_

 _And so comfortable_

 _Almost too much to bear_

 _And I realized that I_

 _Want to make this heart_

 _Beat faster_

 _That I need to know it's just because of me_

 _And I realized that I_

 _Never want these arms_

 _To leave my body_

 _That I need them to make me feel safe_

 _And I realized_

 _That I need it_

 _Forever_

And I wrote _Sometimes:_

 _Sometimes you're all over me_

 _And I don't exist other times_

 _Sometimes you give me that smile of yours_

 _And sometimes you won't look into my eyes_

 _Sometimes we're touching constantly_

 _We don't share a hug another day_

 _For a while you even held my hand_

 _I don't know why you're acting this way_

 _You never want to explain_

 _And I'm so confused_

 _And I can't help but feel_

 _A little bit used_

 _'Cause nothing makes me happier_

 _Than when you put your head on my shoulder_

 _And nothing makes me sadder_

 _Than when you ignore mine on yours_

So, yeah.

I like Sara.

There, I said it. I like Sara and I like her a lot. I wanted to kiss her, I tried to kiss her! And she said no… And that makes me like her even more that's so unfair! She also said she liked me but that didn't stop her from ignoring me last two days.

When we got back from the studio where Sara got her eyebrow pierced (oh, yeah, Sara has an eyebrow piercing and it's hot!) we drank some more and then I puked for about an hour and Sara was there holding my hair and rubbing my back the whole time.

When I woke up in her bed the next morning she shut me out again. Or I shut her out. I don't even know! I panicked and ran home. When I texted her she didn't reply. And that brings me here, laying in my bed on a Monday morning, tired and questioning my sexuality.

I don't want to be gay.

Maybe I'm not gay maybe I'm bi.

Maybe I'm straight and I only like Sara because, well, look at her! Her soft eyes and shaggy hair and sweet smell and unique fashion taste and her kissable lips and her orgasmic jawline and her long fingers… No, I'm definitely not straight.

But what will my parents say? What will my friends say? And what will Sara say? Would she want to be with someone so inexperienced? I had only one boyfriend and that was Jake and he was awful. He wanted just one thing. But what if Sara wants only that one thing too? No, she said it's important to her to even kiss me when I'm sober she wouldn't just want that… But why has she been ignoring me? Ughhh! Why it has to so difficult to like somebody? I only just admitted it and it's already driving me crazy. She's driving me crazy. Her eyebrow piercing is driving me crazy!

I sigh and get up from my bed.

"What's wrong, Tee?" Lindsey whispers to me when the teacher looks turns around to write something on the board.

"Nothing," I whisper back. "I'm fine."

"Yeah, right. You look like a ghost! Have you even slept last night?"

"Um…"

"Alright class, as you may know Halloween is coming so there will be a party in the gym on Thursday as every year. I want to see all of you there. Bring some costume and you can also help with food, drinks and decorations. It will be from five to nine o'clock and competition for the best costume will be included. There will be a DJ who will take care of music so you can have a good dance. That's all for today, you can go," the teacher says and we all get up and head to the cafeteria.

"So?" Lindsey says when we sit down.

"What?"

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong I already told you. I'm fine."

"You don't look fine and you don't sound fine and you're not fine so just tell me."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Tegan, I'm your best friend you can tell me everything. I won't judge. I just see you're clearly not okay and I want to help. Because, Tegan, I love you but you look awful."

"Yeah, thanks," I laugh.

"No, really. What's up?"

I sigh. "You won't judge, right?"

Lindsey shakes her head. _Okay here we go._

"So, um.. I was at Sara's birthday party on Friday and I got drunk and high and then I puked all night and I kinda almost kissed Sara and I think I like her and I might be into girls and I haven't slept last two nights because of it," I say as quickly as possible. It is actually a good feeling to give it out. But also I'm terrified.

"Hm," Lindsey nods her head.

"Hm? You… you have nothing more to say?"

"No, I… I think I already knew that something like this was going on."

"And you're fine with it?"

"Are you kidding? Of course I am! You're my best friend, the fact that you're into girls doesn't change that."

"Oh, thank god!"

"So, what about Sara? Does she like you back?"

"I guess so. I mean, she said she did. But she's been ignoring me since Saturday…"

"She's just scared as much as you probably. It's going to be fine though. Just give her some time."

"Her? I need to give some time to myself! I mean… I'm still quite confused about this whole thing. I would really welcome some help from her. It's her problem as well after all."

"Tegan. Imagine you like someone and you're convinced they would never ever like you back and then they suddenly try to kiss you. You would be confused as hell. Trust me, she's just scared she'll get hurt or that she'll hurt you. You both need to figure this thing out. But it's gonna be okay."

 _I hope so._


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

 **Tegan's POV**

I'm going through school hall when suddenly an arm pulls me into the bathroom.

"What the hell Lindsey?" I say rubbing my arm.

"I needed to talk to you."

"So you had to break my arm?"

"Oh, shut up. Seriously though I need to talk to you."

"Okay. About what?"

"Sara."

Now I'm paying attention.

"W-what about her?"

"I can't stand looking at you two! You're acting like lovesick teenagers!"

"That's maybe because we are…"

"Yeah, whatever. But really have you seen how she's always staring at you? I think you need to make a move."

"Not 24 hours ago you said I should give her some time and now you're saying that I need to make a move?"

"Well, yes. I mean no. Listen. I still think that you both need time to figure everything out but I also think one of you should actually start doing something about it. She has to know you want her. You have to let her know. I'm not saying to jump at her and fuck her-"

"Lindsey! Jesus… I'm not even thinking about something like that yet… even though I have to admit that she's pretty hot…"

Lindsey laughs hard. "Oh, no, you're sure not thinking about that."

"Shut up I'm not! I only found out that I like girls like two days ago I'm not even close to being ready for that."

"Okay, okay. So anyway, just give her some hints, talk to her. And that lame Halloween party is coming so you can dress into something sexy and, like, you know, try something."

"Lindsey. There is no way I'm trying anything I'm the shyest and most awkward person ever I don't even know how to flirt!" There is no way Sara would even want me to try anything…

"Just follow your instincts. We all have that in ourselves. And it will be dark there, people will be dancing, no one will even notice if you'll be next to her or doing something."

"We won't be doing anything. It's not like Sara would want to anyway…"

Lindsey looks at me with this weird face.

"You're such an idiot, Tegan."

"What? Why?"

"She fucking wants you! You have to stop being so self-conscious. She likes you, okay? From all that you told me and how I see she's looking at you… there is no way she wouldn't like you. She wants you so stop being a coward and show her you want her too!"

"You think I can do it?" I ask still unsure.

Lindsey smiles wide, "Of course you can do it! Now let's go, it smells in here."

I chuckle and we step out of the bathroom where someone immediately bumps in me. Just my luck…

I turn around and see Sara looking at me with wide eyes. Lindsey winks at me and leaves me alone with her.

"I-I'm sorry… um… uh… are you okay?"

"Yea-" wait Tegan. You can do it. Show her you want her too. "Yeah, no. My arm hurts a little would you look at it?" I say looking at her innocently.

She blushes and reaches for my arm. When her fingertips touch my skin I feel tingles everywhere.

"I-it looks fine."

I lock my eyes with hers. Her face is red as a tomato by now and I have to fight the smile tearing my cheeks. We stay like that for a while and then I slowly shift my gaze to her eyebrow.

"That piercing looks really good on you."

She looks down. "Thanks…"

"How much was it anyway? I can't really remember details like that from that night," this is the first time I mention that night. She looks at me surprised and unsure and scratches the back of her head.

"I-uh… I don't really know to be honest. It was Emy's gift so…" she trails off.

"Oh, yeah, that's true," I smile and she smiles back shyly.

An awkward silence begins to form. Tegan, say something! Show her you're interested!

"You know what she told me when I asked her what she was going to give you when I couldn't decide myself what to buy?"

"No, what did she tell you?"

"That's she's going to give you some birthday sex."

"Oh," she blushes and looks down. "Emy can be a little… inappropriate."

"Yeah, you have no idea how jealous I was."

Her head shoots up to look at me with confused and surprised eyes. "…right."

"I mean, it sound like a great present, doesn't it?"

"Uh-I… I guess."

Okay change the subject, Tegan, change the subject!

"So, yeah, anyways I wanted to ask you about the price because I was thinking about getting a piercing myself."

"Really? You and a piercing?" She says clearly amused. What a shift from that awkward blushing schoolgirl!

"Yes. Is it so unbelievable? What am I some innocent angel who can't even think about such things?"

She laughs. "Well, I'm pretty sure you're everything but innocent after what I saw on Friday night."

I look at her smugly with an amused smile and lock our eyes. _Sara, Sara, Sara_ … "You liked it didn't you?"

There goes that blushing girl, won't you look at it! "Uh…"

I decide not to torture her that much. "So what would you think?"

"Hm?" She looks up.

"I was thinking about getting it here," I point on a spot just under my lip. When I see her look there I lick my lips slowly and slightly bite the bottom one. It seems like she can't look away and I love it. I can't help but smile.

"It was nice chatting with you and we should do it again sometime but I'm going to be late for my class so… see you later," I wink at her and leave.

 _Oh. My. God. Ohmygod, I did it! I flirted with her! At least I think it was flirting… I can't wait to tell Lindsey!_

 **Sara's POV**

 _What the fuck was that?! She… she flirted with me! She indirectly said she wanted to have sex with me! No, Sara, that was a joke. Don't get too excited. You don't even want to sleep with her. You want to hold her hand. But she flirted!_

After she ran away that morning I thought she didn't want to have anything with me anymore and when she texted me asking how I was feeling I didn't answer because I thought she just felt bad and guilty for running away and not saying anything. I even tried to ignore those looks she has been giving me and limit the ones she has been receiving from me. I thought I only imagined everything… But now? She… she actually… she actually likes me! Or at least I hope so. Well, we're going to see.

The decision has been made. I'm going to play her a song I wrote for her and I'm going to sweep her off her feet.


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

 **Sara's POV**

Yesterday and today were absolutely the same as yesterday. Tegan kept giving me flirtatious smiles and longing looks. She kept biting her lip whenever we talked and her undertone was just… ugh!

I talked to Emy earlier about it because I just couldn't keep it in me anymore. She said something like "Ohmigod, I knew it I'm so happy for you!" and "You have to get her already!" which I know, I have to. And I'm going to. I have tonight perfectly planned. Well, maybe not perfectly…

My only plan is to look good so she can't keep her eyes off of me and then take her out of the gym where the party is happening, play her the song, make her fall in love with me and live with her happily forever.

Unfortunately, the problem comes already with the first step. It's Halloween and I'm going to be dead and how am I supposed to look good when I'm dead?

I'm dressing as young dead Paul McCartney from The Beatles. I'm going to wear a suit and I'm taking my guitar with me.

I look at the clock, it's already past six pm. The "party" has started at five but I believe the first hour or so are just some activities and games and just… boring stuff. So, no dark, no music and, most importantly, no time with Tegan without everyone noticing. And she is the only reason I'm going there so there's no point in being there when I can't be with her. But I think it's time to get ready.

I grab the suit, well, technically, it's not a real suit. It's just black skinny jeans, white shirt, black tie and black blazer. But it will do. I dress and look into the mirror.

 _It definitely will do, I look so good!_

Then I go to the bathroom and brush my hair. I take a deep breath and call my mum. This beauty is going to go away in a few moments. I should take a photo…

"Hey honey, what do you- wow! You look so handsome!"

"Not for long. Could you make me look a little… dead?"

"Uh, sure. Let me grab my make up," she says leaving the bathroom.

"Mum?"

She turns around. "Yeah?"

"Could you take a photo of me before I look gross?"

She laughs. "Of course."

I hand her my phone and she takes a photo of me. Then she goes to grab her make-up and comes back.

"So, do you have some idea how you want to look?"

"Well, I still want to look kinda good so… maybe pale face and, I don't know, circles under my eyes? What do you think?"

"That'll go. Let's get to work," she smiles and starts applying… things on my face. "To be honest, Sara, since you came out to me I stopped hoping I would ever help you with your make up and never in million years I would imagine that the first time you're wearing some will be to make you look dead."

I chuckle, " You seriously thought I would ever wear make-up even before I came out? I can't believe you were so oblivious!"

"I was still hoping. You are my daughter, I had some expectations."

"Like wearing make up to impress boys?"

"Not exactly. But I also didn't expect you to wear it to impress a girl."

"Mum! I'm not doing this to impress her! I'm in a suit to impress her."

She laughs. "I don't think you need to impress her but you certainly will," she says. LOkay, I'm done. You can look at yourself."

O look into the mirror and, yeah, I look dead. But not too much. It looks really good.

"Thanks, mum. It's great," I say and kiss her cheek,

"So, um… is Tegan gay?"

Her question surprises me. "Wha-I… I don't know. I don't think it really matters what you call yourself. I just know she likes me and that's what matters to me. Plus, I can't expect from her to know immediately. It takes some time to figure out."

My mum smiles. "You know what? You're a perfect person and I'm actually glad that you like girls. They deserve someone as amazing as you are. And now go get ready I'll drive you to school."

I step to the gym an hour and half late. I have a guitar case in my hand and everyone looks at me as I close the screeching door. _Fucking great._

One of the teachers comes to me to say that I'm late (really?) and that there is one game left and to go stand somewhere aside. I do as she said and scan the room.

Ghosts... monsters… horror characters… slendermen… sluts… Easter bunny… _wait what? Easter bunny? Really?_ I roll my eyes and keep looking around. Hm, hm, hm, no, no, nope, no….

And then I see her. My jaw drops on the floor. My eyes pop out. My breathing stops. My head spins. My heart explodes.

Tegan. Is. So. Hot.

She has black vans, black skinny jeans, tight but not just normal tight - it's that kind of tight in which only certain people look good, it's that kind of tight which hugs your stomach perfectly and makes your breasts look oh so amazing, it's that kind of tight which clings to your sweaty body and doesn't want to let go, it's that kind of tight from which you can't take your eyes off and it's that kind of tight which Tegan has just on her and I think I'm literally dying – batman T-shirt. She has painted red cut on her beautiful neck and has batman mask on her face. She has light make up on but I can see it even from where I stand right now because it makes her cheekbones look… I can't even describe it! I even think she has a lipstick on. It hurts to look at her but I can't tear my eyes away from her. She is just so beautiful. I can't even…

Oh. My. God. Is that a smirk on her face? So you know what you're doing to me, hm? Well, two can play this game.

I lock our eyes and lick my lips slowly and bite my lip. Then I run my right hand through my hair and raise my eyebrows at her. _Oh, where is that smirk now, Tegan? Is that too much for you, little girl?_ I see her eyes run all over my body over and over again. She's so obviously checking me out. And I love it so much.

Just as I'm about to make another sexy move, the principal's voice speaks up from the speakers. She says something about the DJ being herenin a few minutes and that we can eat some snacks from the tables in the back and to enjoy this and stuff.

I decide to have some sandwich or something because I didn't have dinner and I'm pretty hungry. I head to the tables full of food and bottles and hands of other hungry students. I see a tray full of sandwiches and I smile to myself. I go grab one and when I turn around Tegan's lovely face appears just a few inches from mine. And there's that pants-dropping smirk again.

 _Fuck me._


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19**

 **Tegan's POV**

Sara's wide eyes are staring at me, a sandwich in one hand and her guitar case in the other. She looks so handsome and super cute and I absolutely love how it is between us right now. She let down all her walls and is actually showing how big effect I have on her. It's the same effect she has on me.

"Hi, Sara," I say, smirking.

"Uh," she clears her throat and composes herself, "Hi, Tegan. You look," she looks me up and down, "…nice."

"Thank you. Isn't that make up too much?"

"Oh, no! You look like a real bat girl."

"Well, you know how much of a _bad_ girl I can be," I wink at her.

"Aren't superheroes supposed to be good, though?"

"Not Bategan, no."

"Bategan?" She chuckles. "That's smart."

"Thank you. You look really good yourself. Uhm, what are you supposed to be?"

She laughs. "Paul McCartney, isn't that obvious?"

"Oh, right! Your not British accent confused me."

"Well, _mate_ , your accent is the last thing you're thinking about when you're talking to a beautiful girl," she says looking deep into my eyes.

"Oh," I blush hard and look down. Suddenly, all my swag disappears. I'm back to shy. She is just so good! I have to say something, but what? What should I say to something like that? She said I'm beautiful, she thinks I'm beautiful! It's like I lost my tongue, I can't…

"Hey," she touches my arm softly and runs her thumb across the skin there. I look up shyly and see her looking at me with a small smile and warm eyes. "Would you go with me to the changing room to put my guitar there?"

I smile. "Sure."

As we step into the empty changing room I suddenly find the courage to speak again. "So, are you going to play me some Beatles song?"

She laughs and puts her guitar around her neck, jumps on one of the benches there and starts fooling around with chords. Then she starts to sing with looking into my eyes playfully.

"Well she was just seventeen

if you know what I mean

and the way she looked was so beyond compare

so how could I dance with another

when I saw her standing there"

Then she jumps off the bench and puts her guitar back to the case. Did she mean it? She could pick any song by them and she picked this one. Why? Does she really like me that much or is it just a coincidence?

When she puts her guitar away she comes to me and reaches for my hand. I don't think it's healthy for my heart to beat this hard. Oh my god she has such a soft hand. Are my palms sweaty? What if they are and she finds it gross? I'm so nervous around her… Oh god what is she doing? Is she going to kiss me? I don't know if I'm ready for that! She's leaning in! What if I'm a bad kisser?

She misses my lips and I feel her hot breath on my ear. Then I hear her raspy whisper.

"And my heart went boom

when I crossed that room

and I held her hand in mine"

She pulls away and smiles at me with so much… love? in her eyes and I don't think I can take it. Even with that pale face and circles under her eyes… even when she's completely beaten up and has bruises everywhere… even when she's avoiding me… I can't help it I think I'm starting falling for her. And that thought scares me. I'm still not completely okay with being into girls. I'm not even comfortable with saying that I might be… gay. But she's just so beautiful and so good to me. How can someone so amazing like her like someone so boring like me?

"Want to dance?" She asks still holding my hand in hers. I was so lost in her eyes that I didn't even notice the music coming from the gym.

"I'd love to," I reply and she squeezes my hand one last time before letting go. _No… come back, hand, I wasn't ready for that!_

After dancing with Sara and my friends for two hours I decide to have something to drink. I head to the tables and I suddenly feel a hand slip into mine and squeeze it. I look to the side and see Sara looking straight in front of her but I can see her smile. Then I look down at our hands and smile to myself too. Most people are dancing and nobody is paying attention to us so I'm not afraid of holding her hand and all and to be honest I'm really enjoying the feeling.

"Thirsty?" She yells over the loud music.

"Yeah!" I yell back.

"I hope you'll get pure orange juice and not the vodka one like the last time!"

"Hey!" I playfully punch her to the shoulder and she laughs. "I had my reasons."

"Oh, yeah, you were jealous that you weren't the one kissing me, right?" She jokes.

"Yeah, that's right. I can't stand looking at other people kissing you."

She stops in her tracks. "R-really?"

I squeeze her hand. "Yes, really. And now are you going to let me get a drink, or…?"

"Oh, yeah, sorry…" she says and starts walking again.

When we finish and I start walking back to dance some more she stops me.

"Would you want to... uhm… maybe… uh, I'm not saying you have to we can stay here if you want to but, uh, would you… would you like to go somewhere else? With me?"

She wants to leave. And be with me. Alone. And she's so nervous about it. She's so cute!

Hell yes I want to go!

"Yeah."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Yes. I want to go."

"Really?"

"Oh my god, Sara, yes. Yes, I would love to go somewhere else with you."

"Wow, cool, great. Let's go then."

I grab my coat and Sara grabs her blazer which she put off earlier because she was hot - and let me tell you seeing her in the white shirt with her sleeves rolled up and that loosen up tie made hot me this time - and her leather jacket.

I say bye to Lindsey and she just looks at me knowingly and wishes me luck.

Then Sara grabs her guitar case and we leave the school.

Just as we are out of sight of the boys smoking in front of the building she holds my hand again and I feel whole. I intertwine our fingers and she smiles.

"I like this," she says.

"Me too."

She smiles more and we fall into a comfortable silence. I don't even care where she's taking me. I would happily spend all night with her just walking around and holding her hand. I want nothing more.

After walking for a few minutes we find ourselves in a small park and she leads us to an open lawn with a few benches. No trees are there so we can see the stars and the moon clearly. She takes me to one of the benches and takes of her jacket and then her blazer which she puts on the bench. She motions for me to sit down while she's putting the jacket back on. She's so sweet and caring and just… perfect. Then she picks her guitar out of the case and sits next to me with the guitar on her thighs.

"I-ah… I wrote a song for you."

"What?!" _What?!_ "You did?"

"Yeah… um… I kinda, you know, couldn't stop thinking about you. For a really long time, to be honest. And I… I really like you, Tegan."

I smile so wide I'm afraid it will tear up my cheeks. "I really like you too. Really, really. Like… a lot."

She chuckles. "Really really?"

"Really really."

We just stare at each other for a while and I've never in my life felt so good.

"So are you going to play me that song?"

"What? Yeah. Yeah, sorry," she says and starts playing.

" _An angel kissed my strings_

 _While I slept last night_

 _And her rhythm broke my hunger_

 _And I died a little less_

 _Well I just want to get some_

 _Get some while I'm still tall_

 _Oh, let's tell the world we're unheard_

 _We're unsure_

 _We're unstop_

 _We're unstoppable_

 _Oh let's tell the girls to be strong_

 _To be sure_

 _To be heard_

 _We want to be heard_

 _And you're all_

 _You're all I want_

 _Yeah you're all I want_

 _So tell me, tell me, tell me,_

 _Tell me, tell me where have you been?_

 _Well an angel kissed my hands_

 _While I slept last night_

 _And when I woke up this morning_

 _God, I missed you something fierce_

 _I just want to get some_

 _Get some while I'm still tall_

 _Oh, let's tell the world we're unheard_

 _We're unsure_

 _We're unstop_

 _We're unstoppable_

 _Oh let's tell the girls to be strong_

 _To be sure_

 _To be heard_

 _We want to be heard_

 _And you're all_

 _You're all I want_

 _Yeah you're all I want_

 _So tell me, tell me, tell me,_

 _Tell me, tell me where have you been?_

 _Fashion isn't dead_

 _No it's just inside out_

 _It's just inside out_

 _She says she needs a priest_

 _Wants to get closer to God_

 _I say all I need's a ladder_

 _I want to touch your sky_

 _You want it all_

 _Do you want it all?_

 _Do you want me all?_

 _Do you want it all?_

 _And you're heavy in my heart_

 _You're heavy in my hands_

 _You're heavy in my mouth_

 _Yes you're heavy in my day_

 _You're heavy in my songs_

 _You're heavy in light_

 _And you're all that I want_

 _Yeah you're all that I want_

 _And you're all that I want_

 _God you're all that I want_

 _Oh, you're all I want"_

 _Oh. My. God._ "Did you really wrote that for me?"

"Yeah…"

"You're all I want too, Sara."

She smiles. "Really really?"

"Yes, really really."

The smile on her face is so big I swear it's the biggest smile I have ever seen.

"So, will you let me take you on a date?"

I start nodding frantically. "Yes. Yes. Please do that. Yes."

"Really really?"

"Jesus, stop with that already!"

"Why? You're cute when you say that," she says looking lovingly into my eyes.

"Really really?"

"Really really. The cutest."

Again, we just stare into each other's eyes for what seems like forever.

"Wanna go to my house, watch Disney and drink tea?"

My eyes start to water. How do I deserve someone like her?

I just nod, unable to speak.

And she takes my hand and kisses it.

And then she takes me to her place and we watch Disney and drink tea.

And I feel like I am the happiest person on the world when I fall asleep in her arms.


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

 **Tegan's POV**

 _Where am I? This is not what my bed feels like… or smells like. But mmm this one smells really good._

I open my eyes and am met with other pair of warm, hazel eyes. I suddenly remember everything from last night. The party, the dancing, the song… Sara. Cuddling with her, laughing with her. Holding her hand. Oh my god this is the best feeling ever I never want it to go away. I'm so happy.

"Good morning, beautiful," Sara whispers and pushes away the hair from my eyes.

I nuzzle into her touch. "Good morning, ma Cherie."

Her eyes soften even more (if that's possible) and the biggest goofy grin forms on her lips.

"Awww, that was the cutest thing ever!"

"You're the cutest thing ever," I mumble and stretch.

I look at Sara again and she looks like she's on the edge of crying. I shift closer to her and stroke her cheek. "Are you okay?" I ask, concerned.

She nods. "Yeah, it's just," her voice cracks, "I'm so happy right now that's all."

I smile softly, "I'm so happy right now too."

"Are you sure?"

"What? Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure. What's that supposed to mean? Of course I'm happy."

"I just… I… I want you to be sure about this. Because… you're new to this all, you've never been with a girl before and… what if you don't even want to be and I... I just… I care so much about you I don't think I could handle it if you…"

"Hey, hey. Stop. Stop. Look at me. I'm not going anywhere. I'm sure about this, about my feelings for you. I know you're scared and I'm scared too but I know what I want. I want to try this with you. Not because it's just some experiment for me but because I really like you. You don't have to worry, okay? Okay?"

"Okay. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I understand," I smile, "Uhm, can I…?" I stretch my arms to her.

"Yeah. Come here," she grins and opens her arms. I lay my head on her chest and she wraps her arms around me. I sigh happily when I'm surrounded by her sweet smell. This feels so so good. I can hear her heart beating fast and the fact that I'm doing this to her makes me smile and nuzzle into her T-shirt a little more. She squeezes me softly and starts stroking my hair. I never want to leave this bed.

As I feel myself drifting off again, the door shoots open and Sara's brother screams.

"Oh my god you did it!" He yells and jumps on us.

He starts hugging Sara still yelling that she did it.

"Jesus, Kyle, get off!" She pushes him away. He's smiling widely and moves his eyes on me. Then he starts hugging me.

"Thank you thank you thank you!"

I chuckle. "For what?"

He lifts his head and looks at me sincerely. "For giving her a chance."

I look at Sara and see her flushed face. "Okay, Kyle, now go away."

"Mum says that the breakfast is ready," he says and hugs me one more time.

After he leaves Sara stands up and she looks so cute in her green pajama pants and an oversized white T-shirt and bed hair. I'm dressed similarly in red PJ pants and a gray tee which holds her smell.

"Uh… we should go to eat, my mum doesn't like waiting so…" she says looking on the ground and starts walking towards the door. I quickly grab her hand and pull her to the bed again.

"Hey! What was that?" she asks surprised when she lands on her back. I climb on top of her and hug her.

"Thank _you_ for giving _me_ a chance," I whisper and kiss her cheek. "Now let's go, I don't want your mum to keep waiting."

 **Sara's POV**

This girl. This damn girl. I love her so much. She was I was embarrassed and she made sure I'd feel okay again. And oh my god she kissed my cheek! She's so cute! And seeing her in my clothes… that does things to me… _No, bad Sara_.

I get up and run after her. I find her on top of the stairs waiting for me. She smiles and reaches for my hand. It still surprises me how a shock shoots through my whole body when our hands touch. I waited so long for this… and it feels even better than I ever imagined.

As we step into the kitchen Tegan tightens the grip on my hand. She's clearly nervous about meeting my mum after spending the night in my bed. Even though we didn't even kiss. We just cuddled. And I wouldn't change a thing about that.

I run my thumb over hers giving her the reassurance.

"Oh! Good morning, girls! How did you sleep?" My mum asks giving us a warm smile _. You don't have to worry about anything Tegan, she likes you._

"Very good, thanks you," Tegan answers politely.

I chuckle at how nervous she is. "We stayed up late, watching movies. But yeah it was good. The best I'd say," I say and squeeze Tegan's hand. My mum's eyes travel to our connected hands and her smile widens.

"Well, come on, eat something. What do you want to drink?"

I pull the chair for Tegan, she blushes and sits down with a small "thank you".

"Do you want tea?" I ask her.

"Yes," she nods.

I smile and make her tea just how she likes it. Then I sit down next to her. She tanks me and we start eating.

"So, how was yesterday?"

"You don't have to go, mum doesn't mind you being here," I say to Tegan when she comes back from the bathroom in her clothes from yesterday.

"I know but I want to shower and get some more sleep. Plus my mum would welcome some help with Jessie when we don't have school today."

"Oh, yeah… right," I say disappointed and she grabs my hands.

"But you can go with me and Jess for a walk after lunch if you want," she says.

"Yeah, I'd like that," I smile, "call me when you'll know the time, okay?"

She nods. "I'm looking forward to it."

I smirk. "Really really?"

"Shut up!" She punches me playfully to my shoulder, laughing.

"Make me."

Aaaaaaaand here comes the tension. But not the hot kind. The awkward kind. I always know what to say, don't I… fuck.

"Yeah. Okay, that was inappropriate, sorry. Hug me?" I say with puppy dog eyes.

"Make me," she says teasingly.

"Oh, I will," I grab her by the waist before she can escape and pull her to the bed with me. She pretends to fight me when I try to hug her but I know better. After few seconds she gives up and I hug her to me. She lets out a happy sigh. I smile widely and ask her if she really has to go and she nods.

We lay there for a little while and then I let her go. Unwillingly but eventually.


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21**

 **Sara's POV**

"Hey, Ted, is everything ready?" I ask as Ted picks up the phone.

"Yup. Don't have to worry 'bout anything, Sar. Everything's prepared just how you wanted."

"Is your dad okay with it? I don't want you to get into trouble for me..."

"No, it's fine! You know he loves you. He said he's pretty upset that you haven't showed up in a while."

"Yeah, I'm sorry 'bout that… Tell him I will make it up for him, kay?"

"Gross... You are my friend not his don't forget about that."

"I won't forget, ever. But he's the one who's lending me his café for a date so..."

"But I'm the one who convinced him," he points out.

"Yes, you are and I will be forever grateful for that Ted. You're just the best. I mean... for a guy you're good."

"Shut your dirty lucky mouth, you know I would totally pick you up if you didn't have the healthy brain to like ladies instead of us."

"Whatever you say Ted. Look I gotta go. Thanks for everything. I'll ring you when I need the keys."

"Have fun!" He says and I hang up.

It's not mine whose fun I'm worried about. I'm really fucking nervous... I've never been so nervous because of a date before. Of course, the date had never been with Tegan. I don't wanna fuck this up, I really don't. I have to keep her with me until it's too late for her to go away... Fuck I've never been the clingy type! What's wrong with me... She's making me... Ugh, I don't even know how to describe it. She's making me feel like.. not myself. Not in a bad way like she's trying to change me or something.. I just feel.. different around her. And because of her. And it's so new to me I'm just not used to it. Most of the time I like how I feel. But sometimes like this time when I'm freaking out and being clingy and nervous... I don't like it at all, it's so unlike me... I wanna be confident about this. I wanna be sure about this. I mean I am sure about _this,_ about Tegan, about my feelings for her... I'm just... Well I feel like a teenager who's taking another teenager whom they really like on a date and is freaking out about it. And let me tell you it's not a good feeling.

I didn't want to have the typical movie and dinner date... I'm taking her to the theatre to see a play The crime and punishment. I know it's not the most romantic thing but I've noticed the book in her room and she's told me she liked it a lot so when I was browsing the program and saw it I couldn't resist.

Then I'm taking her to Ted's dad café. It will be closed and there is a really nice room downstairs in the basement where we will have pancakes my mom made for dinner because when we had it for the breakfast she said she's never eaten so good pancakes and that she could eat them forever and I thought it will be a good idea.

Ted is going to take care of the room and settings. There is an L couch there and a table in front of it. I didn't want it to be too romantic, more like relaxed and free... However, I asked him to put a nice tablecloth on the table and light some candles. There is also a table football there so we could play afterwards or dance because there is a lot of space and a stereo...

We used to go there all the time with Ted and Emy and the others.. It was our hide away our special spot... And I want to show it to Tegan. I hope she will like it and that it's not too weird for the first date. I just didn't want it to be stereotypical. Or uninteresting. Or too normal. I wanted it to be special but in my way. God it was a terrible idea... Take her to the basement of your friend's dad café? Jesus, Sara, what were you thinking? That's ridiculous! And crazy and not romantic at all. It's weird and gross... I'm so nervous... What am I gonna do?

 **Tegan's POV**

What should I wear? Sara said to wear something nice… A dress? No, that's too much. A skirt? Hell, I don't even like skirts! Maybe a shirt and jeans would be good… No, I should wear something more feminine… Does Sara even like feminine? What if she doesn't like me? What if she leaves to the bathroom and never comes back?

Stop it, Tegan. That's not going to happen.

But what if it is?

I have to call Lindsey.

"Yup?" Lindsey says as she picks up the phone.

"Lindsey, I'm freaking out!"

"What? Why? Are you okay?"

"No. Not at all. Sara's going to be here in 20 minutes and I don't know what to do! I don't know what to wear I don't know how to act I don't know… I just don't know. What if she doesn't like me? What if she realizes that I'm boring and not worth it? I mean, she can have any girl she wants. Look at her! She's gorgeous! And look at me… I'm… I'm a nerd."

"Yes. Yes you are and that is totally gonna happen. You're right. Cancel it so I can go out with her because she's so hot and I can't wait to take her away from you. I mean, look at you! You're just a nerd. Uninteresting, ugly, fat… Are you even a girl? Of course she's not going to like you what are you thinking?"

"Lindsey!"

"What? That's what you're thinking right? You think you're not good enough. What do you want me to say?"

"Hey! You're supposed to make me feel better!"

"Why? You don't even believe that she doesn't want you. Just stop overthinking, okay? You're awesome. Really. And she already likes you there is no way she's gonna realize that you're not good for her because you are. You are the best, Tegan. So now you're going to change into something nice and you will enjoy the night. Understand?"

"But-"

"No buts, Tegan! I don't get you. I tell you bad things, I tell you good things and you don't like either of that. What do you want me to say?"

"I don't know… I'm just scared…"

I hear Lindsey sigh. "I know you are, okay? But you don't have to be. Do you know where she's taking you?"

"No. But she said I should wear something nice."

"It's probably going to be just a dinner and a movie date. Wear something you're comfortable in but also something you are not ashamed to be seen in. How about that purple sweater you bought the last time we were shopping?"

"Yeah… that's a really good idea, actually. Thanks, Linds."

"Don't mention it. If something goes wrong call me. Even though I don't see what could go wrong. Just don't sleep with her, it's just the first date."

"Lindsey!"

She laughs. "I'm joking, chill! And now hurry up she's going to be there any minute."

"Okay, bye!"

I love Lindsey, she always helps me with my nerves although I still feel my heart beating hard and I'm breathing fast. But at least I know what to wear.

I go to my closet and pick up the purple sweater, black bra and black skinny jeans. I brush my teeth for the millionth time today and check my freshly washed hair. I put a necklace on my neck and squirt a little bit of perfume on me.

Just as I'm starting to breathe normally I hear the doorbell. _Damn._ Calm down, Tegan. Calm down. Calm the hell down!

"Tegan, the door!" My mum yells.

"Coming!"

I told her I'm going out with a friend, I haven't got the courage to tell her it's a date. With a girl. With Sara. God, I'm going on a date with Sara!

I run down the stairs and take a deep breath in front of the door.

I open the door and am met with the most perfect face and shy smile of the amazing Sara Quin.

She's wearing black skinny jeans, a striped black and white T-shirt, black blazer and a black winter jacket. The wind is blowing her hair in the opposite way that she parted it and it's absolutely super cute. She has her right hand behind her back and I wonder what she's hiding.

She eyes me up and down and her smile widens. "Hi. You look amazing."

I blush and smile shyly. "Thanks. You too."

We just stare at each other for a while (we seem to do that a lot) and then she pulls her hand from behind her back. She's holding one white rose.

"Um, this is for you," she says handing me the rose. "I've always imagined giving you a rose on our first date. It's in those old movies all the time. The gentleman picks up the girl and gives her a rose or some other flower. I've always liked it. I hope it isn't too much."

"No, no. It's super sweet. You are super sweet," I say and sniff the rose. It smells amazing. Like roses. Hah. Obviously. "I'll put it to a vase and we can go."

"Don't forget a coat. It's really cold tonight."

"So, where are you taking me?" I ask when I step outside.

"You don't like surprises, do you?" She chuckles.

"No, I do. I just always want to know what they are."

"We're going to the theatre."

"Really?" She's taking me to the theatre. The date's already too perfect.

"Yeah. The crime and punishment. You said you liked the book, right?"

"Yes! Oh my god, you're amazing! I can't believe you're taking me to see a play. I love plays."

She smiles. "So do I," she says and holds out her hand which I immediately take.

"It was… Wow," Sara says stunned as we step out of the building.

"Yeah. So… woah. They played it amazingly! It was breathtaking."

"So it wasn't a horrible unromantic idea to take you to see it?"

"You're kidding?! It was the best time of my life! It was far much romantic than… I don't know… any other date I can imagine."

"Don't be so sure it isn't over yet."

"It's not?" I ask excitedly.

"Nope. But I have to make a quick stop at a friend's house first."

It showed up that the friend was Ted and Sara needed keys from him though she don't want to tell me what for.

After a few minutes we come to a small nice looking closed café and Sara stops there.

"What are we doing here?"

"Getting in," Sara says and unlocks the door.

"What? I don't understand…"

"Just trust me," she smiles and holds my hand.

She unlocks the door when we're in and then she leads me to a stairs leading down. I can see a soft orange light coming from downstairs and as we get closer and closer to it I realize it's from the candles. We step down from the last stair and go around the corner where I can see a couch and a table with a covered bowl, two plates and two glasses.

I turn to look at Sara who's uncertainly looking at me. "Is, uh, is it okay?"

I nod and without a word I go to hug her tightly. "It's perfect. Thank you, Sara."

I take off my coat and she her winter jacket and we go to sit down. "So, what are we having?"

Sara uncovers the bowl. "Pancakes," she says looking at me.

My eyes go wide. "Your mum's pancakes?"

"Yup," she grins.

"Can this night get any better?"

We're talking the whole time we eat. Sara told me all about this place and about the memories she and her friends have connected to this one room. She told me how she got drunk for the first time here and how she fell asleep one time and stayed here the whole night.

We talk about anything and everything and eventually we get to those days when we were making the project together.

"I was hoping you would pick up some really bad band like One Direction or Taylor Swift or something so I could like you less but you had to show me you have even amazing music taste and there is no way I could not like you," she laughs.

"Uhh…"

"What?"

"Maybe I don't have such amazing music taste as you think…"

"Don't tell me you like 1D."

I stay silent.

"Jesus, you do!"

"They are just so beautiful!"

"God…," Sara says and holds her head in her hands.

"What? They are! And their music is good too… And Taylor is a cutie."

"Seriously, Tegan?"

"You should know the best to not judge people by what they like."

"What? No, I don't judge you! I'm just surprised. I would never judge you, Tegan," she says and reaches for my hand.

"Have you ever even heard them?"

"Um… not really."

I smirk.

"What? No. No way. We are not gonna listen to them."

"Oh, yes, we are," I say and pull my phone from my pocket. "What album?"

"They have more albums?"

"Sara."

"Okay, whatever. Choose your favorites."

"Awesome," I say and get up from the table. "And now get up and dance with me."

"We are going to dance to One Direction?"

"Mhmm."

"Jesus...," she sighs but gets up and walks to me.

I choose the "1D slow sad songs" playlist and we start to sway to the music. My arms around her neck hers on my waist.

"I never thought I'd ever admit it, and if you ever say this to someone I will deny it, but they really aren't that bad."

As she says it _Truly, madly, deeply_ starts playing and I look into her eyes.

"This is one of my favorite songs," I say and she nods listening to the lyrics.

We continue swaying and I eventually start softly singing Zayn's part.

" _Wish I could freeze this moment in a frame and stay like this_

 _or put this day back on replay and keep reliving it_

 _Cause it's the tragic truth, if you don't feel the same_

 _My heart would fall apart if someone said your name"_

As I sing those words something in her eyes changes and she starts studying my face. I fall silent and watch her searching for anything she needs to find. Her gaze shifts and she looks deeply into my eyes and I just can't look away from her piercing hazel orbs looking straight through my soul.

Then her eyes start slowly traveling down to my lips and I instinctively lick them. She looks back to my eyes and licks her own.

My breath catches in my throat when I realize what's going to happen. She's going to kiss me. And I'm going happily to kiss her back.

I smile softly to show her I want it too and she smiles back. Then she starts leaning in and my eyes close. My head shifts a bit to the right and then I feel her lips on mine. Soft, warm lips gently pressing to mine. Butterflies, no, dragons start flying all around the inside of my stomach and my heart starts pushing into my chest and I really wish I could freeze this moment and stay like this forever but the first thing I know is that Sara starts pulling away and I know I can't let it happen. It's all too soon and I don't ever want this kiss to end. So I softly part my lips and push myself back into her. And what I thought were dragons are now fireworks and what I thought was hard beating is now cannonballs shooting again and again wanting to get out of my chest and I've never felt so good…


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22**

 **Tegan's POV**

I was so high from kissing Sara all Sunday. We only shared one another kiss and a long hug when she walked me home on Saturday night. It was really hard not to start screaming and jumping when I got inside. I didn't want to seem suspicious and weird around my parents because mum always knows when something's going on. So when I got home I only kissed them goodnight and went to my room where I almost fell down because of all the things on the floor. I should really clean that room. But I didn't really have time to think about that. I had to do something with the overwhelming feeling in my chest. I threw myself on the bed and started screaming to the pillow until I was out of breath.

I sighed, it helped a little but then I again remembered her soft lips on my unexperienced ones and her rosy cheeks and her hard fingertips on mine and I remembered her big smile and dreamy look in her eyes and her amazing peachy smell and her messy hair and her laugh and how she'd been so shy just as I'd been and her lisp when she'd whispered how she wanted to do it for a really long time and I remembered how my head had been spinning and I realized it was still spinning and I had to tell someone about everything so I called Lindsey and she's been already sleeping but she picked up anyway and I told her all about Sara's lips and her smell and her hands and her smile and her voice and how it had felt like my inside wanted to explode and I'd been so happy and I hadn't known what to do with all the feelings and Lindsey asked if I was in love with her and I couldn't respond because it was all so soon and I didn't know I didn't know anything so I said that I didn't know and that the only thing I could tell her is that I've never been aware of something missing inside of me but it has been I've never been whole until the moment we kissed and she looked at me with those shining eyes and I just didn't know and I missed her, god, how I missed her already and then all Lindsey said was _wow_ and I said _yeah_ and she said that I'm deep in and I said _yeah_ and then I started babbling again and I repeated all that I already said and she listened and I don't remember how but I fell asleep and dreamed about that moment over and over again all night until the sound of my phone woke me up on Sunday morning.

 **Sara's POV**

It starts snowing on my way to school from the bus stop. I've always liked snow. I wonder if Tegan does. Oh, Tegan… the thought of her immediately puts a smile on my face. Saturday was amazing. More than that it was perfect. I can't wait to see her. And maybe throw her into the snow. And kiss her until she's not mad at me anymore for wetting her clothes.

When I get home mum and Kyle started bombarding me with questions. It was so funny to see them like that. They seems more excited about the whole date than I was. Nah, not possible.

I texted Emy right after I walked Tegan home. I've been informing her the whole time with news about me and Tegan. I had to share it with someone who isn't my mother or brother. And she's my best friend but she still hasn't answered and I feel like I'm going to burst from the joy. Although, I'm still scared that she will change her mind so I try not to be as excited as I actually feel but it's hard. I can't stop smiling and thinking about her. Good thing I'm going to see her in a few minutes on our first period.

Or maybe not.

She didn't come the whole first period and I'm really confused. The bell rings and I immediately get up and hurry to hers and Lindsey's desk where is Lindsey packing her things.

"Hi, Lindsey," I say to get her attention and she looks up,

"Oh. Hey, Sara, what's up?" She asks smiling at me.

"Um, I wanted to ask you if you don't know-"

"Where Tegan is?" She finished for me.

"Yeah."

"She has some English competition thing. She totally forgot about it and Mrs. Hendrix called her yesterday to ask if she was prepared. She had a text written already and she just took a look at some questions from last year and, yeah. She's there now."

"Mhmm… that makes sense."

"What does?"

"That she's there. She's smart."

"Yeah, she is but you seem to distract her," Lindsey smirks.

"What? I don't-what?"

"How was your date?" She asks still smirking.

"Oh, uh… good. It was good," I say trying not to blush.

"Was it? What were you doing?"

"Thank you for the information, Lindsey, I'm going to go now," I start leaving.

"You have nothing to be ashamed of, she loved it."

I stop and turn around. "She did?"

"Totally," she nods. "The competition is in the gallery it should end around four."

I smile brightly. "Thanks, Lindsey."

The rest of the school time I spend imagining already seeing Tegan and creating different scenarios in my mind. In those long seven hours I make up quite a lot various situations but they all end the same way – with Tegan in my arms and her lips on mine.

At last, the final bell rings at three o'clock and I take a bus to the gallery. It's still snowing heavily and everything is covered in a white blanket. There are children playing and throwing snow balls at each other. It makes me think of the time when I was a little kid and spend every free minute out with my friends making snow angels and freezing when the snow got under my clothes.

After twenty minutes the bus arrives to the bus stop. I still have a half an hour till Tegan will come out of the building and an idea pops in my head.

There is a lot of snow on the ground and on the cars around and I start collecting it and building a small snowman.

When I start making the head my phone rings. I wipe my cold wet hands to my jeans and pick up the phone. It's Emy.

"Yup?"

"Spill."

"What?" I ask confused.

"The date, of course! How was it? You wrote me that you kissed her! How was iiiitttttt?"

"Um, yeah… good."

"That's all? Only good? What's wrong with you, Sara? How long have you been in love with that girl?"

"Long time… but, like, I mean…," I sigh. How do I explain this? "Okay. I waited for this like two years or something. The date was awesome we went to the theatre and we had pancakes at Ted's dad's café-"

"You took her to our café?"

"Well, yeah. It's… I mean… I thought it was a great idea…"

"No, it was. It just surprised me. Go on."

"Then we danced and we kissed."

"Well, how was it?"

"Uh…"

"Sara!"

"Stop shouting at me! You know I don't believe in a perfect first kiss. I was excited and scared and we had to find our rhythm but then… Holy shit, Em, when we got used to it… that's a whole another story."

"That's what I was talking about! Don't do this to me I got scared you don't like her anymore."

"That's impossible and you know it."

"…yeah," she chuckles. "So, what are you doing right now?"

"Waiting for her. She's on some competition I want to surprise her."

"Awww, that's sweet. Look how cute you can be."

"Shut up, I'm not cute."

"You totally are."

The gallery's door opens and people start walking out.

"I gotta go, she's coming."

"Kay, good luck!"

I hang up and see Tegan walking out a moment later. When she notices me her eyes go wide and she smiles so brightly I think I might go blind for a moment.

"Sara!" She screams and starts running to me.

I smile and open me arms just in time because a second after she hits me and buries her face in my neck. My heart jumps and quickens its pace.

"What are you doing here?" She asks pulling away.

"I came to ask if you want a company on your walk home?"

"Awww, that's so cute! But how did you know I was here?"

"I'm stalking you."

"Hah. Right. Did Lindsey tell you?"

"No, I'm seriously stalking you."

"Good for me then. I get to have you always by my side."

"Talk about being cute…" I mumble and she smiles that stunning smile of hers and I suddenly feel a big desire to kiss her. I think she sees it on my eyes because she gets all nervous and starts babbling about the competition. Not that I don't care I just really really want to kiss her…

"-and they made me take some smaller kids to this room where they should prepare and they were all so really scared and this one girl wasn't allowed to make notes because her teacher said it's an act of weakness and that she had to remember everything and…" she's talking faster and faster and refuses to look at me and I slowly start stepping closer to her just nodding and smiling widely because she's just so cute when she's nervous. "…and, uh, then it was my turn and this one guy was looking at me the whole time and it creeped me out so I tried not to look at him but it was really hard and the judges looked like they liked it but I don't know we will know the results in a few days and then there was Mary you know Mary right? She was going to school with us she has glasses now and her hair is a lot longer then I remember and-"

"God, you're so cute," I say as I grab the back of her neck and pull her to me.

Aaaaand there go the butterflies. She hums against my lips. God, this is so good… I waited for this whole weekend. Her lips are so soft and shy just like she is.

She takes a handful of my hair and slowly tries to take control. I smile at this cute attempt and just simply let her. We kiss slowly and sweetly and it feels like my heart wants to melt but also jump out of my chest all at once. She suddenly pulls at my hair a little and I lose my balance for quick second. My knees feel weak so I wrap my arms around her waist to support myself. It seems like it fueled her confidence by the way she starts kissing me a little bit harder and faster. She pulls me to her and I pull her to me and our hips meet and I suddenly feel something I should totally not feel right now. I can't get horny I just can't! I don't want to freak her out. I shut my eyes tightly and try to make the feeling go away. When it doesn't I slowly pull away from her and I can hear her disappointed whimper.

I open my eyes and see hers still closed. Her cheeks are pink and she breaths quickly. She's so beautiful. I smile to myself and peck her lips one last time.

"May I walk you home now?"

She opens her eyes and smiles at me.

"You may," she says and takes my hand.


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23**

 **Sara's POV**

I am sitting on my bed just playing some random chords on my guitar when someone knocks on the door.

"Come in," I say putting my guitar down.

Mum's head appears in my room and she smiles at me goofily. The thing I appreciate about my mum the most is not that only she always knocks but she waits till I say she can come in. She respects my privacy and I love her for that. "Guess what I just made?"

"I don't know. What did you just make?"

She opens the door completely and shows me a plate with a piece of chocolate cake. "The amazing chocolate cake!" she pronounces dramatically.

I chuckle. "What is it a new superhero?"

"Do you want it or not?"

"Of course I want it! Don't you dare to take it away from me," I say and extend my arms even though she's still too far away for me to actually reach the cake.

She walks over to me and sits on the bed. I take the plate from her hands and try the first bite of the cake. I moan immediately at the taste.

"God, mum, this is amazing!"

"I know, right?" She laughs and then continues curiously. "It's Friday night why aren't you outside?"

"I don't know."

"Why aren't you with Tegan?"

"I don't want to seem clingy…"

This past week I and Tegan grew pretty close. We were together every day, just talking and getting to know each other and kissing occasionally. Which was pretty awesome. Like so so awesome. Mega awesome. God, I love her… And this is exactly why I want to give her some space. I don't want her to think that I can't survive two seconds without her. I can. It's just hard. I miss her so much already…

"Nonsense. Call her to come over and help us with that cake. It's huge."

"I don't know mum. We were together this whole week I don't want her to feel like obligated to be with me all the time."

"Sara, Tegan is an independent girl. I think that if she didn't want to be with you she wouldn't be. Plus, these are your loneliness socks," she points at my fluffy pink and white striped socks, "you miss her. You can't mess anything up with a phone call. And Kyle and me would like to see her again," she adds playfully.

"Ugh, okay. I'll call her."

"Great!" She kisses my forehead and walks out of my room.

I finish my piece of cake and then take a deep breath. Here we go. I dial Tegan's number and wait.

"Airship rental, Miss Byrnes on the phone. How can I help you?"

"Lindsey?" I ask, confused.

"Miss Quin?"

"Uh, yeah…?"

"Would you like to rent an airship?"

"Lindsey, are you high?"

"No, I'm not in my office right now. Can I help you somehow, Miss Quin?"

"Uh, is Tegan there?"

"Miss Clement is indisposed in the moment. Could I possibly offer you my assistance?"

"Lindsey, what the fuck-?"

I hear the door close in the back of the phone. _"Who's calling?"_ Asks Tegan's voice.

"Let's see," says Lindsey and looks at the screen, I suppose. "It says it's some Sara Sexy-ass Quin and there's a picture of a cupcake-"

 _"_ _Give me the phone!"_ I hear Tegan yell and then there are some fighting noises and Lindsey laughing.

"Um, hi," mumbles Tegan awkwardly.

"My middle name is Kiersten, you know?" I chuckle.

"Uhhh… I'm really embarrassed right now."

"You don't have to be I'm glad you think my ass is sexy."

"Oh, god…"

I laugh. She's so cute. "Come on. I have weird names for people in my phone too."

"Yeah? Like what?"

"'Ew Ew Smelly-feet' is for Emy."

Tegan laughs joyfully and I feel my heart skip a beat. "Why would you call her that?"

"Cuz she's my best friend. And she's Emily 'Emy' Storey so I took her initials and made something fitting."

"Hah. Okay. What do you have for me?"

"Um… Tegan and a smiley face."

"See? I have a very good reason to be embarrassed."

"No! No… I'll rename you right now, okay? To something super weird, like, Tegan Pretty Face Soft Hair Amazing Legs And Stunning Smile Not To Mention Her Hot Butt And Sparkling Eyes Clement."

Once again she laughs that beautiful laugh. "My middle name is Rain."

"Really?"

"Yup."

"I love rain! Uh, I mean, like, when it's raining. You know, like, drops of water falling from the sky and stuff."

"Yes, Sara, I know what rain is," she chuckles. "Anyway, why are you calling?"

"Oh. Right. Well, my mum made this amazing chocolate cake but there is just too much for us to eat and Kyle really wanted to see you. I mean, I did. I really wanted to see you. But Kyle did too."

"Aww, that's so sweet. I'm with Lindsey though…"

"Yeah, I know, it's okay. I just thought I'd ask, you know. It's fine. I'll just have to eat the whole cake alone, I guess."

"Don't you dare to eat the whole cake! You have to leave me a piece. Promise me."

 _"_ _What? What cake?"_

"Hold on a second, Sara." Tegan says and goes to answer Lindsey's question. "Sara's mum made this big chocolate cake and she wanted me to help her with it because she's too weak to handle so much chocolate."

"Hey!" I protest.

 _"_ _You just denied an offer of a chocolate cake? What is wrong with you, Tegan? Give me the phone!"_ I hear moving of the phone from Tegan's to Lindsey's hands. "Hey, Quin, do you know where I live?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. I expect you to be here in 20 minutes with that cake, get it?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Good. See you in 20." She says and hangs up.

I guess I should thank my mum…

After twenty minutes I'm standing in front of Lindsey's house with a half of the cake in a box covered in snow. I myself am covered in snow. The white flakes contrast against my black clothes perfectly in the dim light of the street lamps. I can hear muffled music from the inside of the house and except that it's quiet around me.

I take a deep breath of the early night air and ring at the doorbell.

I stand there a few seconds, kinda shivering from the cold when finally Lindsey opens the door.

"Heyyy, Sara!"

"Miss Byrnes," I nod and try not to smile.

"Ha, ha. Where is the cake?"

"Where is my airship?"

"Upstairs, waiting anxiously for you."

"Did you really just call Tegan an airship?"

"Did I or did you?"

I shake my head and hand her the box. "Here is your cake, now let me in. I'm freezing."

"Airships use hot air I am sure that-"

"Stop referring to Tegan like that." I say as I step in and start removing my shoes. "Please."

"You love her, right?"

My head shoots up. "What?"

"I said-"

"I know what you said but like seriously?"

"Do you?"

"She's upstairs," I say lowering my voice. "She could hear us."

"She won't. Do you love her?"

"If you tell her I swear..."

"I'm not going to tell her anything, don't worry. I just needed to know," she smiles. "I like you Sara."

"It doesn't seem like that." I mumble

Lindsey laughs. "Yeah, well. Whatever. I'm protecting her. Now come help me with the cake." She says and throws her arm around my shoulders.

She serves the cake at three plates while I take down my jacket and beanie. Then I help her get it upstairs to her room.

Lindsey's room is white and simple, her walls covered in photos mostly of her and Tegan and then sunsets and other things that people like to photograph. She has a bunk bed against the left wall and an old couch with an armchair and a coffee table facing the door. We place the plates on a wardrobe with a tv on it next to the door.

On the couch is sitting Tegan who stands up the moment we step into the room.

She looks me up and down and smiles. To be honest I don't know why she's smiling I just have my usual black jeans and a long gray t-shirt with black three-quarters sleeves on. It's boring.

On the other hand, she looks super adorable in a weird outer-space-y tights and a big dark blue sweater with like some sort of white swords on it or something.

I stare at her unsure of what to do and she seems to do the same.

"God, guys, like, go hug each other or something," commands Lindsey with a roll of her eyes.

I smile at Tegan and step closer to her and she copies my actions. I wrap my arms around her waist and she snakes hers around my neck, fingers curling in the hair that are a bit longer than I would like them to be. However, Tegan doesn't seem to mind my obvious need of a haircut as she buries her hands deeper and starts massaging my scalp softly. I moan quietly at the feeling of her fingertips and squeeze her one last time before kissing her cheek gently and pulling away from the warmth of her body.

"Hi," I say.

"Hey," she replies in a whisper and bites her lip.

"Kaay, so who wants the cake?" Asks Lindsey, breaking our staring contest and making us both blush a little.

"I do," Tegan raises her hand and sits back on the couch.

I go get myself and her the plates and then sit beside her. Lindsey goes to sit in the armchair with her own piece of that chocolate goodness.

"Jesus Christ Sara! I swear my taste buds just had an orgasm. Tegan, as my best friend I expect you to break up with Sara right this second and leave her and her mum's amazing skills just to me."

We laugh and Tegan nuzzles to my shoulder, her bent knees resting on my thighs. "No, she's not going anywhere."

Awwww. Tegan you sweet motherfucker. I throw my arm around her shoulders and look seductively at Lindsey. "My mum isn't the only one with amazing skills," I wink at her

"You're gross. She can keep you," says Lindsey and I laugh.

"Good," I and Tegan say in synch and laugh again.

"Twins!" Pronounces Tegan goofily.

I squeeze her and kiss her head. "I really hope we're not."

"Oooh my god, okay, I knew you had to be cute together but this? I think I'll get like sugar attack from so much sweetness," Lindsey's eyes are on us flicking between me and Tegan.

Tegan looks at me and nods. "Yeah. She's quite sweet, isn't she?"

I sit there taken back by the words that just fell out of her mouth. I stare at her in amazement my eyes soft and a little surprised. She stares back lovingly and I feel at loss of words. I can't believe she thinks I'm sweet... I can't believe she's mine. Wait is she mine? I couldn't bare if she was someone else's. She has to be mine I have to make her mine. I never want to be with someone else I want to freeze this moment and just stay like this me looking at her and her looking at me. She's looking at me so gently and adoringly and I just want to tell her that I love her so much I can't take it and I start opening my mouth to tell her but I stop myself the last second, my mouth open, her eyes expecting.

"I... Gotta go to the bathroom."

 **Tegan's POV**

"I... Gotta go to the bathroom," Sara says suddenly and hurries out of the room.

Lindsey looks at me, confused and I shrug. What was that?

Lindsey stands up. "I'm gonna show her where the bathroom is," she says and leaves me alone in her room.

I sigh. I saw something in Sara's eyes moment before she ran off to the bathroom. I don't know what it was I just know I want to see it again. I want to see it always when she looks at me. It was so... Simple. Everything was simple and nothing suddenly mattered when it appeared in Sara's sparkling orbs. It was something like quiet admiration, adoration maybe, I don't know. All I know is that it was the gentlest look I've ever gotten and I felt safe under the intense stare of hers. So I don't understand what happened. I hope she's okay. I hope we're okay.

After about two minutes Lindsey comes back with a smile stretching her lips.

"What happened?"

"Oh, nothing. Want to watch something?"

"Sure!"

Lindsey goes to turn on her tv and stick there her usb. She picks up the tv show we've wanted to watch for a really long time and then turns off the light. She sits down just as Sara comes back to the room. She looks a lot better and sends me a small wink. Small adorable wink that makes my breath stuck in my throat for a second. She comes to sit next to me and takes my hand. She kisses it and then places it in her lap.

"So, what are we watching?"

"What the fuck is this show?" Sara asks after we finish watching the third episode of Orphan Black.

"I have no idea..." I say and turn my head to look at her from the position in her lap. "Want to watch another one?"

"Hell yeah!" She laughs. "Hey Lindsey play the next episode."

When Lindsey doesn't respond I sit up to look at her. She's curled up in the armchair breathing softly her eyes closed.

"How can you fall asleep while watching this? It's psycho... And they're hot."

"It's one actress."

"Shit. It's like a total mind-fuck."

"Yeah," I say and grab the tv remote to play the forth episode. Not a second after I hit play I feel two hands on my hips pulling me back to the laying position. My head falls gently onto Sara's thighs and I giggle.

"That was adorable," she whispers and starts massaging my head gently.

"Mmm, you're adorable. And good with your hands," I joke.

Sara laughs. "You're a bad girl, Tegan Clement."

"Yeah? Punish me then."

Sara's hands stop their movements. I turn to look at her and she is frozen, her eyes glued to the tv screen.

"Are you okay?"

Sara clears her throat. "Yeah just... Don't say things like that okay? It kinda does things to me," she chuckles nervously.

"I'm sorry."

"No, I'm sorry. I don't want you to think that I am just, like, a pack of hormones because I'm not. But I do have hormones and sometimes they just… show. So I deeply apologize for times like that," she smiles.

It's an amazing feeling when you know someone who you like likes you back. But when you know someone who you like wants you also in another way but likes you enough to hold back those feelings to not make you uncomfortable, well, that's a whole other story. And the fact that that someone is Sara makes me dizzy and weak in my knees and I really want to make out with her.

I sit on my knees and take Sara's beautiful face in my hands. She's watching my every movement with her curious eyes hidden under her bangs. "You really need a haircut," I whisper and move the hair out of her eyes. I caress her cheek and glance at her lips. I watch her tongue lick them and suddenly something inside of me urges me to kiss her instantly so I pull her to me quickly and finally my lips meet hers.

We start kissing slowly as we always do. It's light and sweet, unrushed, and it's making my head spin. I know for sure that if I wasn't sitting right now I would collapse. My whole body changes into a jelly when I'm with her like this. Connected by the synchronized dance of our lips. I can't seem to think about anything else than the flip flops that my stomach is doing and the feeling of her expert lips moving against mine. Oh, her lips. I can't even start to explain what they are like, what they feel like when they are like this, pressing softly, directing and dominating my own mouth.

And, suddenly, I don't know what comes into me but I don't want to be the submissive one anymore. I want to show her that I am not as innocent as she thinks I am. I too have hormones.

I push her against the back of the couch and climb onto her lap, straddling it. My hands go to tangle themselves into her longer hair at the back of her head and I press my lips into hers more firmly, moving a bit faster.

A low moan escapes Sara's mouth and gets muffled against mine as I pull on her hair a little. The sound wakes something inside of me and one thought fills my whole body. I have to hear it again. I need to make her moan because of me again. And I think I know how to do it.

Well, maybe I don't know exactly how to do it. I may be driven by my teenage hormones right now but I am still unsure of my actions and anxious of messing this up. This might be our first real making out if I do it right.

You know, the thing is, we haven't french kissed yet. But that's about to change _. Okay, Tegan, stop thinking about how amazing Sara's hands feel on your hips and how you want them somewhere else right now and try to remember how to do this. You watched videos... What did they say? How is it written in those fanfictions?_

It's really hard to think about something in a pleasurable situation like this when your lips are slowly fading into the lips of the girl you like and hers are fading into yours. When you feel her soft hair between your fingers and you can sense one pair of slightly shaking hands holding your sides.

But one feeling is missing. And I can't handle not feeling her tongue any longer.

I slow the kiss and shyly touch her bottom lip with my tongue. I feel her stop for a second and gulp, the grip of her hands on my hips getting stronger. She exhaled through her nose and parts her lips, her warm tongue meeting mine.

And this time it isn't her who moans. The sound that just slipped from my lips surprises me a little but I would be more surprised if it didn't come out because the feeling of her hot, experienced and weirdly soft tongue swirling with mine and her hands moving lower to grip my bum are so intoxicating and magical that anyone who would not let slip any sound out of their mouths would be probably a complete idiot. _Because,_ _god. This feels so good._

I start flicking my tongue against hers and accidentally grind into her a little at what she loses it and lets out a low frustrated growl. I feel all her muscles tighten and her hands griping my butt move up to stroke my back. She slows the kiss and stops it eventually by tugging my bottom lip slightly with her teeth and pulling back completely.

We try to catch our breath for a few moments, just looking at each other red faced and hungry eyed. She continues stroking my back and I refuse to stop playing with her hair.

"You really need a haircut," I say breaking the silence.

She laughs joyfully and loudly, a little too loudly maybe because it makes totally forgotten Lindsey stir in the armchair.

I quickly remove myself from Sara's lap and try to calm my heart down from the strong bumping into my chest.

Lindsey opens her eyes and slowly turns to us.

"You guys look like you just had sex," she says her voice hoarse from the sleep and stretches her arms, "good thing I was sleeping."


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter 24**

 **Tegan's POV**

It's been a week since that night at Lindsey's. We, me and Sara, haven't been together much these days. The school was tough - it was that week when it feels like all teachers got together and decided to punish their students with hundreds of tests. We both have been studying - well, I've been. I've been studying. Sara was probably running and swimming and just doing things she normally does but haven't been doing much since we started dating. She says I distract her. Ha. As if she is the only one distracted. I haven't been able to read one book because she's always on my mind. I can't focus. I'm constantly thinking about her and about me and her and everything we do and everything we could do and everything we didn't do and haven't done yet. I'd like to say that this week without her helped me but I would be lying. I couldn't stop missing her. So when she stopped me today before English class, told me to meet her in the park after school and lightly touched my hand I almost burst from joy.

Have I never thought it was possible for me to depend on someone so much. Have I never thought that someone would be Sara. Have I never thought I would be so happy to depend on her.

 **Sara's POV**

I'm sitting (more like swinging, hard) on one of the swings in the park and waiting for Tegan to show up. There is snow everywhere and it's cold and I love it. Like a lot. The only thing missing is coffee and this would be perfect. Well, and Tegan. Tegan is missing. But my heart is always missing her so I don't find it necessary to always say it. No, I do actually. I fucking miss her! I miss her all the time and I think I'll go crazy! I've never felt this so strongly. I'm completely addicted. I don't like it.

I like to think I'm independent and that I don't need anyone but myself and she's ruining it. I mean, I'm not complaining. I mean, I am complaining but, like... Ugh! It's so hard to put words together the right way so they make sense but, like, how am I supposed to fucking do that when even my thoughts and my feelings don't make sense? I don't think people understand how stressful it is to explain what's going on in your head when you don't even understand it yourself.

I understand I'm in love with her. But I've been in love few times already and it never felt like this, I've never had the feeling of complete, like, I don't know, devotion. Wow, where did that word come from? Tegan may have a good effect on me after all.

"Hey, woah! Sara, you're high!" Tegan's shout pulls me out of my thoughts and I snap open my eyes which I haven't realized were closed. Another thing I haven't realized is that I really am swinging fucking high.

I drop my leg down so it's touching the ground every time I swing around it. When it slows down I jump off the swing and hug Tegan tightly which surprises her and she lets out this cute high squeak that makes me laugh a little which makes her laugh which makes my heart melt and sigh softly. She relaxes eventually and let's out her own sigh.

"I missed you," she whispers.

I take a deep breath to take in the scent of her hair that's poking out of her beanie and whisper back. "I missed you too. So much."

She buries her face into my neck and kisses it lightly which causes a shiver run down my spine. She can't do things like this! Gentle affections... It makes me fall in love with her more and more.

I think we stay there standing and hugging each other for at least 5 minutes before Tegan pulls away.

"I'm cold," she says and gives me puppy eyes.

I chuckle. She's so adorable! "Awww, stop looking at me like that and come here, I'll warm you," I smile and throw my left arm around her shoulders. She immediately puts her right arm around my waist. It may seem a little weird because she's a bit taller than me but it feels right like this. So very right.

"I'm sorry we couldn't be together much this week," Tegan says after a while of walking around the park.

"It's okay, I understand that school is important to you. I know I'm taking a lot of your free time and that probably affects your school work. I just can't help myself."

"It's not your fault. It's not like I don't want to be with you every second of my free time it's only that I can't. Grades mean a lot to me."

"I know! You don't have to explain yourself, Tegan, I know. It would be stupid to think you will give up on everything just to be with me all the time. It's the same with me. I mean, right now, I probably would give up on everything but after some time we would most likely get tired of being with each other all the time," I say, trying to think rationally, saying things how they are and not how I see them right now. I can't become so absorbed by the love I feel for her. Truth is, if she asked me, I would leave everything this moment and run away with her somewhere, anywhere, where we would be alone. And that scares me.

"I would never get tired of you," Tegan mumbles. I stop abruptly, reconsidering that runaway option. I mean, after all, who the fuck am I trying to fool? I would never get tired of being with her, I would never get tired of seeing her face or hearing her voice or kissing her lips. I would never get tired of loving her.

"What's wrong?" Tegan looks at me curiously and I want to tell her all those things, I want to tell her that I love her and that I want to go away with her and that I want to wake up to her closed eyes every morning but I stop myself. It would ruin everything. It's not the right time yet. She doesn't feel the same yet. So instead of risking everything what I waited for so long I shake my head, smile, touch her cheek and lean into her. She follows my lead and catches my bottom lip between hers. Oh, how I missed the feeling of her lips. We don't kiss long and we don't kiss passionately, we don't even move our lips, really, but it's enough. It feels amazing and it feels lovely and it feels right. Her hands are resting on my sides mine are caressing her cheeks and I just feel so happy. I smile into the kiss and pull away still smiling like an idiot. Tegan has her own dreamy smile plastered on her face. She rests her forehead against mine and sighs happily.

"I missed this," she says.

"Yeah. Me too," I smile, "come on, I wanted to ask you something."

We pull away from each other and start walking again.

"What?" Tegan asks.

"Well," I start and intertwine our fingers, "do you remember Nikki? From my birthday party? I mean, I know you don't remember much but..."

"Shut up, I remember everything!" Tegan protests and I laugh.

"Sure, so, do you remember her?"

"Yes, short hair, right?"

"Teegs, like, every girl there had short hair, we're lesbians, duh."

"I thought you didn't like stereotypes?"

"This isn't even a stereotype," I chuckle.

"Okay, get to the point!"

"Yeah, right, so, like, every two months or so Nikki organizes this meeting of friends who aren't together very much and she wants you to come this time with me."

"What?"

"It's tomorrow. 30 minutes by bus from here. Do you want to come?"

"Um... Who will be there?"

"Well, Nikki, me, my friends... Some people from the party, I guess."

"Do you think they... Would want me there?" Tegan asks insecurely, eyes on the ground.

"Oh, sweetie, of course they would! They are dying to meet you and get to know you. You don't have to be shy," I lift her chin, "I will be there the whole time with you," I smile reassuringly.

She smiles shyly. "Did you just call me sweetie?"

"Hah. Yeah. I guess I did," I blush, "is.. is that okay?"

"Of course it's okay, sweetie," she teases.

"Ughh, you're mean, I don't like you anymore," I growl playfully never letting go of her hand.

"Really, sweetie? Really really?"

"Ughhhhhhh!" How does she know just what to say? I hate her so much. Hashtag opposite day. "Will you come or not?"

She giggles. "Probably. I'll ask my parents and I'll call you. Will we sleep there or...?"

"I usually sleep there, yes, but we can come back if you want."

"Where would we sleep?"

"Nikki has a big house, she will insist that we stay but remember that we don't have to, if you will feel uncomfortable we can leave whenever."

"Why would I feel uncomfortable?"

"Well, um, the place is a gay bar. Lot of girls will be hitting on you."

"Oh. But... You will be there to send them away, right?" She asks looking at me with those big beautiful brown eyes.

I smile and nod. "Or course."

"Then I won't feel uncomfortable," Tegan states and kisses my cheek. I smile like an idiot, again, and look down.

"You are so cute when you're shy like that," I can hear the smile in Tegan's voice as she starts swinging our hands in the space between us.

"Shut up, I'm not cute."

"Oh, you have no idea..."

"You have so many friends..." Tegan says quietly to me after I introduce her to everyone in the club.

"Naah. I don't even know some of them so well."

"But still. I've always thought I have many friends but now as I think about it... I can hold a conversation with almost every single one of my classmates but the true friends? I have only, like, three."

"Aww, Teegs, come on," I say caressing her cheek. "Don't say things like that."

"No, I'm serious. I have three friends."

"Okay, who are your three friends?"

"Well, Lindsey, obviously. Then it's Hayley, we're a year above her, and Jeremy. I think you have... Biology? with him."

"You don't consider me your friend?" I ask, pouting at her.

Tegan looks down and goes to hold my hand. She then looks at me with a small smile. "I consider you more."

 **Tegan's POV**

The "party" is going pretty well I'd say. Most of the people are drunkenly dancing or talking loudly. I have found out that Sara's friend are very smart and intelligent people. Mostly well-read, artistic, with this big passion for justice and feminism. I've had a few really good conversations. Then Nikki came and made me drink two beers. So right now I'm a bit tipsy, sitting at the bar next to kissing Emy and Sarah, trying to keep my eyes away from them and battling with my horny self against following Sara to the toilet and making out with her. It's a tough battle, I tell you.

I'm drinking my third beer when suddenly a girl sits next to me and orders herself a beer. By the way she ordered it I can assume it won't be her first one. She has wavy brown hair reaching a little past her shoulders and short bangs. Her mascara is a bit smudged under her half closed eyes. She's wearing high-waist pants and a white sleeveless blouse tucked in them. From the first glance I would never say she is into girls but Sara's friends said the same thing about me.

She takes a sip from her beer and looks at me. "You know," she slurs and eyes me up and down, "if you weren't straight I would totally ask you out."

I chuckle at this. "And I would totally say yes," I say and lean closer to her, "if I didn't have a girlfriend."

As I say this and her eyes go wide I feel someone's arms hug me around my shoulders from behind. "Hey, babe," that someone says which makes me smile immediately and I turn around to see smiling Sara. She pecks me on the lips lightly before asking if I want to dance. I nod quickly and stand up. Sara notices my still half full bottle of beer sitting on the bar and takes a big gulp of it. Then she notices the girl who's been hitting on me just moments ago. "Oh. Hey, Stacy."

"Sara," the girl, Stacy, nods at her.

"Nice to see you."

"Yeah. You too," she mumbles and goes back to her own beer.

Sara takes my hand and walks me to the dance floor.

"Who was that?" I ask her.

"Who, her? That was Stacy."

"And...? She acted weird around you."

"Yeah, um... I may have broken her heart in the summer..."

"What? Sara!"

"Hey, it wasn't my fault! Rachel introduced us at one party and we ended making out. It meant nothing to me but apparently it did mean something to her. Long story short after few more parties like that she told me she wanted something more and I told her I didn't. That's all, no big deal."

I nod. Sara is right. It wasn't her fault that she wasn't interested in Stacy.

"But..." she smirks, "girlfriend, huh?"

I blush hard. We haven't had the girlfriend talk yet. It's obvious we like each other and we were on a few dates. I'm here with her right now meeting her friends. I mean, basically, we are girlfriends we just haven't told it to each other yet. "Um... It was... easier to say that..."

Sara laughs. "Yeah, that's true. I've been meaning to ask you this for some time and I know this isn't the most romantic place to do it but since you started it... Do you want to be my girlfriend?" Sara asks a little shyly.

"Only if you want to be mine," I say smiling.

"Duh!" Sara laughs and I laugh with her. This is it. It's official. I have a girlfriend. Sara is my girlfriend.

I grab the back of her head and smack our lips together. I know this isn't the dreamy situation. Dancing and making out in a gay bar full of sweaty bodies after she asked me to be her girlfriend in the very same place. But I don't care. I don't care as long as I am with her. I don't care as long as I am hers and she is mine. God. Sara is mine...

 **Sara's POV**

Tegan pins me up against the door of Nikki's guest room she just closed and starts kissing me hungrily. I am kinda little very drunk and by the way I feel everything down there twitching and the way I'm kissing her back it's safe to say that I'm also very horny. This will be hard. Haha. It sure would be hard if there actually was something that could get hard. Oh my god, imagine me with a penis!

I break the kiss because of my thoughts and laugh they caused. I laugh hard. Why the fuck I'm laughing, I don't know, it's not even funny, it's gross but I can't help myself and I laugh and laugh and laugh.

I look at Tegan through the tears in my eyes. She is blurry and her red face is confused but soon she starts laughing too which makes me laugh even harder. How I love to be drunk.

"Why're we laughin'?" Tegan asks and sways drunkenly to the right.

"I just thought 'bout my penis," I laugh again.

Tegan looks at me with wide eyes. "You 'ave a penis?" She asks and trips over to me. Suddenly, I feel her hand cupping my crotch.

I gulp. "No..." Keep your shit together! Don't move against her, don't move against her. Don't. Move. Against. Her. Fuck, I just moved against her.

I collect everything I have in myself to grab her hand and move it away. She looks at me questioningly and I take a deep breath to calm myself.

"It's pretty late," I try articulate clearly to convince myself that I'm not as drunk as I actually am and that I have it in me to be level-headed. "We should go to bed."

Tegan smirks. "I totly agree," she nods her head and tries to kiss me.

"Tegan. Teegs. Hey. I'm horny as fuck. If you keep doin' these things you're doing it won't be good. I love y-what you.. can.. do but no. No."

"But 'm ready."

"Horny's not ready. Drunk's not ready. 'n I can't believe what I'm gonna say but I'm not gonna have sex with you. Now change," I motion drunkenly to her clothes. She begins removing her T-shirt but it gets stuck.

"Help!" She calls, giggling.

"Do ya gotta be s'cute?" I go to help her get off that tee and try not to look at her beautiful chest covered in a black bra. I gulp. Not only cute. Hot.

I go to her backpack to find something she can sleep in. I find a T-shirt and tights. Well fuck. It won't be easy to get into tights in her condition.

When I turn around I see Tegan laying on the twin bed in her bra and jeans under her ass. I sigh and help her get rid of her pants too. Then I somehow manage to get her dressed. When I change into my own PJs I go to lay down and cover us both with the blanket.

"The world is spinning," Tegan says, looking at me with half opened eyes.

"It's the alcohol it's normal," I smile and hold her hand under the covers.

She shakes her head lightly, already falling asleep. "It's not the alcohol but I'm used to it..." She whispers and I think she fell asleep because she's quiet for a long time but then she mumbles something.

"What?" I ask.

"'s like that 'very time I'm with you..."


	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter 25**

 **Sara's POV**

"Uhh.. what the..OW, FUCK MY HEAD!" Tegan's cry pulls me out of sleep. I snap my eyes open and look at her whimpering form, her face scrunched in pain.

"What's wrong?" I ask in a slight panic and touch her cheek.

"My head... It hurrrrts!"

I try to suppress a chuckle. "Oooh, honey. I'm so sorry... Must be pretty bad, I haven't heard you swear once."

"Yeah, you did. When Christina kissed you. I called her a bitch."

"She is a bitch, so..."

"Ughhhh!" Tegan rolls over and pushes her face into the pillow. "I'm never drinking again."

"You said the same thing last time and look how it ended," I laugh.

"That's your fault. Why haven't you stopped me?"

"If you really didn't want to drink you wouldn't."

"You have such a bad influence on me."

"Hey!"

Tegan whimpers. "Please, don't shout..."

"Sorry," I whisper and kiss her forehead. "Try to go back to sleep, it's still early. I'll go to get you some aspirin, okay?"

Tegan nods and mumbles a little 'thanks'. Her small voice makes my heart crack a little.

I go downstairs to the kitchen and find Nikki at the table already up and drinking coffee.

"You look horrible," I say to her and go to pour myself a cup of the black hot liquid.

"Full of charm and giving out compliments as always. Good morning to you too," Nikki says in a monotone voice.

"And in a bad mood," I point out with a smile as I lean against the counter.

"You had to have a very good night if you're not shit-faced like the rest of us," she smirks and takes a sip of her coffee.

"No, I didn't have sex in your house, actually," even though I could have. God, I hope Tegan doesn't remember it, she would be so embarrassed.

"What? You? YOU didn't have sex after getting yourself and your lovely and hot girlfriend drunk? Who are you even?"

I chuckle. "I'm Sara Quin and I actually have respect for girls, ya know?"

"Since when?"

"Hey!"

"No, really, Sara. What happened with you? You always hit that shit as soon as possible."

"Well, not this time," I say slightly irritated. She makes me sound like some perverted creep who doesn't care about anything just sex. I'm not like that. It's true that I love to have sex but it's not like I only want that. With Emy it was quick, yes. I guess with the other ones too. But those were coincidences if they wanted to wait I would. But this time I'm also the one who wants to wait. I don't want to fuck this up. I want our first time to be perfect and special. I want her to always look back at it and smile. I want her to remember it as if it was the best moment of her life and there was nothing in the world that could change it. And maybe I'm selfish. Maybe I want to be her first and last and maybe I want to be the one to look at that moment after 20 years and feel my chest explode in happiness. That's why I didn't let it happen last night. I know she didn't really want to do it. She was just horny and drunk and there is no way I would have sex with her like that. "Where do you keep aspirin?"

"So you feel shitty after all!" Nikki brightens up.

"No, it's for my lovely and hot girlfriend. It was only her second time."

"How old is she?"

"Seventeen."

"And when was the first time she drank?"

"Um, my birthday, obviously."

"God, you're such a bad influence! But also who the fuck drinks for the first time in seventeen years old?"

"Not everyone is so fucked up as us."

"True but still."

"Whatevs, where's the aspirin, dude? And tea?"

"You already have coffee, idiot."

"It's for Tegan, Nikki."

She smirks. "Of course it is."

"What took you so long?" Tegan asks and reaches for the tea and aspirin in my hands. "I'm dying over here..."

I roll my eyes and sit beside her. "Honey, I know you feel awful I don't feel good either but you don't have to be an ass about it."

Tegan rolls over to look at me. "I'm sorry," she says with apologetic eyes. She's really pale but still manages to look beautiful.

"'s okay," I smile and lean down to kiss her head. "How's your stomach? Want to puke?"

"No... At least I hope not... I don't want you to see me in that state again."

"Why not?" I ask running a thumb over her hand.

"It's disgusting. I don't want you to think that I'm disgusting. What if you won't like me anymore?" She pouts.

"Awww, Teegs. That's a total bullshit. Do you really think I would not like you after seeing you puke?"

Tegan shrugs.

"Babe. Seriously? And what if you're sick and you puke? Do you really think I wouldn't want to take care of you no matter what? And there is no way that anything would make my feelings for you go away. Anything. Isn't it obvious to you how much you mean to me by now?" I ask in a whisper.

Tegan looks down. "I guess..." She mumbles.

"You guess?"

"No, I mean..." She sighs and thinks for a minute. "It's that... You mean so much to me and I just... I don't want to lose you when you realize that I'm nothing near perfect. I can't even level with you."

"Oh, Tegan..." Does she really think that? That I'm so shallow? I don't care about her flaws, Jesus Christ, she's only human. No human is perfect.

I lay down next to her and hug her to me. "Tegan, I don't think you're perfect."

"Great..."

"No, no, listen. I get it. I understand that you're afraid because I'm afraid too-"

"Why would you be afraid? You're freaking perfect! And you would be perfect for everybody else too so I don't understand why you want to be with me when-"

"Hey! Hey! Shut up! Just shut your mouth for a minute, okay? You are perfect to me! You are. Okay? You are."

"You've just said that I'm not perfect."

"Yeah. I know. That's true. Listen. You're not perfect because nobody's perfect. It's fucking stupid to think that anyone would be perfect because that's bullshit. It's normal to have flaws it's the most normal and natural thing possible. I know that you think I'm flawless now because we've just started dating and it's always like that. You always glamorize the people you are with but after some time you will see everything bad and annoying that I have in me. And we will fall in love. And I think that love is when we stop imagining how the person in front of our eyes could be and we truly look at them, we open those eyes and we actually see their flaws. And we learn to accept those flaws. We won't love them despite their flaws but because of what the flaws make them. They make them human, Tegan. You and I are humans we are normal ordinary imperfect people and you have to accept that. I'm not that perfect character from the books you read. I'm real. And nothing real is ideal. Tegan, I've liked you for a very long time. I've tried not to like you. I've tried to find everything bad that is in you so I could stop liking you and I've noticed things and bad habits and that still haven't made my feelings go away. And I hope when you see the real me yours feelings won't go away either because I think that... I think that we are good for each other."

Tegan's looking at me with an expression I can't read. Her lower lip is in her mouth, her eyes wide open with something warm and surprised in them. She looks as if she's thinking really hard about what I've just said. I admit I got a bit carried away but I hope she doesn't mind. I just couldn't let her think that she's not good enough for me. She's more than that. A lot more than that.

Suddenly a tear falls out of her eye and she smiles a small closed mouth smile. She reaches her hand to my face and cups my cheek. Her eyes are on mine looking directly to my soul.

Tegan takes a deep breath and then lets the whispered words come out of her mouth. "How dare you say you're not perfect?" She asks shaking her head. "Do you even listen to the things you say? Do you ever stop and think about the ideas in your head? Sara, I think you have a beautiful mind. And a beautiful heart. And you're saying they're not perfect but I think they're damn close to that. And all I know is that when I'm with you I feel my mind wanting to form words that could tell how amazing I truly think you are and my heart wanting to jump out so yours can slip into my chest where I could protect its beauty and call it mine."

"It is. It is yours. It always has been," my voice cracks because of all the emotions her words caused. I can't believe she feels that. I can't believe she feels the same things I do. "It's taken."

"If you're taken I am yours," she whispers, tracing my right collarbone and I feel like I'm gonna remember this moment for the rest of my life. I don't know what it is about it but it feels special. "I'm yours, right?"

I smile with tears in my eyes. "Yes. Yes, you are." She's mine.

 **Tegan's POV**

"Okay. Bye," Sara smiles and hugs me one last time before leaving me outside my house. I stare at her butt as she's walking away - it looks so good in her tight jeans. How could I ever think I was straight?

I chuckle and shake my head with a sigh. I'm so happy. My head still hurts pretty badly and I don't think I will be able to eat anything for a week but I'm happy. We finally made it official. And she had that talk about how all people have flaws and how we will fall in love because we are good for each other and even though she said I'm not perfect because nobody is she still made me feel as if she actually thought I was perfect. I know it will take a little time to fall in love with her. She's... She's unlike anybody I know. She's just... There is no word to describe her now that we said nobody's perfect. How could she have such beautiful thoughts inside of her? I've always knew she was intelligent but she never acts like it. And this? Wow. She really must be super smart. And she must have a big heart which I hope will love me someday. I already know how much she cares about me but I just can't wait to be in love with her and for her to be in love with me. I feel like a whole new person with her. I don't even have those sexuality problems. She's helping me so much and she doesn't even know...

I take a breath and turn around to unlock the front door. It's Sunday afternoon and I'm sure that my parents and Jessie are home. I hope they won't make me talk much I'm afraid that they will know I was drinking yesterday. What if I smell like alcohol? What if I talk weirdly? They've been drunk they know how drunk people are acting. _Oh god, oh god, I'm so nervous_. _Take a deep breath, Tegan, it's okay, they won't know. You are sober now. Just say hi to them and go to your room._ This will be a disaster.

I collect all my courage and step to the house. I undress from my coat and take off my boots. I hear the TV from living room so I head there.

"Hi," I say to my parents who are sitting on the couch and smile at them.

"Hi, Tegan," my mum says in a weird voice and looks at me with stern eyes. I feel my heart start beating rapidly.

"We'd like to talk to you," dad says.

I gulp and feel sweat on my forehead. _Play it cool!_ "I'll just, uh, go to shower and I'll come."

They nod and I literally run upstairs to my room. _No, no, no, no…_


	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter 26**

 **Tegan's POV**

"Come on, Tegan, you can't be there forever! We're waiting for you and it's better if you come out now," my mum knocks on the bathroom door. The words 'come out' make my already crazy beating heart beat even faster and the dried sweat to start creating again. I shut off the shower which have been running the whole time without me there. I couldn't bring myself to do anything else than calm myself. _Come on, Tegan. You can do it. You can do it. Take a deep breath. It can't be that bad, they can't know about Sara. There is no way they know about Sara. I must have done something else. Maybe I forgot to unload the dishwasher again or I didn't clean my room and they are mad as usual. It must be it. It has to be it. I never clean my room. It's the room, it has to be the-_

"Tegan!" My dad shouts from downstairs. I don't like it when he shouts. He is a good man and an amazing dad but he's scary when he's angry.

I open the door and head downstairs. "I'm coming," I hear my shaking voice say. Goddammit, Tegan, stop shaking!

I step to the living room and try to keep my head up. Don't show them you are afraid, it will be worse.

"Yes?" I ask, trying to sound confident.

"Come here," my dad says sternly, "what is this?"

He shows me some paper.

"Um, I don't know... A.. paper?"

"Paper? I'll tell you what paper this is. It's your phone bill. And you know what it says? That the last two weeks you've been texting nonstop. You are always on that phone! Do you want us to take it from you? When was the last time you read something? Huh? Answer!"

"Uh... I...," I stutter looking to ground.

"Look at me while you're talking! And tell me when was the last time you read something."

I look at him, straight in the eye and even though it's so scary, the look in his eyes, I keep the eye contact as I answer him. "I've read a biography of Edith Piaf few weeks ago and I've been meaning to read-"

"You've been meaning to read? You never mean to read, you always just read! What happened? What destroyed your plans, huh?"

"Uh, I was - there was, um... I've been studying for, uh, tests. There have been plenty of them..."

"So you were studying..."

"Yes."

"So you haven't been texting to one number all day and all night."

"Uh-"

"So you haven't been out all the time hanging around with who knows who."

"I-"

"So you-wait," my dad stops and takes a breath, "what is that smell?" He asks and steps closer to me. "You've been drinking."

"Um, no."

"I smell alcohol from you!"

 _How could that be? I brushed my teeth, I took a shower at Nikki's, I... Oh. No. I remember. Someone spilled something all over my jeans and a t-shirt... No. No, this can't be happening._

"Tegan, have you been drinking?" My mum asks in a little softer voice than my dad is using.

"Um..."

"Tegan, it'll be better if you tell us the truth," I hear mum's sterner voice. My eyes are on the floor. This can't be happening.

"Yes."

"Tegan Rain-" my dad starts shouting.

"It was just a beer or two! It-it wasn't much. Someone spilled something on me, I swear-"

"How old are you?" Dad whispers. Oh, no. Dad's whisper is the worst. I just look at him with my face full of fear. "I asked something. How old are you?"

"Seventeen," I mumble.

"Seventeen. SEVENTEEN! YOU ARE SEVENTEEN!"

"I-"

"It's illegal for you to drink! Why the hell have you even been drinking? It's Sara, right? She made you drink," he turns to mum, "I told you she was a bad influence."

"Sara's not a bad influence!"

"How dare you raise your voice at me? She's the one you're always texting, am I right? Am I right?!"

"It's... It's Lindsey too..."

"I know Lindsey's number, it's not there as much as the other one," mum says. "Is it Sara?"

I stay silent.

"First you shout at me and now you have nothing to say?!"

"I didn't shout," I mumble.

"What?!"

"I didn't shout," I say louder.

"Don't answer back. God, Tegan! She is a lesbian!"

Now I am mad. "What do you have against homosexuals?"

"What?"

"I asked what do you have against homosexuals? So what if she's a lesbian? Firstly, she's a person. It's like you would say 'oh my god, don't be friends with Lindsey, she's a Christian!'. So what if she likes girls, it's not her fault and it's not bad."

"I'm not saying homosexuals are bad. I'm saying Sara is a bad influence."

"But she's not!"

"You don't read! You're on your mobile all day! Have you seen those numbers at the bill?! It's tucking high price!"

"I'm sorry! I will pay for it! But don't say she's a bad influence! She's the most amazing and the smartest person I've ever met. And I'm not on my mobile all the time!"

 _Beep, beep._

 _No._

My phone beeped. I have a message. The best timing...

My dad looks at me with the angriest look I've ever seen.

"Give it to me."

I stay still.

"I said give it to me!"

I shake my head.

"Tegan, I will say this one last time. Give. Me. The. Fucking. Phone."

I reach to my pocket. My hands are shaking. I hand him my phone with a silent pray it is just my operator.

By the look on his face it's not.

"What is this?! For fuck's sake, what is this?! 'I miss you already, girlfriend' and a fucking wink! Tegan?!"

 _No. Nonononononononononononononono. Please, god, no. No. Please. This can't be happening. This isn't real. They weren't supposed to find out like this. I wasn't supposed to come out like this. This should have been different!_

"Tegan? Are you and Sara dating?" My mum asks lowly. Quietly.

I nod my head.

"How long?"

"It-um... It's official since, uh, yesterday."

"And how long it's been unofficial?"

"I don't know... Two weeks? Three?"

"Mhm. How are you dating?"

"Excuse me?"

"How? I mean what are you doing? You know, it's normal to hold hands with your friend or be confused if she's been hitting on you-"

"What? Do you think I'm confused?"

"Tegan, you are seventeen. It's natural to, uh, explore things..."

"Are you calling Sara a thing? She is a person and I'm not confused. I know what I want."

"So what now, are you, like, gay?" My dad finally speaks, still in shock.

"Um... I'm not sure. I might be bisexual? But it's not important-"

"And what is important, Tegan?" Mum asks.

"She is."

"Are you two... in love?"

I'm speechless for a moment. It's been three weeks. It's too soon to be in love. I don't know what it is that I'm feeling. It's strong and I know I want to be with her all the time, possibly forever. But I can't tell her that nor my parents.

"Um... No."

"Than how can she be important?"

"Are you kidding me? You don't have to be in love with the person that is important to you. And it's ridiculous to expect from me to be in love after liking someone for three weeks. How can she be important? God... Because she's just wonderful and-"

"Have she made you do something? Have she used you?" My dad blurts out.

"What? No! No! Of course not, no! She would never do something like that! She... She haven't even started this, actually. It was me. Kinda."

My parents are standing in front of me, looking at me. Quietly. I would do anything for them to speak now. Please, say something. Mum? Dad? Please. Just... Accept me.

Suddenly I hear baby's cry and all of our heads snap to the direction of the sound.

Mum sighs. "We'll talk later. Now go to your room."

I nod. Dad says nothing. Mum goes upstairs.

"Can I, uh, get my phone back?" I ask quietly.

Dad looks at me and then at the mobile in his hand. He goes to me and hands me my Blackberry. "We will talk, like mum said. About the bill and about, um... This."

I nod and go to my room.

'My parents found out' I type the text which I send to Sara.

They know.


	27. Chapter 27

**Chapter 27**

 **Sara's POV**

I leave my phone in my room after texting Tegan and go down to have an endless talk with my mum and Kyle. I love them, I really do, but I am not so comfortable with sharing my happiness over my new official girlfriend with them... It's great that they care and stuff it's just... Overwhelming and weird sometimes.

Like this time.

The good thing is that mum made something to eat. And coffee. _Yes, coffee. I love you mum, you can ask anything you want about my love life now._

And she did. I think I've been down there answering their questions and discussing my relationship for about two hours. I'm really tired. My head doesn't hurt anymore but I still feel weak and not like me. And the nonstop talking about Tegan made me miss her even more.

Tegan. I wonder if she answered my text. I use the last strength I have in myself to climb the stairs and fall on my bed. How fucking I love this bed! It's the best thing in the world like I have a small room and this bed takes over like half of it. And that's rad.

I snuggle to the sheets and blankets and, oh, god, my pillows. I could fall asleep right this very second...

Suddenly my phone buzzes.

"Ughh," I roll over and take it off my night stand. I have two new text messages - one from Emy and one from Tegan.

I smile and go to answer Emy's creepy pervert text asking if I got lucky this night. I roll my eyes and write her back saying I did actually because Tegan and I became official but no, no sex happened, I don't understand why is everybody so obsessed with it. Or with me having it. Or rather not having it. Ugh.

Then I go to see what my sweet girlfriend wrote. I still can't get over it, I can't bel-

What?

'My parents found out'

 _What.. how could they find out? What did they… It can't-they can't... How would they know about us? It.. this.. what?_

I immediately call her but she hangs up. What the fuck is happening.

'What's wrong? Pick it up please...'

'Can't' is all she writes after a few minutes.

'What do you mean you can't? Tegan what's happening? What they found out? Are you alright?'

I start walking around the room. _What happened? Why isn't she answering? Ugh! I'm going there, I have to go there, I have to see her. No, that's stupid. But I need to! I need to know she's alright..._

I don't bother changing from my sweatpants and old t-shirt and head downstairs. I grab my jacket and put my boots on.

"Where are you going?" Kyle suddenly appears behind me.

"Nowhere."

"Mum? Sara's going out!"

I turn to face him. "Did you really have to?" I whisper and he shrugs.

"Where are you going, honey?" Mum asks as she steps to the hall.

"Out. Something happened," I answer nervously stepping from one foot to the other.

"What happened?"

"I don't know! Something. I have to go!"

"Something with Tegan?"

"Yes, mum, something with Tegan. With who else? Jesus..."

"Don't talk to me like that or you won't go anywhere."

 _Ughhh!_

"I'm sorry. Can I please go now? Please?" I say giving her my best puppy eyes.

She sighs and waves her hand. "Go."

I kiss her cheek quickly. "Thanks!" And with that I'm out.

Snow everywhere, it would be stupid to take a bike. I consider it for a second but then I shake my head and start running in the direction of Tegan's house. This is probably a dumb idea. I don't even know what happened and if Tegan wants to see me or if her parents even let me talk to her. Where will I wait? How will I let Tegan know I'm here? And what if they don't want me here?

I stop in front of Tegan's house behind some bushes. _This was a stupid idea. Yup._

I check my phone to see if Tegan hasn't replied. She has with a simple 'No'. My heart sinks. She's not okay. I really need to know what happened. Why is she replying with such short messages?

'I'm outside what should I do?'

Reply comes after a while: 'Wait'.

And so I wait. And I wait long. Thirty-two minutes to be exact. And after those endless thirty-two minutes, frozen feet and fingers, my phone finally buzzes.

'Come to the back garden my window and be careful my parents cannot see you... They're in the living room'

I send her a quick 'k' and sneak to the back. I feel like Troy in High school musical right now in the backyard of the girl I love. Except Tegan doesn't have a big balcony and even though there is a tree in front of her window it can't be climbed. I mean it could be I guess but I'm too weak for that. And it's fucking cold my fingers aren't even working. And the tree is covered in snow.

I sigh. No romantic singing or pizza eating in my girlfriend's bedroom today. Or strawberries in chocolate...

 _Ugh, hsm songs are playing in my head, stop! This isn't the right time for that! But... We gotta work work work this out seriously what the fuck is wrong with me? I guess the real me is breaking free.. right here and right now.. cuz it's now or never.. this is so bad I'm gonna scream.. you can bet on it._

 _Really. What. The. Hell._

Just as I start rethinking my whole existence Tegan's window opens. I look up and see her. My love. My poor beautiful Tegan with red eyes and running nose, hair everywhere sticking to her face. My knees sap. My throat tightens. My fists clench. Who did this to her? I'm gonna kill them. I swear they're not gonna see the sun again.

"Tee..." my voice breaks. "What happened?"

She shrugs then opens her mouth after a while just to close it again because of the sob that suddenly comes out and she breaks down crying. _No. No. No!_

"Tee, shh, it's-it's gonna be alright. I promise. We will figure it out. Please don't cry. Baby don't," my voice fails me. _Shit, Sara, pull yourself together!_ "What should I do? Tegan tell me what to do and I'll do it right this second just-just tell me, okay? I'll make if better, I'll make you better, just.. just.. please do-"

The front door shuts all of sudden and I throw myself behind the tree. _Please, don't go here, please, don't go here..._

I hear engine start and the car pulls off the driveway and leaves. I look up to Tegan's window and throw her a questioning look. It looks like the car scared and surprised her so much that she forgot she was supposed to be crying.

"That," Tegan clears her throat after the word comes out in a raspy tone, "that was dad, I don't know where he went though..."

I nod. "Where is your mum?"

"Still in the living room, I guess."

"Hmm.. is there a way that could possibly get me in? I mean I could go through this door," I point to the back door just under Tegan's window, "I just need to distract your mum somehow."

We think for a moment and then I slap my forehead.

"Tegan, the easiest way! I did it all the time when I was a kid. Ring on someone's door and run! Are this door opened?"

"Yeah..."

I nod and think about my plan for a few seconds. "Okay. I'm gonna untie my shoes and ring the doorbell. Then I'll run over here, take off my shoes and quietly but quickly get to your room. Sounds good? You could maybe, I don't know, go to the bathroom so if your mum hears footsteps she thinks it's you. Okay?"

"Okay."

I smile at Tegan a little and take a deep breath. Then I nod and start walking to the front door.

I get to the front door. _It's now or ne-ver FUCKING FUCK STOP ALREADY!_ I ring the doorbell quickly before I have the time to rethink it and start running back to the back yard. My heart is beating so hard and fast and my breath quickens too. I really hope I won't get asthma attack that would be fucked up.

I get to the back door and take off my shoes really quickly and then carefully open the door. I tip toe through the kitchen and see Tegan's mum just opening the front door. She looks to the left then to the right, shrugs and shuts the door. As she gets away from my view I tip toe to the hall from around the living room and call Tegan who hangs up and opens the door of her room and little louder than normal starts walking through the hall upstairs. I take a breath and head up taking two stairs at a time. I finally get up and see Tegan. I point to her room and she nods.

We get to Tegan's room and I shut the door behind us. Immediately as I do so Tegan throws herself at me, arms around my shoulders, face in my neck. I throw my shoes to the floor and go to hold her waist and squeeze her, whispering loving words as I feel her start crying again. I slowly get us beside her single bed but when my arms leave her body she tightens her grip around me.

"Please, don't leave me," she whimpers.

 _Oh, Tegan._ My heart breaks for the hundredth time today. "Baby, I'm not gonna leave you. I just want to get us to your bed. I promise I'm not going anywhere, okay? We just lay down and I will be beside you sooner than you even manage to blink," I whisper, stroking her back.

She nods and slowly lets go. I smile at her weakly. She just continues to stare at me with tears running down her cheeks. I reach out and carefully wipe away the tears with my thumbs and kiss her forehead. Then I slowly get her to bed and I lay down next to her, putting a blanket on us. Tegan snuggles to my side and I snake my hand to her hair.

"It's gonna be fine. You don't have to tell me now if you don't want to, I'll wait, okay? Whenever you feel comfortable I'm here for you ready to listen to anything you want to say. I l-" _shit, I almost said it. Again_. "I'll be right here. And if I hear someone coming up here I'll be right down here under your bed, okay?"

"'kay. Thank you," Tegan says in a small voice but thankfully without any sign of crying.

"You're welcome, darling," I say and kiss her forehead with what our conversation ends.

We just lay there, saying nothing, doing nothing. I would say Tegan fell asleep if it weren't for the deep breaths she took time to time and nuzzled into me a slightest bit more or squeezed my hand a little. At least she's not crying anymore. It's fucked up that she had to come out like this. Coming out should be your own decision, doing it when you are ready. I don't even know what happened and I'm dying to know but I would be a fool to want to push it out from her. It needs time, she needs time. And I am here to give it to her.

"They don't want us to be together," Tegan says after long, long minutes in a quiet voice, almost a whisper that was meant only for my ears. It was loud enough for this silent room though. It was like a scream into the darkness. Hopeless. Scared. Knowing something bad is about to come, a catastrophe. Her voice so broken, so done. Yelling at this unfair world to be once, just once, fair. Pleading. Begging. Knowing there is no chance to change it and being tired of it. Disgusted even. Disgusted of feeling like nothing belongs to her, like she has to share everything with the world. Disgusted of being told she can't have anything for herself, as if it was unacceptable and must be torn away from her. As if she didn't have a right to decide. Tired of being treated like a child and expected to act as an adult and being even more tired of protesting. That whisper was like the last breath, last beat of heart. Giving up.

She can't give up. I can't lose her, I only just got to call her mine. I've given up too many times. I know the tone all too well, I know that feeling. Feeling like she is the only one feeling like this. Feeling like she is on her own. Feeling like she's not strong enough to get through whatever is waiting behind the closed door. And feeling like nothing is left inside of her after crying for so long. Just numb pain creating a hole in her heart. And head. She can't stop thinking though she can't bring herself to think. Stuck. Stuck in misery. And what is the worst about misery is that it is so addicting. And you don't want to feel okay again. You want to show the world what it has done to you. And against your better judgment letting the world win. You have lost the battle and you don't want to win the war. And you start thinking what is wrong with you and if it's ever going to end. But after all, you don't care. You are enjoying this state in a sick way. Have you always felt like this? You don't remember. It's like everything that was before was a dream. You were on a cloud and you fell down. And you feel the crash as you lend and then... Nothing. You feel nothing. You feel as if your hands are not your hands and your legs don't want to carry you because you are in a wrong body. You are just a body. Doing everything mechanically. Catching yourself stare at your hollow eyes in the mirror wondering whose reflection that is. Wanting to break down when you find out it's yours but not having the strength to break down. Not having enough of anything that could fall apart. The pieces of you are lost somewhere. And you don't want to find them.

"I love you."

Tegan's head turns to me. She sits up. Everything so quickly. Staring at me, eyeing me. Her eyes so fast. Rolling over my face, my body. As if waking up to a stranger in her bed. As if seeing a ghost. As if someone just told her they loved her all of sudden.

"What?"

"I love you," I say looking right into her eyes. She has to know. It's early for her to know but she has to. She has to understand that I'm going to stick around, that I'm not going anywhere because I don't want to, because I can't. Because I'm in love with her. And I don't care if her patents don't want us to be together. My heart would die if we weren't. And now when she knows she has to decide if she is willing to fight for us or if she's not ready for this. For my love.

She's staring at me. Studying me.

"I-I don't know what to say, Sara. I..."

"Look," I say and sit up, "I'm not expecting you to say it back. I know you don't feel the same. That's fine, it's too early for that. I just felt that you needed to know now that you are thinking about giving up on-"

"I'm not thinking about giving up on us! I just don't know what to do and how to do it and I just feel..."

"Betrayed."

"Yes. But I don't want to give up. I want to be with you. Especially... Especially now," Tegan whispers looking softly into my eyes.

"You're not freaked out?"

Tegan chuckles and shakes her head. "More like relieved. And, um, I want you to know that I.. I care so much about you and I am already falling I can feel it. It might happen any second, really."

I smile. "There is no need to rush it, okay? Feelings come when they are supposed to come. Mine came two years ago."

"What? Two years? That long?"

"Yup. Two years full of tears and depressions and feeling like shit and trying not to follow you around or think about you," I laugh.

"God, Sara, that's horrible! I'm so sorry!"

I shake my head and take her hand into mine gently. "I wouldn't change a thing about it. The way we got together, the way I feel when I'm holding your hand now... It is worth ten times the pain I was feeling."

"I'm still sorry I haven't realized how I felt sooner..."

"It's fine. Don't think about it, okay? It was meant to be like this."

"You believe in destiny?"

"No. I just don't believe in coincidences. And I think everything happens for some reason and one thing triggers another. Action and reaction," I shrug. "And I think that when you look back at some time in your life things start making sense and suddenly it feels like puzzle pieces fitting together, sinking into each other."

"How?" Tegan's looking at me with expression of disbelief.

"How what?"

"How are you so smart?"

I laugh. "I'm not smart."

"Yeah, you are. I used to think I was the smart one in this relationship but, damn, have I been wrong. You are so intelligent for your age."

I sigh. "And who defines how intelligent you have to be for a certain age? I don't like the limits. And I definitely don't think I am intelligent for my age. Maybe there are just lot of people who aren't, you know? Intelligent enough for their age. But, nah. People are how they are and there is nothing wrong with it. Unless they are assholes. Then they should do something about it."

"I-," Tegan sighs and shakes her head slightly with a silly smile. "Aah." And after that she leans in, catching my lips in a kiss.

I smile into her mouth. It's been only few hours and I've already misses this. The kiss is sweet, unrushed. If I knew Tegan didn't love me I would totally think she did from kissing me like this. She smiles too and it becomes impossible to kiss so we pull away and she rests her forehead against mine, her eyes still closed.

Just as she's about to say something we hear footsteps getting closer and closer to Tegan's door. I panic and kinda fall on the floor and roll under Tegan's bed.

I start coughing from the dust. Fuck my allergies!

"Shhhh!" Tegan pound on the bed.

 _Yeah right. Shhh. It's easy for you you're not laying in dust, ugh! You really should clean this room from time to time..._

The footsteps walk around Tegan's door and continue down the hall not stopping to get in here. Tegan's head appears, her hair almost stopping on the floor.

"It's clear," she says and I roll out from under her bed. I'm all dusty and dirty so I dust myself and look at her.

"We need to find me a better spot or you have to start cleaning your living space, seriously."

Tegan giggles and takes my hand. "Come here," she pulls on my hand and I obey. What kind of person would I be to deny her lips?


	28. Chapter 28

**Chapter 28**

 **Tegan's POV**

I'm stepping from foot to foot with a phone in my hand waiting for the door to open. It's still dark outside, not even the snow lighting up the cold early morning.

The door suddenly opens and Lindsey's sleepy face and messy hair appear in front of me. I look her up and down - she's in her pink pjs rubbing her eyes.

"What the hell, Tegan? Do you know what time it is?"

"Yes. Now step aside I have to pee," I say, pushing her away and practically run inside.

"I'll be in my room. Sleeping. Just how you're supposed to at half past five on Monday morning," I hear Lindsey's call from outside of the bathroom. I finish my business and go to kitchen where I pour some milk and cereals into two bowls. I take two spoons and go up the stairs to Lindsey's room where I see her laying on her stomach in her bed, sleeping.

I put the bowls on her nightstand quietly and then jump on top of her with a scream.

"Aaah, what's happening?!" Lindsey jumps and I fall on the floor laughing hysterically. "Tegan? Jesus Christ, you bitch! Do you know how much you scared me?"

I say nothing - not that I can through the laugh that's starting to hurt my belly.

"Oh, you think that's funny?" Lindsey asks and I nod. "Well, how funny is this?!" She takes her pillow and starts punching me with it which makes me only laugh harder. When she sees it doesn't help she climbs on my back and starts ticking me. "You like to laugh? Laugh now!"

"Lindsey! Lindsey! No! St- Linds! That actually hurt!"

She falls off of me and stops her own laughing fit. I rub the spot on my shoulder she has just bitten me and frown at her.

"You had it coming," she says, wiping the tears from her eyes, "now, I want food!"

I point to her nightstand.

"I love you!" She squeals and climbs back to her bed. She covers her legs with a blanket and takes one of the bowls.

"Ugh, move your big butt and make some space for me," I say pushing her further.

"Ooh, you're dreaming of this ass, Teegs, you don't have to pretend you don't love it," she sticks her butt at me.

"Ew, gross," I slap her hard and she finally moves.

"Ow! I hate you!"

"I hate you more," I say winking at her and throw the blanket on me, then take my bowl and we start eating.

"Soo?" Lindsey asks.

"Soo?" I ask back.

"It's not even six. You always sleep till the last minute you never get up earlier than you really need to. So?"

"I wanted to tell you something."

"So?"

"Well, it's a long complicated story and-"

"Jesus, Tegan, say it!"

"Sara said she loved me yesterday."

"Whaaaaaaaaaaat? Oh my god! Finally!"

"I know!"

"That's awesome!"

"I know! Wait what do you mean finally?"

"Never mind… How did it happen?"

"Lindsey, I ain't gonna tell you nothing till you spill it out."

"What a double negative, Tegan! Didn't know you know how to use it."

"Lindsey!"

"Jesus, okay! I knew. I mean it was so obvious I have no idea how you didn't notice it… I once asked her about it and she said she did. And now tell me everything."

"Well..." I start telling her the whole story.

"I love your parents but they're assholes," Lindsey states

"Hmm... I think they just overreacted. They will be fine in a few days. Or so we hope."

"We?" She mocks me.

"Shut up," I smile and punch her lightly.

"But seriously now, Tegan. Do you love her back? Are you, ya know, gay?"

I sigh. "I'm still not sure. About either one. I mean, I know I like her, right? Like, a lot. Like, my heart starts and stops beating multiple times when I'm with her and I feel this burning in my chest and I have butterflies, like, always. And everywhere. And the way she kisses me-"

"Okay, I don't need to know that much details," Lindsey chuckles.

I smile. "Sorry. But my point is that I've never really felt this to anyone and she's a girl. If that means I'm gay then I probably am. But I don't know. The only thing I am sure of is that I want to be with her. So, yeah. I don't know..."

"You know I'll be here no matter what, right? We've known each other since kindergarten you're my best friend and I love you. You made me breakfast," I laugh at this, "I accept you and support you. Always. Plus, I like Sara, she's a cutie."

"Hah. Yeah. She is. And thank you. Though the 'I love you' part was kinda gross and I want to puke now," I grin.

"Go to hell and bring me more cereals from there," she says, kicking me out of bed.

"So, what are you gonna do now that're out to your parents?" Lindsey asks as she closes her locker.

"What do you mean what I'm going to do?" We start walking to class.

"Well, your relationship with Sara. Will it be public now?"

"What, no, why would…" I suddenly see Sara closing her own locker, carrying her books. She smiles and waves at me when she notices me. "Yeah. Why not, right?" I smirk and start walking to her. It's what I want after all. To be able to hold her hand in public or kiss her cheek when she says something sweet. Coming out to my parents wasn't my choice but I'm going to make sure this is. I want people, all people, to know she's mine.

"Hey, what's up?" Sara smiles when I come near her. I grab her by the back of her neck and pull her into me, smashing our lips together. She seems pretty surprised but unable to deny my lips on hers. Whole new sparks shoot through my body now that we're kissing in public. I can feel everyone's eyes on us. I mean, how does this probably look? The straight girl and the mysterious lesbian are making out in the high school hall. They must be taken back as much as Sara.

She pulls away after few seconds and looks at me questioningly with a slight panic in her eyes.

"Wh-what just happened?" She asks me.

"Missed your lips, is all," I shrug with a small smirk.

"Tegan?"

"Yeah?" I chuckle.

"What does this mean?"

"That I want to show the world how lucky I am," I take her hand in mine and caress her skin softly, "I want to be able to hold your hand anytime I want. And kiss you without fearing who might see it. I want to be with you, really be with you. If, um, you want that too, of course."

Sara smiles wildly and nods. "Hell yes I want that, Tee. God, you have no idea how happy you just made me," she squeals and hugs me tightly with her one arm holding her books in the other. I smile at her and we walk to class hand in hand with Lindsey aww-ing behind us.


	29. Chapter 29

**Chapter 29**

 **Sara's POV**

"Red or yellow?" Tegan asks as she holds the two m&ms between her fingers, playing the "which is the strongest m&m" game.

"Mmmmm, yellow," I say and hit play on the next episode of Adventure time, then lay next to her again.

She crushes the two m&ms together and the red one gets smashed.

"Yess!"

"You win, you get two kiss," Tegan says in a cute accent and kisses me twice. "You can eat the loser."

I open my mouth and she puts the red one in. Then she fishes for the next one in the brown pack and pulls out a blue one.

"Yellow or blue?"

"Yellow!" I say betting on the winner.

Once again she crushes them together and the yellow one wins.

"You win, you get five kiss," I laugh at her voice and she gives me the five kisses she promised me. "You can eat the loser."

I happily accept the blue m&m.

"Noooow, yellow or green?"

"Yellow, of course!"

Tegan repeats the process and this time the green one wins over my champion.

"Awww," I frown.

Tegan turns to me. "You lose, you get ten kiss."

And I laugh harder than I should. It doesn't seem to bother her, though. She keeps giving me the small pecks on my lips and she's just so adorable.

"I can eat the loser," she throws the yellow one in her mouth and wants to continue but I put my right hand on her cheek and turn her to face me. I kiss her. I kiss her because I can't not to. She's just so sweet and cute and beautiful and I love her and keep kissing her and she keeps kissing me like she loves me too and I can taste the chocolate on her tongue and feel her hand in my hair and-

"Heyy, who's home?"

We quickly pull away at the sound of my mum's voice.

"God, I think I just had a heart attack," Tegan breathes out as she starts getting out of my bed.

"Yea, tell me about it."

We come to the kitchen and greet my mum.

"So, is anyone hungry?" She smiles at us as we help her unpacking the bags with the food she just bought.

I look at Tegan and wait for her to answer.

"Oh, no, I'm not. I should actually get going but thank you."

I frown. "You're going?"

"Yeah."

I frown more.

"Aww, c'mon Sar. I'll see you tomorrow morning."

"Why do you have to goo, don't goo!" I whine and hug her arm to my face. She starts laughing and my mum shakes her head.

"How can you stand her?"

"Nah, she's not ALWAYS like this. Just most of the time."

"Hey!" I shoot her a look and she kisses the top of my head.

"Someone's being a grumpy baby, huh?"

"Yeeeeeah."

"Who's the grumpy baby?"

"I am!"

"That's right. You are. And grumpy babies must go to bed so they won't be grumpy tomorrow when they will see their amazing girlfriend."

"Mmm. Okay," I say and let go of her arm. "Just text me when you get home okay?"

"Sure," she smiles at me and says bye to mum.

I walk her to our front door and watch her putting her shoes and coat on. She's so beautiful.

"Hey, whatcha lookin at?" Tegan asks as she finishes tying her boots.

I smile and walk to her just to kiss her softly on her lips. "How beautiful you are."

She looks down and I'm certain I see some blush appearing on her cheeks.

"Awww, you are blushing!"

"I am not!"

"You definitely are," I smile, "and I love it."

I peck her one more time. "I love you."

She smiles the most stunning, widest smile I've ever seen. That's the 'I love you smile'. It appears on her face every time I tell her I love her.

She kisses my cheek and wishes me goodnight. Then she walks out of our house. I close the door when I can't see her anymore.

As I turn around I see mum waiting in the hall, watching me and smiling softly.

"What?" I ask.

"You look so cute together."

I smile shyly. "Do we?"

"Aww, Sara. Yes you do. I'm so glad you've found each other."

"So am I. I… I've been writing a lot more since we started dating."

"I know, love. Also your grades have improved."

"Well… yeah. She's making me study with her."

"Don't say you don't like it," mum smirks.

"Shut up," I smile.

"Do you want to play me something?"

"Um… well… I've been working on this one song. I started writing it after my birthday party. I told you how Christina showed up and stuff…"

My mum nods.

"Well, it… it kinda made me realize a few things and… I guess I could play you the song, if you want."

"Of course I want, Sara. You know I love to listen to you playing," she tells me and goes to hug me like only mothers hug. She smells like home. Not like the kind of home I feel in Tegan's smell. It's that reassuring smell, the warm, long known smell. With Tegan it's… I don't know. Like nothing else matters in the world. And with mum it's… It's like I'm a kid again and there's a monster under my bed and she haunts it away and tucks me in bed and she holds my hand and tells me stories until I fall asleep. I can close my eyes and feel safe. I feel safe with Tegan too. But it's different kind of safe. I feel like I still have to protect her, I have to take care of her because she's my home and that means taking care of both of us. And with mum I feel like I am protected and I don't have to care about anything.

I lead her to my room and grab my guitar. I strum the strings to see if it's tuned.

I take a deep breath and start singing.

 _"_ _It must be something in the way you walk_

 _It must be something in the way you talk_

 _I'm not sure just yet_

 _It must be something in the way you dream_

 _You just go home and the thirteen days_

 _Inbetween you and I_

 _This is me before I fall apart_

 _This is me before I come undone_

 _I've been tired for days and days_

 _I've been tired for days and days_

 _What should matter that a fortune don't_

 _All the beauty and I say stop_

 _Why won't you be mine?_

 _It must be something in the way you taste_

 _It's a magic source and I say stop_

 _Why won't you be mine?_

 _This is me before I fall apart_

 _This is me before I come undone_

 _I've been tired for days and days_

 _I've been tired for days and days_

 _It could have been a month or_

 _It could have been a year but I_

 _I gave up long before_

 _Long before you cared_

 _Her art inspired me to_

 _To do my best and_

 _To paint my music like_

 _Like I saw it best and_

 _She says I grew up well_

 _Well, well I grew up strong_

 _'Cause no one's got my back_

 _No one's gonna write me my songs_

 _It could have been a month or_

 _It could have been a year but I_

 _I gave up long before_

 _'Cause I've been tired for days and days_

 _I've been tired for days and days and days_

 _I've been tired for days and days and days_

 _I've been tired for days and days and days_

 _It could have been a month or_

 _It could have been a year but I_

 _I gave up long before_

 _Long before you cared_

 _Her art inspired me to_

 _To do my best and_

 _To paint my music like_

 _Like I saw it best and_

 _She says I grew up well_

 _Well, well I grew up strong_

 _'Cause no one's got my back_

 _No one's gonna write me my songs_

 _It could have been a month or_

 _It could have been a year but I_

 _I gave up long before_

 _'Cause I've been tired for days and days_

 _I've been tired for days and days and days_

 _I've been tired for days and days and days"_

I finish and open my eyes to look at her. She's sitting there on my chair looking at me with glossy eyes.

"Mum! Don't cry, please," I put my guitar down and quickly move close to her. I hug her and kiss her head. "Why are you crying? Was it that bad?"

Mum chuckles. "No, honey. It was beautiful. You are so talented, you know? I just… I want the best for you and sometimes I feel like such a bad mother because I don't realize how you feel and when there is a special occasion like this when you sing to me and tell me about your feelings, I just… I love you so much, you know? I'm always here for you if you need to talk about anything or if you just need a hug. I'm always here."

"I know, mum. Thank you," I hug her tighter. "I'm sorry I don't talk about my feelings much. It's just… hard. And talking about girls with you… I feel weird even if I know you are completely supportive. I'm just not hundred percent comfortable."

"I understand. And I'm glad you have Tegan who makes you feel better," she smiles and wipes away the tears that have fell from her eyes.

"Me too, mum."


	30. Chapter 30

**Chapter 30**

 **Tegan's POV**

"Where were you?"

"Sara's," I say casually as I walk past dad who's watching TV to the kitchen to make tea.

"What?" He asks, raising from the couch and following me to the kitchen.

"What what?" I smile at him which seemingly makes him a bit angry.

"I thought we talked about this."

"Yes, we did, dad," I nod and slowly put the tea bag to my cup.

"And? How come you were still with her?"

"Um... I said we talked about it not that we agreed on something."

The water's boiling and it seems that he is starting too.

"Tegan," he warns me.

"Father," I turn to him with cold eyes and still face. He once was telling me stories about his dad. He never let my dad do anything he wanted, he wouldn't listen to him or put him first. He didn't let him to call him "dad". It was always "father".

He stands still, not saying anything. I pour the hot water to my cup and leave to my room.

I can't wait when it will be normal again. I doubt they care that much... I doubt they have problem with people like me or with me liking girls... They just have to get used to it, I guess. But I'm a bit afraid they don't like Sara. They don't even know her they can picture her like they want, make her as bad as they want her to be so they can try to convince me she is not good just like they're trying to convince themselves. Well, I will convince them otherwise.

I don't know anyone better than Sara. And whether they like it or not I will make them see it too.

I mean, who wouldn't like to wake up every morning and find a good morning text from the most gorgeous girl wishing them a great day and saying she can't wait to see them? Who wouldn't like the same message in the evening when they are going to bed? Who wouldn't like the soft kisses and contagious giggles and protecting arms and loving eyes and who wouldn't like being warm even though it's freezing outside because somebody loves them? Who wouldn't like it if Sara loved them... I love it.

I can't decide what I like the most about her... what I... Love the most about her. Because, isn't it obvious? I'm falling in love with her. I'm not ready to say it out loud but I'm so sure about this. I'm falling in love with her and it's the most comforting feeling I could ever experience.

She makes me feel so... Important. She makes me feel like I'm good enough, like I'm so much more. She makes me believe there's nothing wrong with making mistakes, that there isn't a single thing in this world that's flawless and that's beautiful. She makes me feel beautiful. She makes me... She makes me know that I am beautiful. And that's probably the thing I love the most about her. That I love myself.

I always thought I had, you know? Loved myself. But I doubt I had. I didn't hate myself. But I never looked into a mirror or did something and actually felt good about myself. I was always looking for the flaws in me and perfection in everybody else. I was always trying to find the argument that I wasn't good enough, that I didn't do all the work, that someone else helped me or was better.

Now Sara showed me that nobody's perfect and that there's nothing wrong with rewarding yourself or complimenting yourself.

When you have a gorgeous girl compliment you every day you actually start to see it too.

Not even them. Not even my parents made me believe I was worth everything I wanted and I could do anything. And I think that's something they should be angry about and not the fact that somebody finally did. They should be mad about the fact that Sara had to show me.

I always felt loved, I always felt like I had home and caring parents. And they raised me really well. They never really punished me for anything. But they never told me I was good enough or that I could actually become a writer or that it was worth the try because I love it and I am good in it. They never told me I could be anything I wanted.

They should have.

"No, you dummy, I already told you I don't know what your essay should be about. And didn't you promise me like three days ago you were gonna write it?"

"But Teeeeegs. Can't you write it?" Sara's whiny voice says from the phone.

"No, Sara, I can't," I laugh.

"Mmmm, what is your subject?"

"Jesus, Sara, I told you we had different themes. Why aren't you sleeping anyway? You were pretty grumpy sleepy kitten when I was with you."

"Because the grumpy sleepy kitten remembered she had to write the stupid essay."

"Sara! The essay is not stupid, it is supposed to-"

The knock on my door interrupts me.

"Come in," I call and see my dad's head appear in my room.

"Sar, I'll call you later, okay? And try to write at least something."

"Mmmm, okayy. Bye, darling."

I smile. "Bye."

Dad steps fully to my room and stands awkwardly by the door. It's hilarious.

"You can sit you know," I say and he goes to sit on the chair next to my table.

"Look, Tegan, I... I'm sorry, okay? I respect you and accept you and love you as you are and I'll do my best and I'm really sorry if it will be weird but I don't want it to be weird I'm your dad. You should be able to tell me anything and be sure I'm gonna be fine with it so... Um... Does she make you happy?"

"Yeah, dad, she does," I smile. "She really does."

"Okay, then. I'm glad. Now, don't be up late, you have school tomorrow. Goodnight," he says with a small smile and leaves with turning the light off.

I grin. I had nothing to be afraid about. Mum will be a little harder to break but I'm sure it'll go well too now that I have dad on my side.

I lay down, already in my pjs and take my phone.

\- Goodnight my star :) hope you're dreaming about me right now

 **Sara's POV**

2:35.

My usual waking hour during the night.

Of course I fell asleep when I was trying to figure that essay out.

I reach for my phone out of habit and unlock the screen.

"Awwwwwwwwww!"

\- Always :)


	31. Chapter 31

Chapter 31

Tegan's POV

"Tee, are you sure this is a good idea?" Sara asks nervously for like the thousandth time since I told her what I wanted to do.

I fish for the keys in my pocket and look at her. "Yes, don't worry. It will be okay, I promise. I know I'm probably asking for too much but I really need to do it."

Sara sighs. "No, honey, its not too much. I'm just nervous. I'm meeting your parents after all."

"It's not like you've never met them before."

"I know but this is different. I wasn't your girlfriend back then."

"But you are now and I really want my parents to officially meet you," I squeeze Sara's hand, "if you really don't feel like doing this we don't have to, you know..."

"It's not that I don't want to. I'm just scared."

I smile at her. She's so adorable, unsure like this. You don't see that everyday. "I promise I hid all dad's guns so you have nothing to be scared about."

"Ha, ha, Tegan. Very funny. Way to make me feel confident."

I chuckle. "Come on."

I slide the key into the lock and open the door. Sara takes a deep breath and steps in. I smile at her and show her where the slippers are.

"Heeey, somebody home?" I shout as I take off my coat and put on slippers.

"Hey, honey! In the living room!" My dad shouts back. I take a deep breath too and feel my pulse getting higher. I take Sara's hand into my own and feel her squeeze it. I look at her and she smiles. I smile back.

"Hi guys," I say as I step to the living room. My parents are sitting on the couch and mum is holding Jessie.

They look up and their eyes dart to Sara.

"Good evening," she says politely.

"Hello, girls," dad says and smiles at us.

Mum notices our hands and tries to smile too. "Hi, Sara."

Sara smiles but I, once again, feel her tighten the hold of my hands. She's still pretty nervous.

"So... I know you've already met each other but I thought I could introduce Sara to you more... Officially?"

"Of course," dad stands up and comes closer to us. Mum stands up too, Jessie still in her arms.

"Hello, Sara," he says and shakes her hand. "How are you doing? Would you like some tea? It's pretty cold out there."

"Sara's more of a coffee person," I say and she looks at me with shining eyes. That's what she told me all those weeks before. "And, mum, this is Sara."

"Hi."

"Hello."

I glare at mum and she smiles and goes to shake Sara's hand. We didn't really talk about this with mum. I don't think she's mad or disappointed or doesn't love me anymore or anything like that. She just has some trouble with... Understanding?

"And this is Jessie but you've already officially met her."

"Yea," Sara smiles and looks at my sister. "Hey, Jessie, awesome to see you again."

"So, what are you girls up to?" Dad asks as he sits down again.

"We're gonna study for the test we have on Monday."

"Okay then. If you need anything Tegan knows where it is. Study hard," dad smirks at us.

"Thank you, we will," Sara says with a lot less nervousness in her voice.

"So test, huh?" Sara smirks at me.

"Well... Yeah," I say sitting down on the bed.

She comes closer to me, "you mean the one you've been making me study for this whole week?"

"Um... Yes, uh, that one."

"And you are aware," she's whispering while lowering down to straddle my tights which... oh my god, "that we already know everything?"

"Mmm... Ye-yeah..."

"Mhmm," Sara hums in my ear, "so we have time for... Other things, don't we?" She breaths on my neck and I whimper.

"W-we do..."

I feel Sara smile against my neck and then kiss it. Jesus Christ holy mother of God what is this her mouth is so hot and, dear heavens, that's her tongue. Circling on my sensitive skin there.

"Mmm!"

Sara's mouth immediately leaves my neck. "Shh. Tee, you gotta be quiet. There is no pleasure in studying."

"Depends what subject you are studying for," I breathe out.

"Oh? And what subject brings you such pleasure?" She asks going back to my neck.

"Mmm, uh..."

"What, Tee? In loss of words? Do you want me to help you untie your tongue?"

Hell, when did she get so flirty?

The second she sees my reaction her lips are on mine. And I don't really know what it is about the situation but it makes me incredibly turned on. The thought of my parents right under us and the danger of getting caught is so exciting. I slowly start leaning back and Sara gets the hint, detaches her hot, hot mouth from mine and let's me lay down on bed comfortably. The very moment she sees I'm laying she positions herself on top of me and starts kissing me again.

We are making out. Oh my God, I am making out with my girlfriend in my room, with my parents in the house. In my bed. In the bed we were sleeping in and discussing Edith Piaf the night she came. She fell asleep on my shoulder. And now she's kissing me, making me so wet and horny and, oh God, I guess I just lifted my hips to grind against hers. She moans in my mouth and I smile.

"Shh, Sara, studying isn't so exciting," I say against her lips.

"Mmm, shut up," she mumbles, kissing me again. Her hands are on the each side of my head and one goes to tangle in my hair. How I love it when she does that. My hands are on her back, digging my fingers to her T-shirt, scratching when she moves a little bit and I feel it everywhere. I don't know if I've ever felt this turned on. God, I want her. I really do. I know its probably too soon and she already told me she wasn't going to just sleep with me, she wanted to make our first time perfect and that's so wonderful but I really want her to touch me right now and its so embarrassing but I don't even care. But I know she wouldn't do it and that is making me even more frustrated.

When she feels I'm starting to move my hips more often and faster she whimpers but starts slowing the kiss, until she's just sweetly pushing her lips against mine. She rolls off my body and lays on her side beside me. I'm out of breath and so is she.

"Hi," she says quietly, smiling at me.

"Hey..." I smile back at her.

We take a moment to calm down and she takes my hand interlocking our fingers.

"What would you like for Christmas?" She asks me suddenly and I laugh.

"What?"

"What would you like for Christmas?" She asks again smiling softly looking into my eyes.

I scoot closer to her and put my mouth close to her ear.

"All I want for Christmas is you."


End file.
